hey guys-i have been really struggling lately with my ED. this is due to a lot of things but particularly because my brother was baptized sunday and ihad to miss it due to a migraine. it took FOUR excedrin, two tylenol, and an immitrex to get it to go away. i was so upset that i had to miss it, .that i almost binged. i am starting to notice that there is a definite connection between my migraines and my bingeing.

while watching a report on youtube, i found the phone number for NEDA (the national eating disorder association). so for the past few days, i have been trying to contact them. i had called 3 times with no luck, and i was too scared to leave a messege. so today, i woke up to find doughnuts, fudge, and other foods that make me crazy. i had almost given in, untill i found the NEDA number scrawled on my desk. i called. no answer, so i sheepishly left my name and number.

about an hour later, my phone rang. i thought the man on the other end would just read a pre-printed list of questions. i thought he'd be cold and exacting, and just ask me a string of yes or no questions. i couldn't have been more wrong.

william was wonderful. he was caring. he listened and answered all my questions. and the best part is that what i told him is completely confidential. that makes reaching out for help infinitely easier. when i told him my symptoms he said it sou nds like i have binge eating disorder.

he gave me referrals to a couple of websites and found a counsoler for me.

it seems as though god brings joyce meyer sermons to my attention on especially difficult days. and sometimes when i am really struggling with this, i'll find a messege of joyce's that feels like it was meant for me. and then, i'll find on those tough days that the sermon will play over and over on different channels. it's almost as if god is trying to hammer his word into my brain. today's messege is on god's grace..how he will equipt his children with the grace to go through whatever we have to go through with peace and joy.

this whole experience has only brought me closer to god. i am learning so much more than just how and why i eat the way i do. this is about so much more than just my destructive eating habits. this is about how i see myself, my issues with body image...this is about me getting closer to god and allowing him to heal me spirit, soul, and body.

this is the poem i wrote after speaking with NEDA:

#74 The Light

I can see the light
It's starting to shine in
I think I'm on my way
To finding myself again

Too long I've been afraid
Of allowing myself to feel pain
So I stuffed it all with food
Untill it went away

For years, I buried everything
The abuse
The break-ups
The rejection and discrimination
Even the bad grades
It all needed a quick fix

And I didn't know
I didn't know my midnight kitchen trips were making me sick
I didn't know I was slipping into an abyss
That the rest of the world had ignored
That I was slowly and steadily losing control

But now I do
And I know my enemy's name
Binge Eating Disorder
It is the thing that's driving me insane

I know this now because I got brave
And called someone who cared
He listened to me and answered my questions
And seemed to understand everything

The shame that I feel each time that I allow myself to binge
The frustration I feel
Because well-meaning people keep bringing me sweets
Despite me telling them
For me, they are not treats
For me, they only hurt

But now that I have done this
I can finally see
A light at the end of this tunnel
Waiting for me

Jesus knows where I'm at
He has heard my cries
He knows that I have believed Satan's lies

And He is right there with me
Walking me through
Holding my hand and saying
I love you

I can see the light
It's starting to shine in
I think I'm on my way
To finding myself again
Fallon Marie

so from a technical standpoint, it doesn't flow well. it's a bit choppy in spots because i had to stop writing a few times. this one took a few hours to get out of my gut and on to paper. but that's my soul at the moment.-fallon