yes I'm new here too - been reading all the other posts and realise I'm not actually crazy or overreacting - we miss our kids and it hurts! My only son left 6 months ago, and it's getting harder not easier, because the longer he's gone, the more I'm being forced to accept he's not coming back - it's the end of an era. I think it's hard to grieve properly and move on, when your brain knows it's a good thing for a child to become independent, and you're happy for them, because they're happy and successful - and yet your heart is telling you it's the end of the world and you just want to cry a river!

edanayour words expressed the feelings PERFECTLY!! Yes, we should be proud and happy that our sons are independent and doing well BUT our hearts are hurting. I wish I could say it has gotten easier for me as I am YEARS into this empty nest BUT, I still cry. I MISS my boys and all the things we used to do together. It is an END but also a beginning. It is a new way to go about each day and I am trying to do things I enjoy that I never had time to do before. My best advice is to keep busy. Sigh. It is nice to know we are not alone in these feelings and it is because of our deep love for our kids that we grieve. Nothing wrong with that!!! HUGS!

Thanks for your kind words

how are you feeling Charl1811? Do you have any other children at home still? I hope you can schedule a regular time to speak to your son on the phone - just a few minutes makes so much difference I find. But yes it is the worst pain since unrequited love back when I was a teenager - you will feel better some days then worse again - it's a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally. Keep talking about it though - it has really helped me writing it all down on this forum.
Thinking of you and all the other 'outgrown' mothers out there ((hugs)) I'm sure they will remember us when the novelty wears off - we just need to be patient and keep reminding them we exist!

Hi Charl. I can relate. My heart breaks for you. This empty nest thing sucks. Walking past that empty bedroom is torture. I can't set foot in there. My absent son doesn't respond to my messages, well only if I am paying some bill for him. And honestly, it really does feel like I'm a teenager with a bad case of unrequited love, as Edana said.

Hi Guys, I'm new here too. Yes, "empty nest syndrome" sucks but, face it, its nature's way of telling us to look at our co-dependency issues. If we're really taking a nose-dive @ the onset of our kid or kids leaving home, we really have to do a reality check. After all, its a NATURAL process for the kids to eventually leave. If we're hung-up on it, its because we've lost a part of our identity in the process and the relationship is lopsided (unhealthy). Parents are supposed to be the "adults" the strong ones who offer the child direction. Our purpose is not to create surrogate spouse/partner relationships with our kids. I know this sometimes (often) happens, but, its neither healthy nor normal (or beneficial for the child's perspective -- on how to interact with another). We have to remember: We are the ROLE MODEL. The nurturer and the provider for these "little saplings" that are supposed to grow-up and separate from our grasp. They're not gone forever. Its just another transitional phase we are destined to face as parents. Hopefully, we did our job right and they come back and visit often.

hi applejackxxxx - I think you misunderstand single parenthood, or maybe jump to conclusions that the grief we suffer when our children leave home is because they're our partner substitute. Certainly in my case, being a single parent made me ultra-responsible as I had to be both father and mother, disciplinarian and nurturer, to my son. This is a hard act to juggle, and it consumes our time and emotions. Consequently when our kids leave home, we are being made doubly redundant - because we did the job of 2 people!

Losing anyone from our immediate circle of family or friends is hard, and involves a grieving process, whether you've lost that person due to relocating, change of job, or death, it is hard. If you refuse to accept that a loss has occured, and allow yourself to grieve, you bury that loss and it damages you emotionally and affects your other relationships. Grieving is healthy and normal, whereas telling ourselves something is natural and we should just 'get over it', is not normal, or healthy. Children growing up and leaving home may be a natural process as you rightly point out, but so is the death of an elderly relative, and you wouldn't tell someone enduring that loss to buck up would you? It's no different - a loss has occurred and it hurts.

Having the attitude that we're the strong one, we're the role model, and we have to continue with that persona up to, during and after our children grow up and leave home, strangely doesn't help our children either. When they grow up, and achieve independence, our relationship with them has to change on a profound level, or cease to exist. We have to stop with the parent act, and become something entirely new to them, because they are becoming something entirely new themselves. Otherwise we will be relegated to their past, like an old teddy bear, maybe visited at Christmas, maybe phoned once a week out of obligation.

