Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I am the married mother of an only child-daughter- We moved her in last Friday for her senior year at college, she is about 2 hours away. She became engaged last October and plans to be married a week after she graduates in May 2019. Her fiance is from Wisconsin. We live and she goes to school in Illinois. They will be married in Wisconsin. I do not really know him well, although due to the distance to his home he does come to our home for school breaks. I do not know his family at all. When she started college, I always felt it would be okay because she would be back (she also made me believe she intended to work in her hometown area after college)but now this is it. She will not be back and if she does come back for breaks she will not be alone. I am very blessed to have had this last summer alone with her and am grateful for that. But I am just not ready, I thought I had more time. My husband is great but loves his work at his family's business so our daughter was all I have had for 20+ years. It was usually just her and I. He was okay with it, because I did not bother him about being home after she came along. Now, I am facing the fact that -this is it. There is a high probability she will move to his hometown or stay in their college area. Everyone says its only X amount of hours away it will be fine. But is really not. My daughter is not the same when she does come home with him and they mostly keep to themselves at our house. I do not think he likes me at all and it is very apparent. I try to make him feel welcome and make sure we have his favorite food, snacks, or drinks on hand. He never says thank you for anything. I feel like I have lost everything my marriage is stagnant and she is gone. Everyone also said during her freshman year the empty nest syndrome would get better but it really hasn't even after 4 years later. I work part time, volunteer at the local food bank, joined a zumba class and a ladies life group at church so I feel like I have done everything I was supposed to do. To make matters worse our pet recently died tragically and he was my company in the evenings when my husband is not there ( he normally works 5am to 6pm daily)-- I recently came across this blog and this part hit really hard:
"It’s like I’ve been hit with the emotional equivalent of a hurricane. I mean, I figured I’d be sad when she left. You can’t spend every single day of 18 years with someone and then not miss them when they move away. Even if your kid is a pain in the ass. Which mine isn’t, by the way, which probably makes it harder.
And I knew I would feel worry. Because up until now I knew pretty much where my child was at all times. I knew what time she went to bed, what time she woke up, and what she ate for breakfast. Now, overnight, she’s living in a big city and I don’t know if she got enough sleep or what she’s wearing or if she remembered to bring a jacket. The only word I can think of to describe all of this not-knowing is…unsettling.
Anger. I didn’t expect to feel anger. Yes, I am angry at the world right now for not preparing me for this. How many pieces of unsolicited advice do we get in our years of parenting? Thousands? At every other milestone I felt inundated with information and opinions. People talk endlessly about how hard it is having a newborn, the sleepless nights, breastfeeding, co-sleeping. The toddler tantrums. Picky eater preschoolers. The middle school years…hormones, mean girls, bullying. High school…peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, academic stress. Texting and driving. And so on. I mean, you can’t get people to shut upabout that stuff.
People say, “Oh, you’re lucky that she’ll only be an hour away,” which until yesterday, actually gave me comfort. But I quickly realized that it doesn’t matter much if she’s not in her bedroom and she’s an hour away versus she’s not in her bedroom and she’s five hours away. Either way, she’s not in her bedroom. Either way, the house is too quiet.
I keep having this vision in my head of my little girl walking away, towards her building, and in this vision I’m fighting back tears and yelling, “WAIT! Turn around! Please, I’m not done yet. I need more time…just a little more time!”
But my time is up and all I can do is hope that I used it well.
so this is my story and and I know I am not the only one but in my small circle of the world, it certainly feels like it
I took my youngest of 2 to college a couple days ago and I feel even more sadness than when I took my first to college. Obviously it’s because I have no young children left at home and all that. I just hate being in this emotional head-space again and look forward to it passing.
So back to my daughter. I drove almost 2 hours into WI to go to a private botique where she had her dress fitted. There were 2 bridesmaids there. We had champagne, took pictures and had a lovely time. Afterwards, I invited the girls to lunch but they declined because they had appointments. So daughter and I walked across that little strip mall to a nice mom-and-pop Mexican restaurant and had lunch. It was a very rural setting with a church and tower across the street, like Mayberry RFD from Andy Griffith.
After lunch, we walked to our cars to say goodbye. I felt a little funny getting into my car alone. It was hot, I had the windows open and I was checking my voicemail and email since my job is healthcare and we work 24/7. While I was doing that, the church across the street started to chime like wedding bells. I got a mental picture of my girl in her wedding gown walking the aisle. After a few agonizing minutes of that, the bells stopped and the tower played a little music-box song like a lullaby. I flashed on the infant girl I brought home, along with a picture of the woman in a wedding dress. I lost it. I couldn't drive, I was too tearful. I had to call my husband and have him talk me out of it so I could make the long drive home.
I googled a question "do you cry at bride dress fittings" to see if I was normal, and I came upon a Hispanic man who saw his daughter fitted in her dress and he lost it too. So I guess it is normal!
is the wedding still on for June? Thinking about you :)