Ahhhhhhhh, I wish I could give you a big hug. You are not gross. There is meant to be fat on your hips and not being able to diet has nothing to do with self control. Stop these voices in your head! Very few people can stick to a diet- and the ones that can- ask them if they are happy...they will tell you no! I love to eat also, its one of lifes greatest pleasures. So is your body and the amazing things it can do.
Try to think why you are so fixated on your body, are there feelings you are running from or trying to suppress? Are there other aspects of yourself you can try to focus on instead?
Peace.

Yeah the diet mentality can be such a self defeating purpose. The longer foods are prohibited, the more seductive they become. Then eating those "bad" foods brings on the guilt. With the increase of guilt, the increase of food. This deprivation backlash is called the see-saw syndrome. Deprivation and guilt oppose each other, like two kids on a see-saw. Try eating what you like in moderation and you'll see that it won't be as compelling as it is now. It will help put food into perspective and allow you a new sense of freedom. xo