Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I've been relapsing for awhile but in my head I think I've been making excuses for myself. It went from not doing it at all to "it's only happened once I'll be fine," to "well, I'm feeling rather full so it's okay," to back to purging multiple times a day.
I know it's wrong and I know I'm hurting myself, but I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to say something to anyone and I feel very alone. Before I had an entire support system behind me and I'm sure I still would, but there is already so much going on in the lives of those I could tell that I'm afraid to talk to them. My mother has her hands full with my younger sister, my best friend was raped several months ago and I'm trying to be there for her for that, and I'm so afraid of what my fianc will say. I don't have time for therapy.
I'd put on about 15lbs a few months after I started relapsing, which in turn I believe made me do it more often in order to lose the weight. The odd thing is that this time around, it's not because I think I'm fat. Granted, I believe I could stand to lose some weight but I don't think I'm very overweight. I've been working out so I know a little can be contributed to muscle.. I don't know why I started back up, honestly, but I have and I can already feel the exhaustion creeping in. I don't know if it's a control issue as lately I've been feeling overwhelmed in life or if I just don't know how to live without bulimia. I already have heart issues and it's gotten to the point where I have to purge after I eat because it physically hurts to have a normal amount of food in my stomach.
I just feel so disgusting. I can't seem to go 8 hours without doing it. I purge at home, at work, in bar restrooms, at the mall, anytime I eat something. This huge part of me is hoping I will get caught by someone, but I don't think I will. I'm getting sloppy and I know it but after 11 years of this I think I'm too tired to care and I just want help but I know right now I can't ask for it.
I just want so badly to be strong enough to do it on my own. And I'm sharing this because I just need somebody to know that I'm afraid and not okay.
I know it's wrong and I know I'm hurting myself, but I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to say something to anyone and I feel very alone. Before I had an entire support system behind me and I'm sure I still would, but there is already so much going on in the lives of those I could tell that I'm afraid to talk to them. My mother has her hands full with my younger sister, my best friend was raped several months ago and I'm trying to be there for her for that, and I'm so afraid of what my fianc will say. I don't have time for therapy.
I'd put on about 15lbs a few months after I started relapsing, which in turn I believe made me do it more often in order to lose the weight. The odd thing is that this time around, it's not because I think I'm fat. Granted, I believe I could stand to lose some weight but I don't think I'm very overweight. I've been working out so I know a little can be contributed to muscle.. I don't know why I started back up, honestly, but I have and I can already feel the exhaustion creeping in. I don't know if it's a control issue as lately I've been feeling overwhelmed in life or if I just don't know how to live without bulimia. I already have heart issues and it's gotten to the point where I have to purge after I eat because it physically hurts to have a normal amount of food in my stomach.
I just feel so disgusting. I can't seem to go 8 hours without doing it. I purge at home, at work, in bar restrooms, at the mall, anytime I eat something. This huge part of me is hoping I will get caught by someone, but I don't think I will. I'm getting sloppy and I know it but after 11 years of this I think I'm too tired to care and I just want help but I know right now I can't ask for it.
I just want so badly to be strong enough to do it on my own. And I'm sharing this because I just need somebody to know that I'm afraid and not okay.
I've relapsed with binging and purging and it's soooooo frustrating. You're not alone!
I do want to stop, I am very tired of living my life this way. But the thought of being watched again after every time I eat or being followed to the restroom is very suffocating and scares me.
Hugs