So eloquently written. And, so similiar to my own thoughts. I keep telling myself, and my husband, to enjoy the moments we have.The stress is tough to manage, though. Your brother is lucky to have someone who cares so much about him. In loving someone, we suffer with them.

I've been wanting to ask you. Is your brother in the San Francisco Bay area? We're about 45 min from San Francisco.
Linda

I have a very hard time doing this as well. It is a lesson we all have to learn, to appreciate every day. The time to start doing that is now. Move forward, you cannot change the past, but you sure can change tomorrow.

Best wishes to you.

Your thoughts and feelings are eloquently written - thank you for sharing them with all of us. One of the most surprising discoveries for me was that, like you, I'd always thought the worst thing in the world would to be told I had cancer. Quite the contrary - when I got the diagnosis, I was anxious only about how to set up all the doctor appointments for treatment, but never for a moment did I react with dread or fear. It was the oddest thing to not experience overwhelming fear at all. Ever. I'm saying this awkwardly - I'm trying to say that getting the diagnosis doesn't necessarily affect the patient the way it affects those around him/her. Actually being diagnosed barely fazed me - I recall being perplexed at how something so dreaded could be in my body yet it just didn't overwhelm me at all. This could be just me, too. As I've written before, I became so intensely curious about EC, researching, writing, asking a million questions, etc, that there was scant time to contemplate the stats. Besides, those weren't ever "real" to me then or even now. Bottom line: I suspect that cancer may be ever so much scarier to everyone around the one with cancer than it is to him or her.

Hi CalSue--in fact my brother is bi-costal...teaches on the East Coast but actually considers himself a West Coast resident (you can imagine how many Frequent Flyer miles he's racked up!). His home base these days is in Southern California, where he's being treated at UCLA, but he does spend quite a lot of time in San Francisco and the East Bay--lots of family and friends there, and his son is living and working in SF.

The whole dilemma of better off/worse off reminds me of what I've read about post-partum depression. Apparently it's as bad or worse in women who've undergone fertility treatments, and guilt is often at the heart of it. Women who've undergone multiple treatments and spent tens of thousands of dollars to conceive are shocked to find themselves as put out as any new mom by a colicky screaming baby and the mountains of dirty diapers. They feel ashamed of these very human emotions, worry even more than most about appearing "ungrateful", and ultimately are less likely to release that stress by talking it over with others.

Seems that in some ways we're all in that same boat here. No matter how favorable our diagnosis or that of our loved one's appears, there's no escaping the fact that the treatment for EC can be hell on earth. The survival rate is scary to contemplate, the side effects of chemo are miserable, treatment entails endless endless trips to the doctor's office and other medical center--then comes the surgery, the often difficult recovery period, and the dietary and other major life adjustments. Patients and their families are put through the mill--and yet we feel bad about complaining even to ourselves as we know absolutely that there are people who are much much worse off.

Thanks for your perspective. It is always helpful to look on the bright side and to talk about the grief. I have been putting on the positive face but i think it helps both of us to talk about or fear with this disease.

This is a great post! You express thoughts that I and many others have had. One thing that I have thought about since my sister's diagnosis is how often we count years that we have survived after being diagnosed with cancer. Last month, I decided to start counting the years that I have survived starting right now! It makes sense to me that I will probably get esophageal cancer like my sister, since I've always been the one to suffer from acid reflux on a daily basis. So I'm starting my count now....before treatment.....before surgery! Last week, my husband and I took a quick trip to Niagara Falls and then drove up into Canada. I was thankful that I am still able to do that, and hope to continue to cherish each day that I have "before" my diagnosis. Maybe this seems a little silly to some, but it puts my life into perspective and perhaps it will be easier for my husband if/when I do get cancer.

Linda, if you are worried about EC you should definitely get a scope. It can catch things before they get bad. Fortunately, my husband's cancer was found with a routine scope. At the time, he had no symptoms; things would have been a lot farther along if the symptoms were what drove him to get a scope.

Thanks for the suggestion, prayinglots. I get routine scopes and also colonoscopies every 3 years. In addition, I have been on 40 mg of prilosec per day for several years. Stress brings on most of my gastro issues, and is pretty hard to avoid right now, so I often have symptoms of colon cancer, etc. It's pretty hard for my doctor, as I can't be having tests every few months, so usually we have a wait-see approach.