Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
As you'll see from my other posts, my son dropped me like a hot potato when he left home - but due to my recent illness, I've become desperate to fix our relationships, if it can be fixed. After much soul-searching and self-blame, apologizing to my son for my perceived failings - I thought I was being a caring, responsible mother - he thought I was being stern and critical. In an attempt to reinvent myself as someone he might want to know, I devised the motto:
Have faith, Lighten up, and Back off.
Because my endless concern for him was interpreted as me having no faith in him or confidence in his ability. And my sincere, intense concern for his welfare was 'insufferable' as he put it. And my constant offers of help and advice diminished him - even if he needed it, he didn't want to accept it.
Basically I am being forced to relinquish my place in the driver's seat of his life - and if I refuse to accept that he's capable of driving on his own, he'll kick me the curb anyway. So what have I got to lose?
This is very hard to get my head around as all I ever wanted in life was a family - to be a special someone to somebody - to be valuable and irreplaceable. It's hard to accept that I'm no longer important to him - because of course he is still hugely important to me. He has a new life, full of fun, new experiences, excitement and friends. I just have the loser's half of our old life together - which now seems pointless without him.
So I have no idea if this new strategy will work, but I am hoping that if I can transform myself from a 'parent' who 'owns' him, demanding respect and special status in his life - and become just another 'friend' who has no special claim on him or exclusive right to interfere in his life - then maybe he'll find me less difficult and insufferable to deal with? The problem being that friendship is not something I'm familiar with - I've never bothered with it, as I always preferred the special, exclusive relationships of family/partner. Being 'just another friend' of so-and-so was never enough for me. But it's better than nothing, where my son is concerned - and I think it's all I can hope for now he's grown up.
So as well as trying to 'have faith, lighten up and back off'' I've bought a book on friendship, called 'Friendships don't just Happen' by Shasta Nelson. So far the one thing I've got from it is that you have to schedule regular time with potential friends - so there's a challenge right off!
Bearing in mind that men are not mind-readers and need specific instructions rather than subtle hints (according to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) I will have to risk rejection by asking him outright for attention. And not sulking if I don't get it! And praising him to the skies/rewarding him if I do! Men need to be appreciated, apparently.
Well if nothing else, this will be character-building. I'm refusing to let go, move on or get over it - but I am prepared to change to suit him, if it means we can have a relationship. If it doesn't work out then maybe I'll find a different way of living and relating to people. I'm sure I didn't survive surgery for nothing, although I was quite happy to die at the time, since my life was empty and meaningless without my son. But here I am - still revolving around him, in a different way! Hopefully a more positive way. Only time will tell....
Have faith, Lighten up, and Back off.
Because my endless concern for him was interpreted as me having no faith in him or confidence in his ability. And my sincere, intense concern for his welfare was 'insufferable' as he put it. And my constant offers of help and advice diminished him - even if he needed it, he didn't want to accept it.
Basically I am being forced to relinquish my place in the driver's seat of his life - and if I refuse to accept that he's capable of driving on his own, he'll kick me the curb anyway. So what have I got to lose?
This is very hard to get my head around as all I ever wanted in life was a family - to be a special someone to somebody - to be valuable and irreplaceable. It's hard to accept that I'm no longer important to him - because of course he is still hugely important to me. He has a new life, full of fun, new experiences, excitement and friends. I just have the loser's half of our old life together - which now seems pointless without him.
So I have no idea if this new strategy will work, but I am hoping that if I can transform myself from a 'parent' who 'owns' him, demanding respect and special status in his life - and become just another 'friend' who has no special claim on him or exclusive right to interfere in his life - then maybe he'll find me less difficult and insufferable to deal with? The problem being that friendship is not something I'm familiar with - I've never bothered with it, as I always preferred the special, exclusive relationships of family/partner. Being 'just another friend' of so-and-so was never enough for me. But it's better than nothing, where my son is concerned - and I think it's all I can hope for now he's grown up.
So as well as trying to 'have faith, lighten up and back off'' I've bought a book on friendship, called 'Friendships don't just Happen' by Shasta Nelson. So far the one thing I've got from it is that you have to schedule regular time with potential friends - so there's a challenge right off!
Bearing in mind that men are not mind-readers and need specific instructions rather than subtle hints (according to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) I will have to risk rejection by asking him outright for attention. And not sulking if I don't get it! And praising him to the skies/rewarding him if I do! Men need to be appreciated, apparently.
Well if nothing else, this will be character-building. I'm refusing to let go, move on or get over it - but I am prepared to change to suit him, if it means we can have a relationship. If it doesn't work out then maybe I'll find a different way of living and relating to people. I'm sure I didn't survive surgery for nothing, although I was quite happy to die at the time, since my life was empty and meaningless without my son. But here I am - still revolving around him, in a different way! Hopefully a more positive way. Only time will tell....
