Hi, I'm 41 and have always had my daughter close and I've been used to her going to her dad's every other weekend.  I was used to her being away from home, but now it seems more than it is with her going to college.  Guess what?  Not even far either.  She comes home on the weekends to see me and to see her dad in another town.  I was, as well as my daughter was upset and cried when we moved her into her dorm.  I cried my river of tears on my way home after leaving her there...and then moved on.  

Lately, I've had bouts of medical issues that seem to be circling to anxiety.  I've had every test and still finding nothing.  I have been diagnosed years ago with Bipolar and PTSD, but over the past 8 years, I've been doing well until now.  The attacks have me thinking numerous things that are related to a medical serious diagnosis like diabetes, fibromyalgia, nerve issues, perimenopause, to a stroke, or heart attack.  However, my doctor seems to think it's anxiety due to the symptoms that I have been experiencing.  I've been ruled out for stroke or heart attack but I'm still trying to get a diagnosis for let me give you this medicine instead.  I just really wish doctors gave you answers!  Talking to them they did comment on it strongly being anxiety.  My work employee assistance program also believes it's anxiety and a very delayed reaction to my daughter temporarily leaving home and also knowing that though she might be living home temporarily even after college...she's still moving on, on her own.  Terrifying for someone who is by herself all the time except for work.  I'm overweight and struggling with how to fix this hole I'm in without breaking the bank too.  I do have my parents around and some other family members, but I am friendless and struggling with the loneliness that I never used to have issues to before.  I don't have problems with social settings, but I have big trust issues as I've been hurt and burned by friends in the past.  I hide behind reading and sometimes talk to others online, but not as much as I used to.  All of these signs sound alarmingly like depression and my previous diagnosis along with my new diagnosis of anxiety. I don't want meds.  If I could I would do a holistic approach.  I've thought about joining maybe Weight Watchers, a support group (if I can find one near me), acupuncture, physical therapy or a gym like Curves or something.  Just to get my self out there.  I did take a step of getting a part-time job as a receptionist for the front desk at a rehabilitation/nursing center.  I made a step, but now I feel like I'm two steps back.  My trust issues are a huge issue for me.  I have a complicated past of which I thought I did an amazing job getting through.

I just...am at a loss why I feel this immense sadness and frustration with my moody daughter.  I have been giving her help and then I let go to let her do it herself.  I don't want to micromanage her life.  I think I did that because she is a workaholic as well as going to school.  I feel like a contributed to her singledom as well.  Though on the plus side, she is dating a guy.  Me, I'm on my own.  I can only go to so many movies or out and about on my own before it really starts to set in that my only conversations will be with my parents and occasionally my daughter and those online, oh and at work.  Is there such a thing as fear of making friends and learning to trust that they won't abuse your trust?  I'm sure there is, but I'm just at a loss of where to go and what to do.  I know it sounds simple: join all those things I listed up above that I mentioned it.  It's just the matter of finding that motivation and doing it.  With medical issues coming into play and now the anxiety I just am lost.

Does anyone else feel like their child/children are too self-absorbed as well?  I went to the hospital and my daughter was there, but it was like she was mad at me the entire time.  Though she told me she didn't want to see me in the hospital and I know it bothered her.  But, the attitude?  I guess she won't see it now, and maybe with her own daughter or son she'll see it, but she seemed so indifferent and moody when I was there.  I feel like I'm losing that closeness with her and the loneliness is becoming crippling that I have now subjected my own body to anxiety.

I feel so out of control.  I've read all over the internet that this is so common and I came to vent and so I decided to open up on my own reaction to Empty Nest.  It truly sucks as a single parent and knowing that someday I'm actually going to be alone at home all the time. I have my cat and I'm sure she'll take her dogs with her, but still. I coped with it while she was with her dad or summers she was gone for long lengths of time, but this is so much different.  It's so hard to step back.  I've contemplated fostering or adopting.  But now the health issue has made me relunctant until I get that under control, hopefully. 

I have to say with the anxiety and looking for different ways to deal with it, that I'm glad to know there are others out there to talk to even though I'm completely friendless in real life.  It's making me think of new ways to try to deal and this forum looks like a good place to start.  Well, this and therapy again.  Life's many trials!