Good morning Mal ~ have you been treated by a professional re: your chronic depression? From what I read, it sounds as if your family / friends don't understand your illness. Would it make more sense to them if they were reading this in your "good bye letter" ? Perhaps. At that point they would be grief stricken and feel the need to educate themselves on how this could have happened. Unless someone is walking in your shoes or has suffered from depression, it is hard to understand. Just like anything. The unknown scares people.

I'm your age. As a teenager I attempted suicide. As an adult, some 25 yrs later, I walked hand in hand with a friend (also our age) as he contemplated ending his life. In the end he succeeded. Devastating is the one word that describes the entire experience.

I find your ending sentence quite intriguing. I tend to agree with you. When someone is so tired of the constant battle of daily living it's then the thought of the alternative begins to be attractive.

Would your family "get over it"? Suicide is something that people don't get over. It has a ripple effect beyond what you could possibly imagine. Like I had mentioned previously, until you've walked in a survivors shoes, it's not possible to imagine.

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I do hope that you can talk with a professional and perhaps get the assistance you need in getting this chronic depression under control.

Sending healing and supportive prayers to you.

I feel family will 'get over it'.

I need to add my opinion to the above comment you said. I am sorry, NO... we will never get over it. My son passed away 21 months ago and there is no way I can get over it. It changes my life, my thinking and a lot more (mostly for the worse).

I am not here to condemn and I can understand you must be very upset when it seems like your family do not understand what you are going through.

Please take one day, one moment at a time. I can't say it will get better... but if you are not around, how would you know?

Hello mal66, I'm sorry your suffering so much right now. I also lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago. Though it was a long hard road I did eventually move on from the grief. Though like him, I suffered from depression also and truly understood why he did what he did! My mom is a different story though... She has always had a deep sadness in every event good or bad since. Some of the best times in our family were ruined because he left her with such a horrible amount of guilt and pain. He robbed me of a mother!! So the answer is no... Only certain people who love you will try to move on and others will NEVER see past that horrific pain that stays with the people you will leave behind. I sure hope you will find peace!

Utahchinadoll,
Thanks for the reply. You've heard the saying: 'My future's so bright, I wear shades at nite'? Well, my future's so grey, I threw my shades away...Without going into details, trust me, it will. Yes, I'm getting therapy, and taking meds, and going to support groups, etc. However, I will have a relapse Im sure (at a minimum), when all hell breaks loose this time next year - assuming I make it to next year. It'll take a miracle to change this current path.
You asked: "... but if you are not around, how would you know?" - Well, I'm more than willing to take that risk right now!
I think it's VERY selfish for everyone to demand that I stay here and be miserable all my life just to spare THEM pain...I will tell them to take one day, one moment at a time nor will I gurantee THEM that it will get better...and see how THEY like it! Peace & happiness are myths to me and fleeting moments at best. I've always hated my time here on earth. My afterlife has got to be better than this...

I lost my sister 7 years ago and the pain the family feels never goes away. The thing about family is that they are there to support, love, and give you positive words to help you feel better. When you are depressed, it is hard to hear.

When I am in a deep depression, I don't want people near me, I don't want to be touched, and I think about how wonderful the world would be without me. Fortunately, I learned from an outpatient group when I was suicidal that DEPRESSION IS A LIAR. It will tell you things that you should not believe.

It sounds to me like your meds aren't right and you need to call your doc immediately and share how you feel. I pray you get your chemicals balanced and start feeling better soon. It wasn't until my meds were right, that the suicidal thoughts finally stopped. It may not feel good now, but there is a wonderful future out there waiting for you. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Hugs.

"They are as ignorant about my condition as I am irrational about the consequences of 'offing' myself. Just as they continually tell me that 'this to shall pass', or 'things will get better'; I will reiterate that in my 'good-bye' letter and see how they like that advice then. "

so not only are you going to commit suicide, you will leave your family a letter to increase the pain and guilt that they will already be feeling due to your death? i will speak for myself when i say, that i understand the perspective of someone who wants to kill themself. more than you know. that you think it is selfish of your loved ones wanting you to be on this planet and not do something about it, makes me very angry. you have NO idea what it is to go through such a loss. all you can see is your pain. to me that is selfish.
i hope that you are able to reconcile your feelings and figure out a way to get through it.

I totally understand what you said "I think it's VERY selfish for everyone to demand that I stay here and be miserable all my life just to spare THEM pain...I will tell them to take one day, one moment at a time nor will"

After my son's death, the pain I endure (even up to present) is horrendous. There were times I wanted to join him so bad. I said the same thing to myself, why I suffer the pain so that my parents and those who love me do not go thru that. Why can't I be selfish?

I don't know what to tell you but as for me, I thank God that He has graced me with Faith. I looked at the crucifix and said to myself, if Jesus was selfish and had that thought, then lots of us would not be saved. He is unselfish and therefore, I strike to be unselfish. Is it easy? Hack, NO. It is ding difficult.

I know if I am at my last rope, I will call someone to be with me till that urge goes away. If I need to be hospitalized, let it be. I don't want to hurt anyone. I take one min at a time. That's all I can tell you and I hope you do the same.

If you are very very down, please call someone or suicide hotlines.