If you are fine with this, then that's OK for you. Personally I want more from family life, and having had no relationship with my parents throughout most of my adult life, I don't want my son to have to struggle alone like I did. Our children will feel happier I believe, if they don't have to abandon us, because losing an important relationship for ANY reason is emotionally difficult if not traumatic. The loss has to be acknowledged, or suppressed and allowed to fester. But if we insist on sticking to our parental persona as 'the strong one, the role model, the high and mighty parent' then our children will have no choice but break off the relationship. Having a relationship with anyone who thinks of themselves as innately superior to you, is not much fun for anyone, especially when you're new to being an adult, and making mistakes quite regularly. Our adult kids need respect and admiration for their ability to survive without us - so we need to become their friendly, non-judgmental, humble cheerleaders - no matter what we really think of their choices. Easier just to let them go their own way no doubt, telling ourselves it's natural, but I love my son enough to try and change to suit him. I know from my own experience with my own, rather aloof and superior parents, that this is what he needs - NOT a role model.

Hi Edana,

I AM a single parent,too. I married (for love) at the age 23 and had a(n) (unplanned) baby right away. Unfortunately, my husband turned-out to be a Jeckyl/Hyde personality and began to Beat Me, nearly constantly. After the baby was born, the beatings Got Worse! (He would actually step-over the baby to punch me; stand over the bassinette to threaten me). I stayed married to him, out of fear and shame. By the time I found the courage to divorce the beast, my child was nearly 3yrs old and he had tried to strangle me to death in front of her! Unfortunately, he had a strong social position and as such, the police would do nothing to protect me. They just said; No one can do anything to you that you dont want done to you, maam. [Nice!]

When I finally LEFT , the beast would take everything we owned and leave us with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Needless to say, he never offered child support and never visited or communicated with his child. It was a shocker and a struggle. I didn't fight anything thru the courts and neither did I badger him for support. I just grit my teeth and bore the injustice of it all and carried on with my child on my hip and my visions of a better life in my head and strode on with sheer tenacity and determination to succeed.
Admittedly, I was a mess for it all, for some years to come, but felt I had no choice. After 6 months, I started a company w/all my hate-rage for him in the hope that one day into the future my kid could have all she desired.

Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way...3yrs after the split, I was g@nged r@ped and my life was desecrated! I was so traumatized, I had to abandon my company and the dozen employees I had under my employ. I couldnt walk straight for 4 years as a result of the attack. I was a mess although I did my best to hide it (for survivals sake). After nearly a year after the attack, as my life slowly spiraled out of control, I went Home to my family, in hope to recover better.

Unfortunately, my family is and always was dysfunctional. They apparently KNEW all about my assault and were, decisively GLAD. But it would take much time for this revelation to come to my realization. Meanwhile, my (co-dependent/narcissistic) mother & (codependent /narcissistic) sister tried take control of my child and destroy my (shattered life). For the next 10yrs I would be battling courts over false (criminal accusations) made up by them and even be more emotionally scarred by being held illegally on false charges in a dirty jail, corralled among Child Killers, Bank Robbers, Violent Felons and Diseased Drug Addicts! [Seriously, I had to sit in a cell with a woman who had actually brutally stabbed and dismembered her own 4yr old child and buried him in her back yard in a garbage bag!] [It was SO traumatizing!] When I finally successfully fought-0ff all the false accusations (single-handedly) [to the utter shock of the judges involved, etc.] I Also succeed in keeping my child from being taken from me in a struggle to keep her from being seized by my dysfunctional family. As soon as that ended, I left town, with my child (who was 11yrs old). I said good-bye to my Mom, (knowing I would never look back or speak to her, ever again!). It was hard, but I was convinced she (and sister) were possessed or just plain nuts!
The subsequent years of guilty feelings for cutting myself off and my child off from her relatives was tough but I felt I had no other choice. [I did let her talk to them on the phone over the years but never disclosed where we were and I NEVER spoke to any of them!] We started out, AGAIN, with nothing and NO ONE to support or help us. I had little to NO money and mediocre/poor credit. Somehow I managed to rent a car (via secured credit car offer) and by negotiating a LOW rate, was actually able to rent a Brand New Jaguar car for ONLY $5/day! (Believe it or not!) I kept it for 3 months and moved 200 miles away and tried to start our lives over again. It was soooooooooooo hard!

