ESTRANGED FROM FAMILY Community Group
This group was created to talk about family situations where estrangement was chosen or others have chosen to estrange you. Many families are now estranged with individual members, not excluding; Sister-in-Laws, Brother-in-Laws, Parents, siblings, Uncles, Aunts, the other family and so on. Sharing the reasons for estrangement in order to help those who are new in...
Hi all! I know that many people love this time of year, but I am always filled with dread and sadness. I have 2 brothers that I have not seen in over 20 years. There is a pattern of excluding people in my family of origin, and I am the one who is excluded in my generation. I have nieces that I know about from Facebook. My one brother has been married for almost 30 years and has 2 young adult daughters. I see some of what goes on with them from Facebook. I am not brave enough to have asked them to "friend" me, I just see their general postings. One of the nieces recently got married, and I saw the pictures from that. All of the family members were in the picture, except for me, of course. My nieces only have 3 first cousins, my 3 children. They have never met them, because my brother forbade that from occurring.
I beat myself up for years over this. I blamed myself for not being sensitive to he and his wife. My brother is very insecure about certain issues, and I would remind him of these issues. He did not like that. If I had to do things over again, I would NEVER say some of the things that I said to him. So, yes, I believe that EVERY relationship has 2 sides to the story. I wanted to make sure that I understood my role in this broken relationship. That being said, my brother never really wanted to have a relationship with me. My parents never encouraged their children to be loyal to each other. In part, this was because my mother was estranged from her own brother on and off for years. She didn't even go his funeral. Patterns!
Both of my parents are long dead now, and unfortunately, I don't even miss them. My grieving comes from the loss of having a family in the first place. When I see close families, I envy them. Of course, this envy comes because of my situation. Envy only hurts me, however.
I'll give you a little bit of a background on the current situation. My brother met his girlfriend (his now wife), over 35 years ago. They were each other's high school sweethearts. My brother was drawn to her, I think, because of her family. He was the son they didn't have, and they accepted and loved him completely. I envy my brother for this because he found what he was looking for right away in life. I, on the other hand, didn't even know what I was looking for, until very recently. After years of self examination, I understood where my envy originated. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. I wanted that, but didn't know how to articulate it, (even to myself!), for a very long time. I was in a pattern of self loathing, because it was the only coat that I knew how to put on. My brother, even though he is insecure as well, KNEW what he needed and wanted and obtained it early on in life. After my mother died, my brother realized that he didn't have to keep contact with me at all. My father encouraged ME to reach out to them, but didn't ask my brother to do the same. At the time, I was resentful and too proud to do that. Now, looking back, I wish that I had, because I know my brother wouldn't have accepted the offer, but at least I know that I had tried.
After my mother died, my father kind of fell apart, but he and I didn't have a great relationship. My brother, always more saavy than I, knew how to handle my dad. I, not as saavy as my brother, never learned this. Another mistake on my part. Maya Angelou says, "When we know better, we do better." Of course, now I would have handled this differently, because I have paid dearly for my stupidity and mistakes. My father's health declined, and my brother, who had 2 school aged children at the time and a mother in law who adored him, and, conveniently lived next door to her daughter and my brother, took my father into his home.
This proved to be a bonanza. My father had an enormous amount of money saved and a nice pension that my brother took over. My father signed all of his assets over to my brother. Needless to say, after a couple of years, my brother moved from a very, very modest little home to a very, VERY nice town home that was 4 times as expensive.
After my father first moved in with my brother, I tried to keep contact with my father, but my sister in law and brother kept him in his room, and stated that I "could come and visit him any time", but, in reality, made it very difficult and placed hurdles in my way. Again, more mistakes on my part. Instead of making a habit of insisting on visiting him every week, I just gave in to their desires, and just gave up, because I didn't have the time or energy to push my way through.
I also have another brother who was complicit with all of this. This is sometimes even more painful to me because I am the only one left out of the little circle. My youngest brother has never married (at least to the best of my knowledge, since I haven't had personal contact with him for years) or had children. He also received money from the situation, so I have attributed this estrangement to that.
I have thrown myself many a pity party over this whole situation. There are times that I have wished for my own death, to spare the embarrassment of explaining my situation. But now I have just taken to lying. Both my parents are dead (which is true), but I just say I don't have siblings, even on health records at the doctor's office, because I don't know the states of their health anyway.
This was a long background to my story, but I just wanted to share how I cope. In addition to just saying I have no siblings (which, really, they aren't), I also try to just forgive myself for my mistakes and forgive them for treating me that way. I will never forget the treatment, but by forgiving them, I give up my bitterness. Do I still feel sad, especially at the holidays, etc? You betcha. But, I am the only one hurting here. My brother is healthy (probably), prosperous, has a long marriage where his wife and kids and inlaws adore him, has the love and affection of my other brother. I have to appreciate what I have. I have 3 wonderful children, a job, a home, some money saved, and so far (knock on wood), my health. I have to look at what I have, and not what I don't have in order to get through the day. Believe it or not, the hardest part of this whole process was forgiving myself for the many mistakes that I have made. If I had to do everything over again, I would have just not said anything to anyone, kept my mouth shut. But I didn't. Did I learn from my mistakes? Absolutely! It was a painful experience, but it helps me to have empathy for others, and accept that everyone has flaws and imperfections. We all make mistakes. I will probably never see or talk to my brothers or nieces for the rest of my life. It is very sad, but, why would I want to be with people who don't care about me or love me in any way? I still may try to contact my youngest brother, but I haven't gotten the courage to do so yet. I tried about 12 years ago, and it didn't come to any fruition. We'll see.
Thanks so much for being here, it feels good to just put this out into the universe.
