I don't want to seem like I'm spamming this support group. But I was very much moved by everyone's help and support on a post the other day I wrote called 'Too Sensitive.' I'm not really sure how this site works yet and I wanted to reply to people's comments but I don't think you get any kind of notification on here? Because it had been a while since I logged in I thought people might not read my comment.

I have some more to get off my chest, and I wanted to thank everyone. It's so nice to find somewhere on the internet where people are supportive and there aren't any trolls. Thanks so much for reading my posts and offering up support.

Anyway the gist of my previous post is that my housemate and 'best friend' has started to make some really unpleasant remarks about my weight and general appearance since we moved in together. For pretty much our whole friendship she's had a habit of telling me men have told her that they don't find me attractive. Or saying 'most guys who talk to me say they find (insert mutual acquaintance) much hotter than you.' That last one has the double effect of making me feel like crap AND building jealousy in me against the girl. She's my oldest friend and we used to be so close, but this past year I haven't been able to hang out with her without some mean comment about my looks. Of course always, apparently, coming from someone else.

I probably shouldn't have moved in with yet another toxic person.

The thing is my situation was really, really bad. To cut what could be 20 discussion posts into a few sentences; my Mum was an alcoholic and we had a very tempestuous relationship, my ED began when I was about 11, my step dad was physically abusive towards both of us, when I finally decided to leave with an extremely tattered self esteem I moved straight in with someone who also verbally and psychologically abused me and managed to isolate me from everyone. He dictated what I wore and would have one of his rages if I even left the house. He also loved calling me fat and unfit even though I was tiny at that point. Finally I left him. He stalked me and things got very messy afterwards... But then finally my Mum left my abusive step dad, taking my little brother. The three of us lived together for a while and I attempted to start college, but it was really hard with my Mum's drinking and looking after my little brother all the time. So I said it was time, I had to move out and closer to college. My Mum said she didn't want to be left alone to look after my brother, so both of them moved back to the UK. We moved from the UK to Australia when I was 11.

So I was left alone in the country. I found a house on Gumtree, which is like Australia's Craigslist. So I very stupidly moved in with some complete strangers... The two girls I lived with were typical party girls and every night there were different drunk guys around the house. I'm an extremely introverted person so I'd just hide out in my room. I heard the girls refer to me as a 'freak' and say things like 'typical, we'd get stuck with a creepy nerd girl.' They'd hound the men for their opinions about my looks. If the men said anything nice (though it was nice in drunk frat boy language - normally 'I'd tap that' or 'she's hot') then the girls would just be especially mean about me. I remember once overhearing "but she looks like if you tried to have sex with her you'd snag on her bones."

One night I was studying and I heard them in the lounge room. There was a new bunch of guys around who had never seen me. I heard the girls say "well just go open her door and have a look." So they did. They just barged into my room to judge my physical appearance.

The comments from the men were irrelevant, though sometimes they'd say unpleasant things about me. The comments from the girls were usually much worse. But I couldn't stand the invasion of privacy and the constant judgement, either positive or negative.

I would vent to my friend Sophie. That's my housemate, I might as well just use her name and make it easier to understand. It's not like anyone's going to track her down based on her first name. She's always been the person I confided in, for years and years about all the horrible things that have happened. She told me that she and her boyfriend were moving out and needed some housemates, and for a while I thought things were going to be so much better. But history is repeating itself.

I don't know... Sophie has always had this streak. It's just that it used to be dwarfed by how nice and supportive she was the majority of the time. She herself in deep and meaningfuls has described it as being 'too honest' and 'not being able to keep a secret.' But even if people really have said such cutting things about my appearance to her, telling me about that is hardly just 'honesty.'

I still struggle with depression and PTSD from everything that has happened to me, and I still have very messed up habits when it comes to food. And my obsession with my own weight is pretty much the way I deal with any trauma, but generally I'm doing much better these days. And I think that's maybe why things have changed between Sophie and I... I think I was always the poor disadvantaged friend with a dreadful home life and lots of mental problems. And she was so kind and charitable for being my only friend. Those were the terms of our friendship and I think she'd like them to stay that way.

Anyway. I'm worried about moving out and ending up in another really bad situation. And I don't have many friends and no family. Being a student I don't have enough money to live alone. So I think for the moment I just need to get myself some strategies for staying sane until I finish my studies. Dailystrength is already helping immensely and I only just discovered it a few weeks ago.

But another strange thing that I feel is relevant to anyone with an ED. For my entire life I seem to have received much more judgement about my weight and physical appearance than can possibly be normal.

I remember watching this documentary when I was a kid about a guy with a phobia of hedgehogs, and he'd see them everywhere. Once a hedgehog actually climbed into his room through his window at night. The odds of something like that happening to anyone were ridiculously low. When you have a phobia of something you see that thing everywhere. I've always hated spiders, and when I was an English girl who had just moved to Australia it was especially bad. A huntsman spider actually dropped from the ceiling onto my head once, I don't know anyone else here in Australia that has experienced such a thing. Huntsman spiders are about as big as a hand, by the way.

My point is that to me, or anyone else with an ED, comments about my weight or appearance are crippling. So why the hell are they everywhere? Does everyone get them, and we just obsess about them and internalize them more? Do we look for them like arachnophobes scan rooms for spiders? Or is it just the Universe being cruel? Or are some people just so horrible they can sense people's vulnerabilities? What do you guys think?