Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Wanting to purge so badly

littlemisslonely
littlemisslonely

I'm 16 years old and I'm trying to recover from bulimia. This is my first post. I have been struggling since I was 14 or younger with eating disordered thoughts (calorie counting since 12 yrs old, restricting, exercising, critical about body, etc.) The past two years have been rough, but this year I have been trying to be better and recover. But sometimes my thoughts go into binge mode for no good reason, even though I have already eaten enough, making me want to eat everything. I usually don't listen to them, but because today I was upset due to a fight with my mom, I gave in to the thoughts as punishment. I knew I would feel bad afterwards, and even worse, that I wouldn't let myself purge it and thus make myself feel better. It wasn't even a binge, but I simply overate and I felt completely out of control. I felt like a slob. Usually I'll eat my meal slowly, with water in between sips, and drink water after the meal and not have anything else, but today I was so upset I did all the opposite. I didn't even drink water. So I just felt disgusting with myself and all of a sudden I got this really horrible anxiety and started to hyperventilate and sob. So now I'm just here on my bed, sobbing because I want to purge so badly. I don't think I'll ever get better. I need someone to talk to. I have no one. I'm lonely.

Recoverywarrior789
Recoverywarrior789
Sending you love! I have been in your position, wanting recovery so badly but also sometimes being unable to stop the thoughts & behaviors. I want you to remember that your eating disorder serves a purpose. When something triggering like a fight happens, your first response will be to deal with that by using your eating disorder to cope. I hope you can remind yourself of this and have compassion for yourself. Do you a therapist or someone to process this with? Reaching out and having outside support is really important in recovery.
Foursmore
Foursmore
Hi ya, also sending you love! As Recoverywarrior89 wrote, ED's in most cases, ironically, become our automatic coping mechanism to life stresses. Once you know this to be the case, it can sometimes be easer to find a path towards fixing it.

The best thing my therapist did for me was to explain this and help me find new ways to cope. The other best thing she did, which I believe was key to recovery was to teach me a few CBT techniques to help with obsessive thoughts (calorie counting, urge to purge, obsessively thinking about what I had eaten that day, etc etc).

The most effective technique was to visualize a stop sign in my mind, and as soon as those thoughts would come, even a hint of a thought I would visualize the stop sign. in the beginning I could literally be putting stop signs up in my mind repetitively one after the other. But it did quite quickly break the habits.

I know everyone is different, but I could really relate with your anxiety and for me the anxiety was always perpetuated by the obsessive thoughts going round and round in my head, and not being able to get away from them. This technique helped me to relax my brain, and get a breather from it all.