Families & Friends Affected By Suicide Support Group
Suicide affects not only the individual, but also the family and friends who provide support and love. This community is offered as a place for those affected by suicide to gather and gain strength from each other. PLEASE NOTE: If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, please take advantage of our CRISIS RESOURCES, which you can find at the bottom of every page of the...
I'm new to this group and if you don't mind I'll share my story about how I'm affected by suicide. About 15 years ago I was on vacation visiting the city/area where my family is from. My Mom was in a rehab facility after yet another stroke. My sister said she was worried about our brother because after an argument with her he wasn't answering the phone and no-one had heard from him for several days. Basically he was a long-distance trucker and Mom could no longer live with him because he was gone too much of the time. Mom had to go live with another brother in another state, but he wanted part of her social security income to keep paying for the house, the only place he had ever lived, so he could keep it. Our sister called it like it was and told him he was being selfish and unrealistic. Now I could have drove to the house he shared with our Mom when she was well enough to not be in the hospital or rehab, and I thought about it, but somehow I was afraid and the thought came to me that he really wanted to be left alone and might even fire a gun thru the door at me. He never had a history of violence, but the thought occurred to me so I didn't make the 50 mile trip to see him. Then one day we (my wife, kids and I) went to our sister's house and her husband was on the porch waiting for us, to tell us that our brother was dead, had hung himself. He had mailed a letter to our brother in another state blaming our sister for his actions. If he had died from a stroke or in an auto accident it would be sad but I think after a while I would not be so affected by it. But leaving us this way....almost every day I think about him and it's a pain and guilt that doesn't go away. I know it's not possible but I have to keep wondering if I did something wrong or if there's something I could have done that would have made a difference.
A death like this is like no other. Please know this was your brothers choice. Accusing your sister for his actions, well, that was just mean of him. I hope your sister (as well as the rest of you) are getting / or got some counseling to help you through this.
I too lost someone I cared about to suicide. So, I am not writing from not understanding. Suicide and surviving can be a tricky battle. It's very easy to ask what if... if only... however, the truth of the matter is, it comes down to the individual and their own free will. Left here to pick up the pieces and trying to understand can and will be overwhelming to say the least. Be kind to yourself and know that your brother is now in a place where he has been freed from that which troubled his mind and spirit.
God bless all of you ~
After his death, I just constantly felt like I had let this precious sand slip through my fingers. Like no matter how hard I tried to grasp it, I just let something so precious and valuable slip right through my fingers and there was nothing I could do to get it back. I felt like if he'd only taken the time to think about us or go to sleep or call someone, things could be different. For the rest of my life, it'll be "if only."
Bottom line, unless you were there the minute it happened, there is nothing you could've done. Love did all it could.
Dan
I know right now you are grieving and his loss is something that is with you day in and day out. However, as time passes it does get better, and you will remember the good memories you have of him instead of the way he died. It has been 13 years since my daughter completed suicide, and I am still here - I have accepted what has happened and spend my time enjoying the other blessings that I have in my life. In time, you will,too. ((HUGS))
I'm sorry you have to be new to this group, but you are welcome here and know that many hearts who read what you've written will empathize and relate and feel a little less alone in the struggle for how you opened up to us.
We each have a story to tell about how we lost, and the what if's we carry. They may have different words, but it's the same sad song for all of us, know that. Your family has endured, and will continue to endure a tragedy that was none of their making, and that includes your brother. To lose someone by suicide is unlike any loss a family can weather. Heed what's said here, because it's true to the last letter: tell your sister she was right to say what she did, but it's not her fault even one iota. Tell your mother that her pain may be the hardest of all, but it was nothing she did or was to him. And know, for yourself, that had you known--truly known that was going to be his final act, of course you would have gone. But you didn't know, and you couldn't have known. This was not yours to control, any more than the orbit of the sun is.
You all are good people, and your brother is a good person. I say "is" because that didn't change. Something happened that night that none of you had a hand in, or could have changed. And that is a fact.