I totally get you though.I refuse to let go as well.and have had to try new approaches. My first attempt to parent adult kids with my "concerns " was and is not appreciated.
They have to find their own way.just like I did.don't want my advice,concerns,or reminders ..or constant nagging or phone calls either!..I have asked them actually what they do want and how it would look.is slightly different for all 4 of them.some need more space than others and one needs aloit right now because he's trying really hard to be independent.. Thanks for sharing!!!!!!
That is a really good idea of yours about ASKING if they'd like some advice over something - I'll give that a try (because of course I know all the answers LOL - well I learned the hard way too!) ^_^
Meanwhile asking directly for a response of some kind to my messages led to a quick response when I messaged him yesterday - well he didn't want me calling him on the phone again! I am happy with 'yeah' or 'OK' or an emoticon as an answer - I just want to be acknowledged, so he obliged, bless him. I don't think he means to hurt me, he's just thoughtless and busy - and of course trying to distance himself from me in order to gain some self respect and independence.
However - there are now big changes afoot - because one nugget of wisdom I got from the book on friendship, which I linked to in my last post, is that seeing someone regularly is essential to breaking the ice. So I'm relocating to the city where he lives! Yes it's drastic, but I'm desperate! I have nothing in this village now that my son's gone - my country cottage is so peaceful I'm tempted to invite the Grim Reaper to tea just to alleviate the boredom, and that is not a good idea! So I set that plan in motion yesterday - and I wasn't sure about telling my son incase he freaked out, but I framed it as 'I'll be able to get a job if I move to town' rather than 'I'm stalking you!!!' - so to my relief he thought it was a great idea ^_^ I will of course respect his boundaries - and may even be too busy to see him LOL - who knows? At least I'm not sitting here moping any more - I may be getting old but I'm not dead yet ^_^ The government's raised pension age here in the UK to 67 years old, so technically, I still have over 10 years working life ahead of me, if I can find the energy somehow....
Interesting side effect is my depression has lifted, just because I have at least an illusion that I'm in control of my life again - and yes I know it's an illusion, but it's convincing enough to lift the dark clouds of depression from me, more or less, without medication (which I had been considering before).
I've also 'taken control' of my diet - thrown out all the sugar, oil, butter, baking stuff - now eating a ton of high fibre wholegrains, raw nuts, fruit, oily fish etc, and determined to lose some weight.
Again, being proactive about my diet has made me feel more in control - and since depression is invariably caused by feeling helpless and frustrated - a victim of your life, I feel less depressed now. Doesn't matter if it's all a silly idea and I'm kidding myself - it's making me feel better.
Not to mention the fact that dismantling furniture to take with me 'when I move', rehoming tons of clutter and surplus furniture (amazing how much we accumulate when raising a family), and looking for somewhere to live on google; researching areas on google maps, etc - all has kept me distracted and busy better than anything else could. And because it feels like I'm making a new life, rather than clinging onto the old one, I feel interested in life again.
My son meanwhile still thinks it's a great idea! I message him every day, whether or not he responds - and if he ignores me for 3 days, I give him a call on the phone - but in friendly, forgiving spirit, not using an accusatory tone of 'you're ignoring me'. Being reminded of my existence daily seems to be bringing us closer than we were when I was determined to 'be good' and let him get on with his new life without bothering him for attention.
I don't ask for much - typing 'OK' is all I need to feel acknowledged and happy. We don't have much to talk about these days, so there's not much else he can say anyway! Often I just message him have a great day and love you lots - that's all, because we have nothing to talk about now our lives have diverged - but at least it reminds him I exist, which is I think important if you want a place in someone's life - it's like caring for a plant - you don't want to overwater it or it dies, but equally if you don't tend it regularly, gently and frequently, it will die. It's hard to get the balance right, and both parties need to be willing to forgive and forget - start afresh each day.
I know the advice on empty nest sites says don't make any drastic changes, but making changes is the only thing which fools my brain into thinking I'm in control of a situation. Otherwise I feel helpless and then depressed, like a victim of life. I HATE that feeling so much, I'd rather risk making some stupid mistakes, which I'll likely regret in 10 years time (because realistically village living is going to be more pleasant in my old age than inner city social housing).
