Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I have been doing really well lately until today when I saw myself in a full length mirror at meditation class of all places, and did not like what I saw. Why is there a full length mirror at a Buddhist Zen Center? I felt ashamed and ugly and like all the progress I had made meant nothing. I wanted to restrict and binge both at the same time, anything to feel some control over my body image. I have a history of body dysmorphic disorder so I never really know how I look and if how I think I look is accurate, but until today's event, I've been keeping a positive self image and doing well with my meal plan. I don't keep mirrors in my home and I just got so shocked by my own appearance that it really threw me off. I'm trying hard not to spiral downward, but it's hard. I'm trying to focus on who I am as a person and all of my good qualities, but I just feel so ugly. I'll definitely be letting my therapist know about this....I just wish I was more resilient.
I try very hard not to focus on weight and body size because it never leads to a good place, and I work really hard at just following my meal plan and cultivating myself as a whole person, but I was not expecting to see my reflection today and it has just brought up issues I probably just need to work on in therapy.
I'm so glad that you didn't binge when you were upset. Big hugs. I hope that the next time you go to this class it will be better for you.
My therapist had me look in the mirror, just at my face, and find something I like about my appearance. The only thing I liked was the color of my eyes. So each day my homework was to look in the mirror and say "I have beautiful eyes". Of course this was preceded by "Yuck! I am so ugly!!!" After a while though I looked in the mirror and my first thought was "I have beautiful eyes" and then I remembered to say how ugly I was. Eventually the "ugly" statement went away and that is when I moved on to another area of my body. It's like exposure therapy for your appearance.
It seems to me that for all the hard work you are doing to make sure you recover from the ED it's a shame you are not also working on accepting and loving yourself - inside and out.
Ya know...I am going this week to have my license renewed and they need to take a new picture. They take them every 10 years now. My current license picture is of me when I was at my top weight. For much of the past 10 years I would keep my license backwards in my wallet so I didn't have to look at how "fat and ugly" I was. A few years ago I turned my license around and I began to really love the person in that picture. Today I took a picture of my license picture so I don't ever forget myself from that time (they destroy the old license when I get the new one). I look at that picture now and I feel so much love for her because I can see how much she was hurting. She was also very beautiful - triple chins and all. :-)
I have been resistant in therapy to looking in the mirror and focusing on a single body part that I like. My therapist has tried many times to get me to look in the mirror, even with him, but I have not been willing to do this because I am so scared of my own reactions. Maybe it's time I be more open to this.
Looking in a mirror doesn't have to be done daily. Maybe you need to start slower with once a week. There is no rush to get to the finish line but if you never start then you will never get to the finish line. I'd really hate for that to happen to you Sonny.