Endometriosis Support Group
Endometriosis is a common medical condition where the tissue lining the uterus is found outside of the uterus, typically affecting other organs in the pelvis. The condition can lead to serious health problems, primarily pain and infertility. A major symptom of endometriosis is pain, mostly in the lower abdomen, lower back, and pelvic area.
I am 34, going on 35 and have severe endo. I've been told many times by my doctor that if I want children, I should start trying by 35 or else it might get complicated.
I've also been told by the gyno that diagnosed me that if I want to get pregnant, there are many things they can do. I've heard many stories of women who have become pregnant despite endo, even at a later age.
I am single and have been for 4 years. I am scared that I might never have kids and confused about my choices.
I recently developed feelings for someone 15 years older than me. He just asked me out. He already has teenage kids and had a vasectomy and doesn't want more kids.
I would love the opportunity to try getting pregnant, even though I might be infertile. And yet, I am afraid that I might not be able to get pregnant. I'm also afraid that even if I could, I might not be a good mom because I have chronic health issues and would be too tired to give them enough attention.
Part of me wants to hold onto the possibility of meeting a man my age who wants a family. The other part of me thinks that partnering with a man I really like who already has kids could provide a sense of family in its own way. If I can never have kids, then it would be nice to partner with someone who is a good match for me.
I've also been told by the gyno that diagnosed me that if I want to get pregnant, there are many things they can do. I've heard many stories of women who have become pregnant despite endo, even at a later age.
I am single and have been for 4 years. I am scared that I might never have kids and confused about my choices.
I recently developed feelings for someone 15 years older than me. He just asked me out. He already has teenage kids and had a vasectomy and doesn't want more kids.
I would love the opportunity to try getting pregnant, even though I might be infertile. And yet, I am afraid that I might not be able to get pregnant. I'm also afraid that even if I could, I might not be a good mom because I have chronic health issues and would be too tired to give them enough attention.
Part of me wants to hold onto the possibility of meeting a man my age who wants a family. The other part of me thinks that partnering with a man I really like who already has kids could provide a sense of family in its own way. If I can never have kids, then it would be nice to partner with someone who is a good match for me.
If you are contemplating having children, the chance of successfully conceiving without IVF goes down after age 35 - even if you don't have endo. By age 40 our chances of conceiving naturally (or with IVF) move to slim pickings.
A girlfriend of mine realized this and decided to have her eggs harvested and frozen. This is a bit controversial as many women take several cycles of IVF to conceive, so a good question would be: would you harvest eggs once or multiple times for the future? Do you tell your guy (who doesn't want kids), or keep it to yourself?
Only you know the right thing for yourself. My girlfriend did not have endo, but she chose to do this because of the odds.
Right now I'm going for IVF because it's the only option left for me. Endo attacked my tubes and caused them to become dialated - making it nearly impossible to keep a pregnancy going (tubes fill with toxic fluid and kill an embryo in the uterus if the tubes are too big).
Others have endo attack their egg reserve, or close off their tubes completely.
The other question about staying with the older gentleman...well...may I ask, what does your heart tell you to do?
I don't know what's involved with harvesting eggs. I don't know if I would want to do IVF. I think if I couldn't get pregnant, I would move towards fostering or adopting. It's mostly the "what if" question. What if I *could* get pregnant and never tried? If I did try and couldn't conceive, well then at least I tried and could accept that it wasn't meant to be.
What does my heart tell me? My initial reaction is that my heart wants family. When I look more into what family means, I think I could be happy in many scenarios. Fostering, helping to raise someone else's kids, being grandma to my step kids.
I like this guy, but he's clear that he wants his freedom for a while now that his kids have moved out and he's no longer in an unhappy marriage. I have my doubts that a woman in her 30s, ready to settle down is going to feel like freedom to him.
I think what it boils down to is that if I know I can have kids, I want to keep looking for the right partner to do it with. If I know I'm infertile, then I would consider dating someone I really like, even if he's already had a family.
That said, it sounds to me like you answered your own question. You said that you do want a family, whether it's biological children, adopted children, or stepchildren. If he's already around 50 with teenage kids, he's more than likely not going to want to even adopt in the future. Men seem to move past that whole "biological clock" thing much more quickly than we women do. Yes, he has children, but if they are teenagers, they have already been "raised." My BFF is going through this right now. Her youngest stepdaughter is 17, and even though they married when she was 10, the little girl still has a mom. She doesn't need or want another. They have a decent relationship, but my BFF has no say in how she's ultimately raised, even though they have primary custody. The big decisions still fall to the girl's mom and dad. It's a very tough role. Best case scenario is that you would end up with new teenage friends, but you still wouldn't have the opportunity to "raise" them.
If you want the experience of raising a child (biological or not), you are probably wasting your time with this older man. On the other hand, if you aren't overly concerned about a commitment from him right now and if you think you'd be content with having stepkids as friends and not doing the baby years, then by all means, stick it out with him for a while and see where it goes. It just sounds to me like you're wanting the actual childrearing experience, and you're not going to get that from an older man with teenage kids.
This is all based on what I'm reading between the lines of what you've written, and I could absolutely be wrong in my interpretation. Just wanted to give you another side to look at. (((HUGS)))
Then I also found out that infertility is covered by insurance for me.
So, I changed my tune. I wasn't over trying to have kids so early. We'd just made the decision to try...only to have it come back in our face.
It was one of those 180's that I didn't expect, but wouldn't have any other way.
Now, what luckymommy said...well...I have a neighbor who married an older man. They are VERY happy together. They have 2 dogs, and a very fun life. Gorgeous home, and they are happy.
Now my sister has a friend who married an older guy - and it's just like luckymommy said - he's past raising kids, but somehow he agreed to do it with her. They are miserable!!
The couple near me also have teanage kids, but she's not the "mom" - she's more the friendly other woman in their life.
I think happiness is all in perspective, is a dog family a family? :-)
I teater between two things, when I boil it down.
One, if I am not *meant* to have kids (somehow I have this sense that I don't get to choose this fate), then I can grieve and have fun with someone I care about.
Two, if I *can* get pregnant and carry to term, and if it's fair for me to raise children, then I will keep my faith that I will meet a man my age who wants to start a family and not be distracted by a lovely man who's already had his family.
Yes, teenage girls would be nothing more than friends. The closest I would get would be step-grandma if they ever have kids.
I could live with this if I knew that I couldn't get pregnant.
I think a fertility test is an excellent idea! If my "odds" are decent, then I'm going to keep that torch lit that maybe I will find a papa. If it seems sketchy and complicated, I would feel ok letting go of the idea of having my own children. I would, however, feel strongly about eventually fostering.
I am just getting to know this man, but the sense I got when I told him about fostering or mentoring as a big brother/big sister, was that he liked the idea, but isn't ready for it. He's only been alone for a year and needs to enjoy his freedom for a while. I completely understand that.
Really, it's not about this man in particular. It's about my own decision, now that I'm nearly 35, to throw in the towel and not try to find a man to have kids with. Life could be wonderful with someone who's the right fit, if I can let go having kids.
When I think of dating and that whole world, the only reason I feel pressured is my age, which is ultimately because of child-bearing. When I let that go, I'm in no rush at all to couple up with someone and quite enjoy the idea of going slowly and waiting for the right one.
I think fertility tests would probably solve a lot of this.
Thanks so much for letting me process that on here!!
The fertility test is a great idea. That didn't even occur to me, lol.
I thought your point was very valid. Older men generally do not want kids. And then I added onto that: older men can be quite miserable raising little kids.
Big hugs...