Hi Olga,

I went through this 2 years ago and I made it. I didn't think I would but I did. My son moved home after his first year of college, but is now moving out to his own apartment. He graduates this December. I'm not sure how I will handle that but I think I am more prepared this time. I remember feeling the same things you are right now and not thinking I would ever recover. I did and so will you. It won't be easy, but you will get through it. Hang in there and keep sharing your feelings. It really helps.

hi Olga - I'm also a single mum of an only child, and yes it is terribly hard when you're finished raising them, and you've done such a good job they feel confident to fly the nest! You feel proud and happy, but devastated at losing them! The confusion and conflicting emotions are so hard to deal with, especially when you don't want them to think you're being clingy and demanding - you don't want to be a burden to them in their new life. For me it felt most like that awful physical heartache I'd suffered in my teens, from unrequited love - desperately wanting to be with someone, but they don't want to be with you - utter torture. Even though our kids love us, they are so excited about growing up and becoming independent, exploring a whole new world in total freedom, their love for us definitely pales into insignificance compared to their new life - so they forget, or they're busy, etc. and it's very easy to feel hurt and insulted and just plain upset when they ignore us, to the extent that you shut yourself away in a little protective bubble, too proud to beg them for attention. All the advice I read said keep busy, let them alone, concentrate on building your own life, etc. Did NOT work for me at all!

I have felt much happier since joining my son on facebook and sending him silly stickers and smiley faces EVERY single day - even if he ignores it (which he did at first but now always responds to, because he knows I'm not expecting anything or demanding attention). I decided to try and befriend him, in a non-claiming, pleasant, undemanding way - as you would try to befriend a stranger you just met. I had to accept that the balance of power in our relationship was forever changed - he now calls the shots and holds all the cards - I am the needy one. I also had to let go of everything I thought I knew about him, because this is what our kids want desperately to get away from - they want to reinvent themselves as adult people, and they want respect, not someone constantly reminding them of what they were like as kids (unless they ask of course!) Unlike most friends me and my son don't have very much in common - so I try to take an interest in what interests him, and don't expect him to take any interest in my interests.

There is absolutely no room for parental expectations of my child paying 'homage' to me, the self-styled 'monarch' of my own little kingdom (which is my parents attitude to me) - it ain't happening. I got a couple of books about friendship and learned some 'rules' which family tend to not bother with - because family can take each other for granted right? Wrong! Once children have left home, you have to WIN their attention as they have so many other demands on their time. And you have to resist being offended if they're too busy for you, even though it hurts like crazy! If you want someone to be your friend, what do you do about it? You keep in touch regularly and often. You're always agreeable, generous and helpful. You try to be good company, in a fun way. You don't sulk or get demanding, or scold them for letting you down, unless you want to be dumped that is! It is definitely the same with our adult kids - I ignored my own mother for many years because she was too concerned for my welfare and safety to be happy for me in any way - all she could do was scold and caution - and even though SHE WAS RIGHT *sigh* I didn't want to hear it! So I know my son will go the same way if I don't lighten up too, even if I'm worried sick about him!

The most important thing is to be forgiving, swallow your hurt, believe with all your heart that they are too nice and good to deliberately hurt you, so you have to let it go when they inevitably do, tell yourself it was an accident - they didn't mean it - have faith in them and in their abilities. They're simply very very busy and excited by life - unlike us! They're not deliberately thoughtless, it just happens, and we have to accept it. They do still need us very much, fundamentally - and always will - like a safety net there to catch them when they fall. But they don't want that safety net wrapped around them - they don't even want to notice it's there! It is a difficult balance to maintain, but you will work it out - and if you find your daughter pulling away or avoiding you, then don't ignore it - apologize, ask what you've done wrong and what you should do differently - be humble and tell them you love them - be there for them every single day, because their whole world can collapse in an instant, and they will need comfort and advice from you, but be too proud to ask for it or chase you up. Whereas if you turn up every day online to message them 'hi, love you, bye' (in essence!) they know you will be there to turn to when things have gone wrong. Just don't outstay your welcome! The most I get in reply is usually 'yeah' or 'ok' which on the bright side means he's still alive at least! ^_^

One bonus to being a single mom though is mobility and freedom. I am moving house to be literally a few streets away from my son's new place. And he's happy about it!!! I was almost too scared to tell him, but he's glad I'm making a new life for myself away from the 'family home' - it does help that I'm moving to a small flat with only one bedroom, so he knows I'm not expecting him to move back in with me any time - he thinks I'm 'moving on' with my life rather than hovering around him still. Who knows, maybe I will reinvent myself too, when I move from the countryside to the town! Hopefully he will come to tea once a week anyway - and if he has kids, I'll be a useful grandma. Whatever - relocating has energized me and taken my mind off grieving the biggest loss I've ever known. There is so much to do, so much to pack and give away, I haven't felt depressed since I started with this scheme to relocate and leave the family home with all its memories. Yes it's contrary to all the advice, and yes it may be madness, and yes I may regret it one day - but I was drowning in grief - going under for the 3rd time, never to resurface - this proactive move has made me feel more in control again, and been a lifesaver for me. So far no regrets!

This may not suit you or even be possible, but you will work out a way to get through this dark tunnel ahead and back into the sunshine, even though it seems never-ending at the time. Just be honest with your daughter, tell her you love her and will miss her terribly - she needs to know that she's important to you. My son seemed hurt by the fact that I coped so well at first, so don't be afraid to show her you're sad - it's the end of an era for you both. Things will change forever between you once she's independent, but it can be the start of a good, new relationship if you let go of your pride and status as 'mother and grown-up superior person' and all the expectations which go along with that claim. Every mother that ever loved her child goes through this, so we know we're not alone in our suffering, and it is survivable. Meanwhile it's pretty devastating xxxx