Hello.  My name is Amanda and I'm 32 years old.  I was diagnosed with severe (stage 4) endometriosis at age 13 after battling terrible heavy periods and chronic pain for 5 years at that point.  I have had 9 laps, and 1 ectopic miscarriage.  (VERY) Long story short, I have a 4-year-old son who was conceived naturally years after my ectopic.  Once my son was born I began a new therapy (since oral hormones and injections did not help me at all), this was a hormone infused IUD... and it changed my life.  I am the healthiest I have ever been.  

Recently my husband and I decided that we would try to have another child. This is much more difficult decision for me than he, as he seems to forget how debilitating my endo is... I can forgive him that since we only knew each other for about 2 years when we conceived and since then I've been in a good way.

I had my IUD removed in March to begin trying to conceive.  It has only been 4 months, so no surprise that it hasn't happened... but also no surprise that with every week that passes my symptoms increase in number and severity.  My anxiety around the entire thing has also gone through the roof.  I'm not very OK... I'm feeling scared and isolated.  I'm afraid that if we do conceive it will be another ectopic... I have a 4-year-old to take care of... I can't physically or emotionally do that (of course I CAN, I can make anything work... but I don't want to, and the prospect is scary).

I have a fertility specialist I have been working with since I was 13.  She is phenomenal.  I love her... but her approach of "Try and see, it worked out last time.  But make sure you come in right away if you do get pregnant so we can check since you’ve run into ‘trouble’ before…" causes me anxiety. (There is more to my pregnancy story... it was hard one, but not for this post) I should probably find strength and comfort in her nonchalant approach. I should probably think that if she isn't concerned I aught not be either.  Truth is... it is lending itself to my feelings of isolation.  I want tests and data, but I don't feel like I can ask for them.  I feel like I cannot even talk to my fertility specialist about my fertility issues and concerns.

I just really wish I knew what was going on in there so I could proceed with excitement and confidence, instead of fear and anxiety.  Is this sharp pain due to an ectopic? If this is just my regular pains... are they going to get worse?  Who knows, wait and see.

I guess I'm just looking to fear less isolated.

Thanks for reading.