I ended up schooling my child myself, after the principal breached our privacy rights after I had enrolled her in a Catholic private school. They claimed they needed to talk to the grand parent and sister (who were both teachers) to get her transcripts. I was livid and pulled my kid out of school. It was in deliberate violation of my parental and privacy rights! I was FORCED to have to learn how to home school my child, as a result. If you don't think ALL THAT was rough -- as a single mom -- than re-read it and try to imagine being in those shoes... (Not nice)!

After 4 yrs of that, my child was now 15 and approaching 10th grade. I was a ragged, expended mess for trying to juggle a life and career amid the background of perpetual violations of my sacred being and trust in anyone I trusted. I was alone thru all this drama, as well. It was rough! Finally, I would answer an ad for someone seeking a roommate. I met a woman who we would later live with for the next 3.5yrs. It was better, because I had someone / a peer to communicate my thoughts with, although she also, had serious temper/mental issues.

All in all, however, we survived...Fast forward 13 years: my Mom was in the hospital preparing for quadruple bypass surgery. She specifically summoned me to come. I did. At that time, I found out she was unaware of the lies that MY SISTER had made up about me being a "criminal" and that she was just as duped by the deception at that time, as I was. It was sad to realize we had been estranged for all that time because of my DIRTY LIAR sister. But it was a relief to know she wasn't the b@stard I had come to believe her to be. That all happened just 6yrs ago. Ive taken all that time to grieve the loss of my Mom. Although she survived the operation, she was killed by the hospital staff 10 days later. My 6 siblings all wanted her money and her possessions. I was excluded from everything, as a result of my demented sisters lies. The teacher/sister was so demented, she was evil to both my daughter and myself at my Mothers funeral! (What a NO- Surprise!) The most hurtful part was her cold/indifferent attitude toward my daughter (whom she had tried to STEAL all those years ago).

So, WHY did I tell you ALL THAT? Because I wanted to show you all something My daughter, at that time, in her early 20s and working, was so kind, to allow me to live with her, as I fell apart, emotionally from all the grief. We eventually ended up living together, again, for the next 6 yrs. I improved, but we remained together, like sisters. While that may sound strange or nice, is no matter, what would happen later would be WHY Ive shared all this with you

Parents cannot be buddies with their children as tempting as it is and as innocent as it seems to a single parent. We forget that these little entities, our children, are just that: OUR CHILDREN. They are not Mature Adults. Although they may have witnessed our traumas and dramas, they do NOT have the LIFE EXPERIENCE to draw on to interpret what they are witnessing. That is just natural. However, THAT is what WE (as single parents) tend to forget, especially when we fall into the self-pitying waters of the empty nest syndrome. The kid cannot understand what were going thru. We, just look like co-dependent / CLINGY/ out-of-touch NEEDY /dysfunctional adults to them, at that point and perhaps the WORST part is, that WE in our self-misery dont even see how they are looking at us like that and we are alienating ourselves from them, as growing adults, more and more, as a result!

Heres an example that may drive-home what I REALLY mean here:
Just BEFORE Mothers Day (weeks ago) I found out, quite by accident, that My ONLY Child, My Daughter, who I sacrificed my ENTIRE LIFE to make hers as happy and normal as possible, GOT MARRIED ~ WITHOUT ME ~ AND she INVITED THE BEAST ~ IN MY PLACE! Whats more, shes been hiding this from me for the past 5 months! BOTH OF THEM HAVE BEEN MASQUARDING in front of me! Add to this $h*tty reality, the fact that the GUY is 7yrs her senior and a neurosurgeon! Yes! A DOCTOR! WOW. Could anything be as lethal an injection as that, for a SINGLE PARENT GOING THRU EMPTY NEST SYNDROME alone? If so, PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORY WITH ME!

