Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
The Letter Your Teenager Can't Write You
Gretchen Schmelzer | June 23, 2015
Dear Parent:
This is the letter I wish I could write.
This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I cant tell you this because I dont have the language for it and it wouldnt make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesnt matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesnt matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.
I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other endwhile I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I dont. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.
I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings arethey wont destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I dont love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I cant right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest thats fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I dont care. Just dont give up on me. Dont give up on this fight. I need it.
This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings dont mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.
And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.
I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.
Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.
Love, Your Teenager
2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer Ph
Gretchen Schmelzer | June 23, 2015
Dear Parent:
This is the letter I wish I could write.
This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I cant tell you this because I dont have the language for it and it wouldnt make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesnt matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesnt matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.
I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other endwhile I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I dont. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.
I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings arethey wont destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I dont love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I cant right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest thats fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I dont care. Just dont give up on me. Dont give up on this fight. I need it.
This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings dont mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.
And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.
I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.
Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.
Love, Your Teenager
2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer Ph
day1aknfan
I'm going to print this and give it to my daughter. She is 21 and recently moved in with her boyfriend and his parents after an argument with me. I'm terribly hurt and depressed over the situation and don't know how to rectify it. Long story short, she blames me for everything that's ever gone wrong in her life and she's extremely disrespectful and mean at times. I have given her everything within reason that I could and I would lay down my life for her or her brothers, but I finally had enough of being called horrible names and being screamed at and told her if she couldn't respect me as her parent, then she needed to leave. She did and I haven't seen her in 8 days. I know she's ok, we've cooly texted a few times and spoke briefly on the phone once. I will send this to her with a message that I will always be holding the end of the rope for her. Perhaps she doesn't think I am any longer due to this situation. No matter how angry and hurt I am or she is, I will always love her dearly and hope this final blow-up doesn't damage our relationship for good because that would kill me. However, the verbal abuse I was enduring had to end. (I left her father 8 years ago for the same reason and it amazes me how much she sounds like him when she's yelling at me :(
nanner1
Beautiful! Just Beautiful. Been there, done that. Toughest thing I have gone through by far. I do believe this is not just for teenagers though, as we know that the 'growing up' years can be a long process.
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