If I was married, I have no idea what I'd do in this situation. Husbands generally don't embrace change very readily, and wouldn't consider relocating, or pretending to (who knows if I actually will or not?) unless there was money in it for them, or a promotion, etc. That is a an incredibly hard situation for a bereft mom, as there's nothing pro-active she can do to ease the heartache. I would still do the daily communication thing though, no matter how brief the message or absent the reply. Phone if they've not responded after 3 days - they'll soon start messaging at least an emoticon (which is all I get usually - and it's all I need!) just to stop you calling them. Thank goodness for modern technology.... Although if you can think of anything to write, mail them a letter every week, or a card wishing them a good week - just don't expect a reply, or sulk when you don't get one. I think even the most estranged child would like a weekly card or letter - and according to my book on friendship, 'showing up' regularly is the main way friendships are started. So if a card shows up, it's better than nothing surely? Simple friendship has to become the aim, now we're 'not allowed' to mother them any more. We'll maybe never become 'close' friends or confidants with them again, but simple friendship is preferable to nothing, as far as I'm concerned, and that depends more on showing up regularly and being pleasant, than on expectations of loyalty based on a shared past. Because as far as my son's concerned, the past is over - he's turned that page and isn't going back! Now I have to do the same....
I think this is what I meant when I started this topic - When our children decide they want to be adult, we are forced to abandon or defend our natural role as 'parent'. It's very hard to reinvent ourselves, and so we resist. We 'up the ante' and become more 'parental' - more controlling, or more nurturing, depending on our parenting style. We are trying to force our child to remain in 'the game' because we are comfortable in our role as 'parent' and can't continue with that if they refuse to continue with the reciprocal role of 'child'.
This is why it's so hard when our kids grow up and leave home - it's a crisis of identity for us, especially if we found the role of parent rewarding and fulfilling. Our child is insisting on playing the 'adult' (in TA terms) so if we want to continue our relationship in a healthy way, we must become 'adult' too, maybe for the first time in our lives. More often we insist on staying in a 'parent' role - or we switch to 'child' if that's the only alternative we know. We sulk, cry, feel hurt, helpless, vulnerable. We demand they 'play' with us, or take care of our emotional needs. We even have tantrums over it! Or we grovel and apologize, become submissive and inferior to them.
None of which is healthy - our adult kids will reject us in either case. What they need now is another adult to relate to - someone who respects them and isn't needy or demanding. A friend rather than someone clinging to the role of 'parent' or 'child' in their relationship. We can but try! I don't think anyone else has ever forced me to act like an adult before, so I'm not sure what it entails! Good luck to us all....
I am afraid because of my own personal history I gave up on the parent role and switched to child. I am desperately trying to be an adult about all this but I do really struggle with it.
Although I hate for anyone to feel this way I am just so happy to know I am not alone.
The expression "I gave them wings and taught them to fly" is apt as far as I'm concerned BUT we need to be very careful to try not to clip those wings!
I've just spent a weekend with my son, grandson and over bearing DIL, it was more pleasant than I expected because I had changed my thought pattern. I decided to ignore the nasty remarks my sons wife chooses for my ears and concentrate on loving the baby and being with my son! It seems to have worked because today I feel great! Friday I was full of dread. It's down to this site and feedback I had from my last post. Thank you so much.
Just one of the things that came up over the weekend whilst we were watching the baby, he was enjoying a drink (directly from the bottle) she piped up "is that fizzy pop?" my husband (granddad) just glared at her, he's not allowed fizzy pop, she said! I replaced it with water and baby continued to enjoy his drink. Later my husband pointed out that she's quite happy for baby to drink beer from their glass when they're in the pub (which is a lot of time)...so you see my point is we cannot do anything but she and her family/friends can do as they please. Well pah! to that
So far the relocation thing is going remarkably well (never mind the miracle of getting a new flat after just a fortnight on the housing register!) I don't know my son's address, or have a regular visiting time scheduled for them, as he likes to be free to choose when he sees me, and is still a little wary about me 'taking over', but so far they visit a couple of times a week, out of the blue - a vast improvement on once a month!
And I still message him on facebook daily - ie 'show up' regularly to wish him a good day and tell him I love him (facebook 'stickers' are great for a lighthearted, fun interaction.) And I make sure to tell him I've been out all by myself and done grown up things - ie: I'm not sitting here sadly waiting for him to visit. I've even started doing voluntary work for a charity! My son is thrilled to bits with the 'new me' and my new life - and so am I, although it is always a struggle not to cluck and fuss over my chick when I see him - once a mum, always a mum!
Accepting and loving his choice of partner and lifestyle has been essential too - I haven't questioned her or their relationship, just accepted the whole idea enthusiastically - it's all we can do if we want to be included in their new life. So I have hugged her from day one of meeting her, and said although I don't know her, I love her because she makes my son happy, which is all I want really! Mainly I know my 'place' - and it's not in a position of power or importance any more - I know I'll only be tolerated if I'm tolerant, easy-going, friendly and pleasant. So I'm trying! Got no other choice LOL