I beat myself up for years over this. I blamed myself for not being sensitive to he and his wife. My brother is very insecure about certain issues, and I would remind him of these issues. He did not like that. If I had to do things over again, I would NEVER say some of the things that I said to him. So, yes, I believe that EVERY relationship has 2 sides to the story. I wanted to make sure that I understood my role in this broken relationship. That being said, my brother never really wanted to have a relationship with me. My parents never encouraged their children to be loyal to each other. In part, this was because my mother was estranged from her own brother on and off for years. She didn't even go his funeral. Patterns!
Both of my parents are long dead now, and unfortunately, I don't even miss them. My grieving comes from the loss of having a family in the first place. When I see close families, I envy them. Of course, this envy comes because of my situation. Envy only hurts me, however.
I'll give you a little bit of a background on the current situation. My brother met his girlfriend (his now wife), over 35 years ago. They were each other's high school sweethearts. My brother was drawn to her, I think, because of her family. He was the son they didn't have, and they accepted and loved him completely. I envy my brother for this because he found what he was looking for right away in life. I, on the other hand, didn't even know what I was looking for, until very recently. After years of self examination, I understood where my envy originated. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. I wanted that, but didn't know how to articulate it, (even to myself!), for a very long time. I was in a pattern of self loathing, because it was the only coat that I knew how to put on. My brother, even though he is insecure as well, KNEW what he needed and wanted and obtained it early on in life. After my mother died, my brother realized that he didn't have to keep contact with me at all. My father encouraged ME to reach out to them, but didn't ask my brother to do the same. At the time, I was resentful and too proud to do that. Now, looking back, I wish that I had, because I know my brother wouldn't have accepted the offer, but at least I know that I had tried.
After my mother died, my father kind of fell apart, but he and I didn't have a great relationship. My brother, always more saavy than I, knew how to handle my dad. I, not as saavy as my brother, never learned this. Another mistake on my part. Maya Angelou says, "When we know better, we do better." Of course, now I would have handled this differently, because I have paid dearly for my stupidity and mistakes. My father's health declined, and my brother, who had 2 school aged children at the time and a mother in law who adored him, and, conveniently lived next door to her daughter and my brother, took my father into his home.
This proved to be a bonanza. My father had an enormous amount of money saved and a nice pension that my brother took over. My father signed all of his assets over to my brother. Needless to say, after a couple of years, my brother moved from a very, very modest little home to a very, VERY nice town home that was 4 times as expensive.
After my father first moved in with my brother, I tried to keep contact with my father, but my sister in law and brother kept him in his room, and stated that I "could come and visit him any time", but, in reality, made it very difficult and placed hurdles in my way. Again, more mistakes on my part. Instead of making a habit of insisting on visiting him every week, I just gave in to their desires, and just gave up, because I didn't have the time or energy to push my way through.
I also have another brother who was complicit with all of this. This is sometimes even more painful to me because I am the only one left out of the little circle. My youngest brother has never married (at least to the best of my knowledge, since I haven't had personal contact with him for years) or had children. He also received money from the situation, so I have attributed this estrangement to that.
I have thrown myself many a pity party over this whole situation. There are times that I have wished for my own death, to spare the embarrassment of explaining my situation. But now I have just taken to lying. Both my parents are dead (which is true), but I just say I don't have siblings, even on health records at the doctor's office, because I don't know the states of their health anyway.
This was a long background to my story, but I just wanted to share how I cope. In addition to just saying I have no siblings (which, really, they aren't), I also try to just forgive myself for my mistakes and forgive them for treating me that way. I will never forget the treatment, but by forgiving them, I give up my bitterness. Do I still feel sad, especially at the holidays, etc? You betcha. But, I am the only one hurting here. My brother is healthy (probably), prosperous, has a long marriage where his wife and kids and inlaws adore him, has the love and affection of my other brother. I have to appreciate what I have. I have 3 wonderful children, a job, a home, some money saved, and so far (knock on wood), my health. I have to look at what I have, and not what I don't have in order to get through the day. Believe it or not, the hardest part of this whole process was forgiving myself for the many mistakes that I have made. If I had to do everything over again, I would have just not said anything to anyone, kept my mouth shut. But I didn't. Did I learn from my mistakes? Absolutely! It was a painful experience, but it helps me to have empathy for others, and accept that everyone has flaws and imperfections. We all make mistakes. I will probably never see or talk to my brothers or nieces for the rest of my life. It is very sad, but, why would I want to be with people who don't care about me or love me in any way? I still may try to contact my youngest brother, but I haven't gotten the courage to do so yet. I tried about 12 years ago, and it didn't come to any fruition. We'll see.
Thanks so much for being here, it feels good to just put this out into the universe.
wep
I'm sorry that I do not know what to say to any of this except that I can relate to some of what you mentioned for example the face book. I had a face book account and wished that I could let family members on it like my nieces and nephews but I'm not brave because of the fact that there is so much going on in my family, and I don't want to add them on because of the family issues that rise. I don't want anyone in my family accusing me of saying anything I should not had said (like what had already happened to me before). I did learn from my mistakes. When I saw pictures of other family members, it hurt because I wished I had a close family where we stayed in touch each other, we are now older and we should be talking and laughing with each other not putting each other down like this to the point that we want to estrange from each other. I've tried to talk with others and tell them about stupid or funny things I'm doing, but I don't get a response from anyone so that lets me know that they don't want to be bothered or the fact that I'm immature. I'm just trying to stay positive because they are always complain that they don't want to hear drama (the words my sister uses). My oldest brother had brought up issues from my mom's abusive childhood. Now she is again depressed and focusing on certain issues from that time period. This butthole has the nerve to say that there is no such thing as post traumatic stress or amnesia. He feels that most people use that for a cop out. I wonder sometimes about him, what the hell is his problem? why is he always hurting someone (especially in the family).
Join the Conversation