I myself just don't know if the pain will end upon my life ends. What if it doesn't? Then I will be at a worse place than present.

I will pray for you and I do not want to add more stress to you and I hope you understand where I am coming from. All I can say is, you are not alone. I am one of many that are suffering with you.

Your death at your own hands, or your death for any reason (accident, assault, illness) will DESTROY YOUR MOTHER and family. STOP. Take RESPONSIBILITY for this. I don't want to yell at you because I care about you but my daughter DID take her life and I am beyond destroyed by it. How I'm going on with my life is purely by God's grace because I never thought I'd survive this. MAKE A COMMITMENT TO LIFE. No matter what you suffer from, there are others like you and others much worse than you, and those of them who sought professional help are fighting for LIFE. You can DO IT. Find a therapist, a psychiatrist, or go into the emergency room. PLEASE SPARE YOUR FAMILY. AND yourself. Life is worth living, you can do it, I have faith in you.

Look at everyone you know and love. I assume there are people in your life that you love and that love you. Family, friends, co-workers, pets (yeah they mourn also). Know without a doubt that if you succeed in your wish to kill yourself, you will also kill all of those people. At least the people they were up until the minute they hear of your death. In essence they will die also because they will NEVER, EVER be the same.

I hope on some small level this puts wanting to kill yourself into a different perspective for you.

I surely wish someone like me would have said these same words to my stepson. But.....they didn't and now I live the reality of it every day.

When you're depressed, you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There is a difference between your selfishness and theirs. There is a chance that eventually you could be happy. Who knows maybe something drastic in your life will change or you'll switch to meds that will work better, or maybe you'll find something worth living for. If you kill yourself, your family and friends will have no light, no hope, no chance of ever leading a normal life.

Of course you don't think your circumstances will ever change, because you are depressed and suicidal. Sane, healthy minds do not think that way, it's the illness talking/convincing. Depression takes over your whole body, and you think it's reality but it's not. I urge you to take some time, there is hope for you even if you cannot see it. Don't destroy everyone who has ever loved you, you will cause them unimaginable pain.

I say unimaginable because it is clear that you can't understand that kind of pain, otherwise you wouldn't wish it upon anybody, especially so carelessly (by telling them to "things will get better"). I hope you find some understanding.

I'm very frustrated not knowing the purpose or meaning of my life. I feel I'm here by punishment from sins I've created during this life-time or retribution for past life's sins. I'm tired of being left out and left alone; people always leaving me & enjoying their lives as if I no longer existed. I've "lived" (existed is a better word) here 45 yrs and this has been my theme. I'm tired, very, very, tired & hurting. Can either of my 'loved ones' live for me while I take a rest? I think not! Why? Because it's my life. Why can't I choose to just leave this life if I choose - it's MY life. I would GLADLY give this life to someone on their death bed that wants a second chance - GLADLY do it! Here, take it please and I'll take your spot, I'm ready to leave! I'm not selfish - I just want out; that's all I want...

this is not something we can help you with. this is a group for those who have been affected by those who have committed suicide. understand that your feelings are triggers for many of us, myself included. i can't understand how someone would not find life as precious as we do. knowing the pain it causes to the surviving members of your family, why would anyone want to do that to them?
do you have children? let me tell you, i was up all night last night comforting my grandchildren because they don't have a daddy anymore.
try working through these feelings in the depression group or the emotional abuse group. or in therapy, or with a close friend,

damnskippy, point taken; i will return back to the 'other side'. i've greatly digressed and lost myself while over here, totally forgetting that i may have opened healing wounds with my depressing diatribes. please accept my apologies. i will probably lurk around these boards from time to time to read other's testimonies in order to gain a better understanding of the pain i could leave behind...

Me too, at my 50, seeking the meaning of life. My life is full of struggles. I asked my shrink "of all the clients you have seen, can you say I am one who have a hard life?" And he said "yes indeed"...

So you are not alone. I am frustrated too. How I wish someone will give me a purpose, give me a crystal ball, tell me what to do, how to do it, and so I can have a better feel.

I thought this is MY life too. But if you think deeper, it is not really yours or mine. It is a life that is given to us for some reasons and yet we do not know why. We just have to tag along.

If you think you are punished from whatever sins you committed or someone committed, I am with you, I feel the same but I just know that is not from God. God does not punish, He teaches and He cares and He loves. Seek to speak to someone in your church that has a deep spiritual understanding.

Again, I am with no words .. other than I understand, I am here with you, suffering, and I am just taking one sec at a time. If you would not mind to join me, one second at a time.

Nicely put Uthachina! Sometimes that's all any one of us can do is take one second at a time.

Mal66 ~ you mention you may lurk around to attempt to obtain a better understanding of those of us left behind in the after math.
There is a thread in the discussion list "Share your story" this was started back in 2007, now some 100 posts later, sadly it grows daily.

I remember hearing somewhere along the line someone saying, "Never make a life altering decision when you are tired" it's always stuck with me. As for retribution for past life sins. I too use to joke when things went terribly array, I must have been an asshole in my previous life : ) It is my belief that we are here to learn lessons. We will continue coming back until those lessons are learned. I personally would do much better if there had been a manual handed over at time of birth : )

Wishing you peaceful moments!