I am a nurse in an ICU. two ish years ago, my family and I lost my child hood best friend to suicide. our families our neighbors and have remained close through the years. about a year after that, his brother committed suicide as well. Last night, I came into work, and we have a patient who has attempted a suicide with a gun, but has survived. I was okay in assisting with this patient during the night (its a fast paced job, emotions kinda leave you). But i was not prepared for the emotions that followed when I got home. I was washing dishes and somehow was wishing this could be one of my lost friends. and it was a startling thought, because this patient is now dealing with some medical complications that I'm sure are just so overwhelming for him in this situation. I immediately regretted this thought, I would never want that outcome for anybody. But I can't possibly feel thankful for the alternative and how things turned out either. I am so heartbroken for everyone I've mentoined here. My thoughts have been racing and my mind has really gone everywhere. This unfortunately was really a trigger for me emotionaly. It is hard, and unrelateable for so many people, I feel I can't really discuss this strange situation anywhere as my family has always been pretty closed off, and I love the mother of the two too much, I feel like I can only support her and dont want to share my troubles with this with her. I dont know what to say or think, or what I am even looking for in posting this, but thank you for reading if you did and understanding if you do <3