Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I had my daughter late in life (35) and raised her alone. My own childhood was very dysfunctional, but becoming a mother gave me an identity, joy and purpose I'd never known. I loved everything about it, she was my reason for everything/decision I made. We were our only family, us against the world, and as she got older, I gave her alot of freedom & trust, as she was always a good kid, and I was working, providing for us with no financial and/or emotional support. I managed to by us a house, but by then, she was determined to get out on her own (granted, she was then 20), which she did, quitting her job & moving in with her cousin 400 miles away, in the middle of the day, while I was @ work and 2 weeks before Christmas. I was devasted but tried to be supportive, while she pretty much "ghosted" me for the next 3 years, resentful that she was struggling financially (me too!) and had met a guy (who came from a a big family, the only thing I could not give her & I was distinctly excluded from). When they broke up, she came back to live with me, had a felony DUI (this was in 2013), went into treatment & has turned her life around. I have supported her through all of it, I was all she had &, of course, the mom-guilt of what mistakes had I made? Fast forward to now, we actually work together (same office) and have a very good relationship, she has her meetings & friends, and I have ... well, my job. The last 10 years has taken it's toll on my self-esteem, but I know alot of that stems from my childhood. Now, she has met another guy, this one not only comes from a big, close-knit family, but they have money too. I, subsequently, sold my house to pay for her legal fees, rehab, etc., and live in a tiny studio apt., while the new bf has his own house his parents bought him (he's 26!). She's only known him for about 8 months, he's in Recovery too, and they've had some issues, he relapsed, they broke up, but now they are back together & she is determined to make this work. She has met his parents (who have been married forever, unlike her loser-mother), travel (they have their own plane), and adore my daughter. I have not met (or even talked to) ANYONE, it has not even been suggested (too soon?) and I really feel like I'm gonna lose her to these people. I am old & alone, all I do is go to work, I feel like an embarrassment & can't possibly compete with what they have to offer. Now, I know I've accomplished alot, I have a BScN, which I didn't do anything with, but I still make a decent living, was able to buy a house all on my own, expected it to be somewhere for holidays, etc. to spend with my daughter & HER future family, but that fantasy is shot to hell. I really want to be a grown-up about this, but I vacillate between feeling like the biggest loser that walked the planet or straightup anger & resentment. Any thoughts/advice, other than going into therapy, which I just started ...
I struggle with feelings of shame- normal considering my background.
I have done my best but there is no way I can compete with two parent families who have money, and supportive families. I never had a penny from anyone- not the offer of babysitting!
My sons have girlfriends and are spending the time with their families. I feel upset that a son has cooked many times for his girlfriend and her family- but never cooked for me! He does lots of DIY for them- but they are a two parent family, grandparents, money etc it just isn't fair.
I do wonder if I am too boring etc to spend time with
and they have to build relationships, so they won't be alone when we are gone. I get it, but it still hurts to have no "purpose" , no one depending on me, no one to hurry home to look after. All the advice about getting out there and dating again, going out with friends, spending time on hobbies, etc., is lost on me, because I never enjoyed those things before becoming an mom...so, not interested in them, now. I just work, study, work some more, to make the time go by and maybe end up with some money I can leave to them.