My mom took her life last month, and obviously it is still fresh. Today is my dads 50th birthday, and the first in 30 some years that he won't be spending with my mom. I haven't slept all night, and I know I am going to have to just give up on that task, so please forgive me if I am a bit loopy or something... Anyway, I'm 25 years old, and I still lived with my parents because of various spinal cord conditions that have left my physically disabled. My mom and I were extremely close, her and I battled cancer together side by side when I was 14. My aunt was diagnosed as bipolar a couple years ago after many attempts at suicide with no success, and I don't think my mom realized how much her and her sister had in common in that respect. The difference here is that my mom never had tried to harm herself and always condemned her sisters actions. She had always said that she would never put her family through the same pain that my aunt had caused. That's probably the most confusing part as to why my mom killed herself. I don't know if I will ever understand, but I feel like I should have seen this coming somehow and fixed this before it got this bad. But she never wanted to burden her family with her pain. I suppose I've always been this way too, but never in a million years would I have thought she'd do this. I'm sad that my mom is gone and I'll never be woken up by her voice by my side ever again, I'm mad she broke her promise to me, and I am left feeling lonely as if I no longer have my most emotionally supportive person in my life anymore. My dad and I are living together now and it is nice to have the comfort and compassion he has always provided for me, but it's not quite the same. I'm actually not sure if Ive ever opened up to anyone like I did with my mom. My life is left a shadow of its former self, and I feel like I need to be strong like I always have been in the face of adversity. I usually find humor in all aspects of life, but now I have to force every smile I make.
And if you've made it all the way to this point in my rant I guess I don't know what exactly I'm looking for, but I just needed to get it out of my head and put it in text form. Wish me luck with my dads birthday today, I'm sure this will be a bittersweet type of day