hey guys-so one of my friends on the support group (not going to name names because she has not added me here, and i don't want to embarrass her) was very worried about me because she is a recovering bulemic and i had mentioned more than a few times on the group board that i was THINKING about purging aka throwing up.

so she IM'd me on dailystrength, and told me how worried she was. she gave me several numbers, and even contacted a therapist for me. she made me promise to call and at least try therapy once. i was very hesitant to do so because i had some nasty experiences with madison center. if you have been tagged in this note, and you want the details, e-mail me.

but i figured i could handle ONE time. the thing is, i wanna go by myself, if i do. i suspect my brother (who is now officially an army national guard military police officer! @)) will be less than sympathetic if he finds out any of this. and mom...well, i don't want to open that can of worms...

so anyway, i called this therapist my friend contacted, and she called me back today. she said her practice does not accept medicaid. however, she will be working with an intern who is an eating disorder specialist who could possibly work something out with me. the intern is supposed to start next week or the week after next. the doctor promised to pass my name and number to the specialist.

so....not so sure how i feel about that....... BUT anything is better than being stuck in my eating disorder for the rest of my earthly life.

today was an "ifey" day. i couldn't shower because my legs hurt so bad. (our tub is archaic and i have to kind of slide over it-which hurts like crazy! i NEED an apartment. then again, part of me thinks i'd stay sick if i lived on my own now.)

i met heather and emma (who is starting to talk now! YAY!) at town and country and we had lunch. we went to shirks, and i played this TO DIE FOR yamaha digital baby grand. someday, i WILL own a yamaha digital piano...i must! those things are the most beautiful pianos ever!

heather kinda drug me to the mall. she was like, "you gotta get something for your dad anyway, yada, yada..." i try my best not to go by myself because all the food and clothes made for the life-size barbies we call teenage girls are very triggering for me. to a sane person, this will probably sound really childish, but i start thinking that i will never be thin enough to fit into those pretty dresses...that i hate how none of the clothing stores INSIDE the mall tailor to bigger ladies. they have a lane bryant, but why should i have to go outside to shop? annoying.

so heather was looking at clothes, so i went to barnes and noble. i got my dad a movie for his bday. and i looked at that workbook maggie was raving about. ended up getting it, maggie. hope the DBT thing works as well for me as it has so far for you! keep your fingers crossed and say a littlle prayer! i also picked up "eating disorders for dummies". i plan to read it, and pass it on/reccomend it to friends so you guys can maybe get a better idea of what this is like. i also plan to write a post on DS when i'm done.

on a brighter note, i wanted to binge on blondie's cookies REALLY bad, but i didn't. and, I ATE ALL 3 MEALS TODAY!!!!!!!!!-fallon