Hey Danita

Yes, I definitely have struggled with ambivalent feelings over employment but mine was rooted in terror and fear of failure more than not wanting to work. I spent decades of working at a corporate level as a PA in various companies. The stress and anxiety were both so huge and triggered me severely especially during the worst times of my ED journey. I eventually suffered what I suspect was emotional burnout and had to resign several positions one after another. Each time I was able to pick myself up again and find a new job, I'd then promised myself I'd "do better" ...but the problem was not laziness or not wanting to work; just the terror and unmanageable fears which sat under my EDs. I suffered that journey for a long time along with all the guilt and shame...until I came to a realisation that I was sick, despairing and needed more help than I'd received. (I had previously sought counselling years earlier but now realise it had only dealt with very surface issues). There came a time when I could no longer keep up the farce of being at the corporate level, pushing through all the feelings and "being a cope-r" in denial like I'd been taught to do by my family.

These days my life is so much simpler. I completely changed my focus and career, retrained in the field of education (am still working on this one as due to DID I couldn't manage it all at once).

I have had quite a few happy and successful positions of working with children at both preschool and primary school levels which were very rewarding though challenging. At present, I'm completing my TESOL qualification (90% done) then after that I don't really know what to do next. All I know is I want to teach in some form in the area of English language and literacy to foreigners. What form that will take is still undecided by me.

I hope some of this helps answer your question.

For me personally the ED has only been a surface "symptom" (albeit a very dangerous and serious one); the underlying pain caused by early abuse/torture has driven the whole thing. As I've got therapy and done a lot of hard psyche work, things have bit by bit improved.

Take care x

Ive struggled a lot with not wanting to go to work. In fact Ive never wanted to go to work and never enjoyed having a job. When Ive had a job (all of my jobs have been temporary) Ive felt I cant wait for them to end and Ive often wished that Id get the flu or something to have an excuse not to go to work.

Ive noticed that as a job progresses I become depressed and find it difficult to be a normal colleague. It becomes hard to join in small talk and I feel ashamed of my behaviour. I too have many times decided when I start a new job that this time its going to be different. Its never been different though in any traditional job where you go there in the morning and spent several hours "imprisoned" in some defined space with certain other people. It has only been different in volunteer work that I do for a couple of hours a week. "Real" jobs have never worked out.

Ive managed to be unemployed for several years now but the employment services are going to be pushing me into "a job" sometime this autumn and Im dreading it.

A few years ago when I was studying full time I ended up getting strong feelings of anxiety on Sunday evenings as I anticipated the week ahead.

I did discuss my work problems in therapy and its certainly worth doing. The feeling of imprisonment when I have a job is huge for me as well as the feeling that Im not doing anything useful. Your reasons may be different from mine but theres probably something in common.

Its hard to put up with the pressures of expectations that we have a job and work full time. I do understand!

Kathy (((( ))))

OMG Kathy, I totally relate!!! I have the fear of failure too but all in all I'm a pretty hard worker and never had issues with my performance. It's all been about actually wanting to go and getting up in the morning dreading it. I get SEVERLY depressed on Sunday nights! It sucks. I'm in a temp position that's ending and I'm so ready to go. I even like my coworkers which I find to be helpful but I still want out of there. I'm going to bring it up to my therapist for sure because I may be starting a new job soon and I sooo don't want to go through this again. I want to find out how to be happy or at least content at work. I have to work, no way around it unfortunately. I feel so much better that you guys can relate! We should chat more Kathy! Thanks to both of you!

Getting up and out early is hellish for me too. Im generally a slow person and Im also very much a night person. I just dont function in the mornings and feel bad if I have to. I function best if I have time to myself in the morning to see to little jobs at home and have a leisurely breakfast before setting out.

If I mention this to other people they always say Ill get used to the change in my daily rhythm. Unfortunately Ive only found that it gets worse the longer I have to get up too early. It is indeed challenging to be out of synch with mainstream society!