Welcome to the group. You are definitely not alone in how you feel - I've even cried while on the bathroom floor (and even on the toilet! with the lid down...lol). I also sat in Burger Kings parking lot and cried about my ED. It is very upsetting to deal with an ED and how it makes us feel. ((Hugs))

I binged and starved myself for 30 years and for most of that I was at a healthy weight. What we weigh is not what determines if we have an ED or not. It's the thought process behind it. I have been in therapy healing from a traumatic childhood and have learned that having an ED is a coping mechanism. It's a way to control our feelings so we don't have to feel them. If you can I would suggest you find a therapist who specializes in healing from ED's. If you are not able to do that right now then please keep coming here and talking to us. There are lots of caring, understanding and supportive people here.

Welcome! So glad you made it here and were brave enough to post! EDs are a terrible way to live and the ED thrives by isolating us and telling us things like we are "too fat" or "weigh too much" to have an ED. Statistically most people w EDs are of normal weight or overweight. That being said, MANY people with restrictive EDs/patterns are of normal weights too. Like Lucky said it is about the patterns, thoughts, behaviors, etc that define the ED not a specific number that you weigh, calories you eat, etc. Have you gotten connected yet with a counselor? That is the biggest tool you will find in recovering from your ED. Using a space like here is also key as the connection and normalization helps with the healing. It's a great group, glad you joined us, please keep reading and posting!

Hi. I'm new here as well. Your post is the first one I read and I just feel relief that I'm not alone. I just don't know how to stop this. I'm hoping that joining this group will help me.

@LuckyEmpath and @LP0126 thank you so much. i wish i could say i was at a normal weight but i know for a fact that i'm not. i would honestly be happy if i was just 140 something, maybe 130 if i can get there but today a friend of mine took a picture of me from the side and sent it to me on snapchat and my mood dropped immediately. i looked like the hunchback. i looked so round. my double chin was so prominent. how do i stop obsessing? i perform regular body checks, all the time, whether it's wrapping my hand around my wrist to see if my fingers touch or pulling at the fat on my neck and chin or pinching my stomach and thighs. sometimes it's subconscious sometimes it's not but when i catch myself i feel like crying.

@ReadyNow we are both not alone then. and even if we were we have each other. we're all strong enough, we just have to find that spark. i'm glad you've joined, i'm proud of you. thank you so much for reading.

Body checking is a huge behavior that I think we all do and never turns out the way we like it! lol. The goal in ED recovery is that we can love and nurture our bodies AS THEY ARE, no matter the size. That it isn't about size and weight but about a clean diet that is flexible and allows for treats and occasions but provides us nourishment and promotes health. It is about physical exercise that we enjoy and is rejuvenating and strengthens our bodies not exhausts and destroys them. That is the ideal... I'm not even close and don't know when I will be, but that is my dream. To not care what I look like in the mirror because I know I am worth so much more than a side profile view or the rolls on my belly. Dreaming of what I think recovery can look like helps me keep going towards it and I have to believe that some day we can all get there. It is a lot of work and a long journey but I have yet to meet someone that said it wasn't worth it. The short periods getting closer to recovery that I have had gave me some glimpses of hope. Its out there, we just have to keep working at it. You've both made huge steps joining and posting. Congratulate yourselves for that!

Proxi, I know just how you feel when you look at picture! I never know if I can trust what I'm seeing...Do I see a distorted image of myself or is that what I really look like? Either way a picture of myself can crush me! I hate that a picture has that much power over me, and I'm working on not letting it, on remembering I'm so much more than my appearance, whatever it happens to be, there is more to me, and I deserve recovery and to be appreciated just the way I am.

Thanks for your post and welcome to the group!