For the past few years I've had an issue with food. I feel guilty whenever I eat anything, no matter what it is, how healthy it is, or how much I have. It started when I was still at school and was under a lot of pressure with exams and personal issues. I never counted calories or anything like that but I felt like food was the only thing I had any control over. I'd throw away my lunch every day at school, and hate myself if I had more than one meal a day. I began to make myself sick whenever I felt like I ate too much, and this is still happening today, although not as often.
However, I still feel as though food is the only aspect of my life I have any control over. I'm suffering with anxiety and depression at the moment, and have just been put on a new type of anti-depressant which apparently makes you gain weight like crazy! I'm terrified that I'm going to get any bigger - I've lost a stone in the past few months just from not eating very much and exercising a bit more and I don't want to put it back on. My BMI is *just* underweight, but I still feel like a complete failure. I just want to be in control of something, I hate every single thing about myself and this is the only thing I feel like I can control. My parents keep commenting on how skinny I'm getting and how I need to eat more but I can't do it. I don't know if I have just an unhealthy relationship with food or an eating disorder or what? I haven't brought this up with my doctor or therapist at the moment because I have so much other stuff going on that 1) I haven't had the chance, and 2) I keep putting it off because I'm embarrassed.
I don't know what to do anymore.