Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Been back into hospital again, but scrambled my way out although forced on a Involuntary Treatment Order - ITO (Sectioned). I managed to get discharged a week ago, but have been hiding it that I haven't been eating since, and was hiding food and purging in hospital (although I was on constant observations with a 1:1 nurse 24/7, which I hated!). I know that I won't be able to keep going like this forever, but I avoided my appointment review on Friday because I 'accidentally got the time wrong'. I know I will have to face them this week, but now I'm just really trying to avoid and hide everything so I don't have to get sent to hospital again, I hate the hospital, and mental health hospitals, especially now I am in the adult sections. I will have to go in again, I just do not want to have that damn dreaded NG tube, especially since I am at a healthy body weight!! I'm still only barely into the BMI 19, I am still fat, they made me gain weight even when I was at BMI 20-21, which was so unneccessary because they said I didn't need to gain any weight at all yet I put on like 3-4 kg!! :'( I've lost it all now, but I still want to be lower, and less fat, I hate myself and I hate them force feeding me and drugging all the patients so they are asleep all the time so they don't have to bother doing anything for the patients which is what they are paid for. They don't even do therapy in there, they just drug you, fatten you even more, keep you locked up and lose your full control and freedom, then eventually send you home! Ahh, let this week go ok, I'm not going to ring them, they have to ring ME, not my dad, I'm an adult, they have my phone number, and I AM THE PATIENT not dad!!!!
Obviously Im concerned about you and how deep in the grip of your ED you are. Im also concerned about the treatment youve been receiving and its effectiveness/ineffectiveness.
When I was an anorexic teenager I managed to "escape" having to go to the doctors by forcing myself to eat enough so I didnt lose any more weight. I wasnt eating enough to grow or develop and that sure has caused me a lot of distress later in life. But I avoided medical intervention. Another girl at my school didnt. She was hospitalised for several months and afterwards I noticed she had some sort of "intense nutrition" drinks in a thermos that she dutifully consumed at breaks. Last I heard shed become a psychiatrist but that is by the way... I did feel though that I couldt have stood the shame of having to be away from school, of all sorts of people finding out about my strange, embarrassing illness, of being "fattened up" and especially the shame of my parents finding out about me (despite the fact they were concerned about my weight loss). That sort of thing wasnt supposed to happen in our family and I wasnt able to communicate with my parents. Later Ive read fact and fiction about treatments of anorexia and other eating disorders and often they have helped strengthen my doubts as to how I would have coped with treatment (this was back in the 1980s by the way).
Forced feeding treatments are doubtless sometimes necessary when an ED patients life is in danger. If the patients BMI is around 20 however the forced approach sounds cruel and counterproductive. You understandably resent the "treatment". It makes you sad, angry and defensive and you react by clinging even more strongly to your ED behaviours - perhaps to punish them - the medical professionals and your family, perhaps to punish yourself or perhaps you dont understand why. At least I have known the feeling of needing to punish myself by restricting my food intake because someone else is disappointed with me or Im disappointed with myself. In my experience I really need to feel happier about myself and accepted by others in able to enjoy eating and feel relaxed about it. Your treatment is not helping you relax or feel good about yourself.
I think you really need to get someone on your side. I had a shrink who was able to see things from my point of view and it was good to have her on my side. I do think you need to find a therapist you are comfortable with who is willing and able to work with you long term. You obviously have problems in your family relationships (so do I and maybe so do most people with EDs). The Maudsley Approach can only work if the family dynamics function in a way that allows it and unfortunately it was a bad experience for you. Youve had enough bad experiences - you need something understanding and constructive. It might not be easy to find but how about suggesting some more comprehensive treatment plan next time youre back at the clinic.
I really hope too that you can avoid purging and find something you find "safe" to eat. You need all your strength and your mental powers to go ahead.
I'm meant to ring up and make an appointment for the one I missed last week, but I've been too scared too. But I'm terrified I've stopped losing weight, like my metabolism has come to a hault. I weigh exactly the same as yesterday and I ate only 22 calories plus diet soda! And I am terrified of feeling hunger, I don't want to binge again, and give in, I always give in and I am so sick and tired of it, I just have to stick to a 'healthy' diet, not the full of fat I always do! :'(
But I am thinking of ringing the psychiatrist today, because dad said I need to see them to get a referral for a day program starting in July one day is Anxiety Day Program and the other is Mood Disorders/Depression Day Program, Not sure which I would go to because I fit into both of them, or if I would go to both. But terrified of ringing them, but I think I will today.
In any case you do need support and the programmes you mentioned might well help you. It may seem frightening to join but youll find that the other participants are - well - other people with problems - some of them may be similar to you, others rather different, but all worthy of respect and help. I encourage you to seek out help and support and to allow yourself to eat.