I found the pictures of her wedding that was held 3wks before Christmas: [the very same date as the day we split from the woman I had been rooming with who turned out to be (ALMOST) as psycho as my Mother and sister who also called unfounded accusations upon US and tore all our worldly possessions out of our lives (which at that time, totaled $350,000), illegally but in such a way as that we had no avail]. Talk about SICK! The pictures clearly show her getting married, her father at the wedding ceremony and them all DANCING gaily at the reception! Everyone there except the ONE PERSON who SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO MAKE HER LIFE HAPPY.

So, dear Edana, I do know a little something about what I am preaching. Life experiences have taught me how to be strong, how to endure, how to forgive and how to read Jean- Jacque Rousseaus, Emile so that if I EVER decide to have another child [as Im over 50 and in perfect health, btw], I KNOW BETTER how Ill rear THAT ONE!

In closing, nothing stated here is intended to be received as having been stated in a condescending tone or with a belittling attitude. Im just sharing, (for the 1st time in my life), my feelings of grief and my experience of Flying Out of the Empty Nest (a syndrome I believe the medical establishment poised before us to buy into to appeal to the co-dependent/narcissistic side of our selves ultimately, for THEIR profit!). Can We All say, Go Pharma! everyone? WE ARE WOMEN: WE ARE STRONG! We Bore Children! Thats a miraculous feat! Congratulate yourselves on your victory! Dont misconstrue all your efforts as a loss. Our job is to rear them TO LEAVE. If we lament when they leave we are saying, by our behavior, that we are schitzophrentic!

Who wants that?!?

applejaxxxx you have my sympathy - I hope you feel better for sharing that, and I hope you can find some peace and happiness during the latter years of your life. I know it's very hard to relax when your entire life has been one battle after another - you become an adrenalin-junkie, literally, and strangely seem to attract drama, 'challeng' and 'difficult' people, because it's all you've ever known. You have had a terrible time over the years, and quite possibly suffering from Continuous Traumatic Stress Disorder. I really think you need professional help and support - although I'm aware of how difficult if not impossible it is to ask for help or trust anyone after a lifetime of trauma at the hands of other people, when you've also had to simultaneously battle the authorities (whom you'd hoped would protect you!) Preferable to continue fortifying the battlements and try to rise above it all, even if it is hard work!

All I can advise is be kind and gentle to yourself - be the mother you never had, to yourself - be the sister/friend you never had, to yourself - counsel yourself, reward yourself, treat yourself kindly, allow yourself to be 'weak' in the privacy of your own room even if you're only ever seen as strong and confident by everyone else. I found it difficult at first to stop driving myself 'onwards and upwards' determined to beat the odds which life seemed to have pitched against me. But it seems some people are just unlucky in life, in love, in family, in relationships, in work, finances, etc. I now accept that I'm one of those people, and am resigned to it, plus my priorities changed after my recent illness. I don't push myself hard now, or really want much out of life any more - I just want to have a pleasant time, for what's left of it. Isolating myself for years has definitely made life less stressful for me, and helped me to heal from all the 'sh*t that happened', although I now habitually talk out loud to myself in private! Doing so whilst pacing up and down for hours has really helped me come to terms with life's traumas - however eccentric it may seem to other people, it works for me. Find something which works for you, if this doesn't appeal, or seek professional help, victim support groups etc. if isolation is something you find abhorrent. I hope you can find some joy in life now you've had more than your portion of pain! xxx

sorry not 'challeng' but of course 'challenge'!!!

sorry Charl1811 for hijacking your thread so much!

applejaxxxx after I'd logged off I was thinking how odd it was our lives are similar in so many ways - the main difference being that I no longer think of my mother as a narcissistic sociopath, because I know she's on the autistic spectrum. I know myself, my son, my parents, sister entire family are on the spectrum - my son was diagnosed when he started school, and his psych listened to my life story and said in her opinion the entire family were on the spectrum.

thing is it's all I've ever known - autism is my 'normal' - I always attract men on the autistic spectrum too, which leads to a very dysfunctional relationship, since we both have a social handicap! Autistic men are very difficult to live with. Knowing this has helped me forgive my mum, dad, abusive ex's, son - and myself, and be more realistic about life. I wondered if it could be a factor in your dysfunctional family relationships too, if it's something you haven't already considered? Just a thought - forgive me if it's way off the mark, but if it might help you see things in a different light, that could be a good thing xxx