Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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LetsBeFree4 03/13/2017

Hi all. This is a bit lengthy.

So, I've been in a rut for a while now... I'd say about 2.5-3 weeks. At this point I'm not sure I can even call it a rut. I feel like it's just the norm. Anyway, behaviors have increased in all areas (b/p/lax) and I'm feeling super hopeless and helpless. I have a therapy session tonight (I'm dreading it with every ounce of my being) and haven't had one the past 2 weeks cause of schedule conflicts and my therapist being out of town. Not having sessions definitely gives ED "permission" to take over full throttle, but I still feel like therapy is a waste. I've been going for about a year and a half and it's so frustrating not feeling like I've made any improvement. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place I was when I started.

I've also had a few (seems like 100) close friends/mentors on me about getting into a PHP. I had an assessment as a tx facility and that's what they recommended. Honestly, I feel like that might not even help at this point. However, I just cannot afford a PHP anyway. It's not an option right now and don't see it being anytime soon. So that discussion coming up a lot hasn't been helping my situation and the behaviors at all.

Self-injury has also increased the past few months. It's my last resort when I can't get myself under control and everything is racing and flooding my mind. Lately, it's the only thing that will help me sleep.

Any and all help is very much appreciated.

CeeCee4 03/13/2017

Gosh you sound just like me when I was engaging in behaviors constantly. Therapist might not be a dressing issues related to.your eating disorder or showing you clarity on why you are engaging in your ed. If you don't understand why then how can you try to fix it?

CeeCee4 03/14/2017

Don't loose gope. There is always hope. I had to fight for 5 years of constant relapses but now I only engage once in a while. I'm way better not 100% but hey its something
Your not alone we are here
Breaking the b/p/lax cycle is hard. But it can be done

CeeCee4 03/14/2017

Don't forget you are in control you can walk away from the food or the purge and not swallow the laxatives it is only temporary relief to a problem that will resurface again and again.

CeeCee4 03/14/2017

Why do you engage? Do you have safe outlets? Do you have a way to help resist the urges? I like deep breathing. Just take like 10 to 15 deep breaths and relax and do it again.it helped me focus on my mission not to harm myself. I also got into sports and fitness and started doing things for myself it helped a whole.lot

forestfreek 03/14/2017

Huge hugs to you, LetBeFree - I know it can be frustrating and overwhelming to try and fight to come out the other side of an ED. Just when you think you're making headway something comes up and the behaviours feel all out of control again. Seems like an endless battle, doesn't it? Please don't lose hope - attitude is a large part of helping to overcome any type of addictive behaviour. Believe in yourself that you CAN fight this successfully and there is always hope. It's a lengthy process so be kind and gentle with yourself. Tell your counsellor at your next session exactly what you've said here, especially the part about feeling like you've made no progress in the past year. Could be that you just aren't able to see it for yourself right now, or it could be that your therapist needs to take things in a different direction. Be honest with him/her, though. They aren't mind readers and can only help when we're clear about how we're feeling (easier said than done, I know....)
Good luck
Jen

Dancinggirl 03/14/2017

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. Please keep posting and I hope that you will have better days. You can do this. Hugs Laya

LetsBeFree4 03/14/2017

CeeCee4 - thank you for your response. I agree that I don't think we always get to the root of the problem in therapy. I'm also awful when I'm there though in the sense that I go mute. I literally can't ever say anything. I'll usually journal and send them to her beforehand so we can process those during sessions. Lately, it's been hard to do that. I haven't journaled in a while. That's the only way I can actually talk during sessions though.

I have a few things that help push the thoughts of engaging in behaviors aside momentarily... but then they're just louder later making them even more intense behaviors. I engage to escape everything. To turn the noise in my head off. I don't want to hear it anymore. To do any of this anymore. I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained.

forestfreek - thank you. I had session last night and told her I was don't with everything. She said that's ED wanted to be done and that I need to keep fighting. I'm just in every way possible, done. She says that I have made a ton of progress and I may be back to where I was, but it's cause I'm not getting the support I need. That I need to be going to sessions more. In a PHP. That's just not financially an option. I do sometimes wish she was a mind reader cause I find myself scared to say certain things. I don't want to feel like I've failed her anymore than I already do.

Laya - thank you, xoxo.

Mom2girlies 03/14/2017

Awe I am sorry your having such a hard time. You are not failing HER. This is a process and not everyone is going to get through it at the same rate. I have b/p off and on for the last 20 years. I have gone for long periods of time without doing it but when everything else in my life feels out of my control its like this is something i can control. I still havent figured out what the base cause of mine is. I have been in therapy for six years. I was getting better with it then in Oct. my gma passed away and then it started all over again. My point is please dont give up. Find something, anything that makes you happy and try to use that to help yourself. Whatever you find you cant say to your therapist write in your journal it will help you in the end. Hugs and prayers your way!

LetsBeFree4 03/14/2017

Mom2girlies - Thank you for your encouragement. I can understand why your gma passing would send you into another cycle of behaviors. Most things (the few) that make me happy aren't always that easily accessible all the time. I've been trying to go for walks more often and sit and read at this beautiful House of Worship by one of the clinics I work in. That helps me clear my head a little. Only certain days is this an option though. I'm going to try and journal a little tonight before calling it a night early. I'm just past the point of exhaustion and want to isolate from everything and everyone.

Veenew1 03/18/2017

Letsbefree4 it's gods you have things to do to help you clear your head . Please don't self mutilate or isolate from everything .Find something deep inside that makes you happy and engage in that to distract you .

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