I had a really aweful day on Friday and over the weekend trying to help my friend who broke her back. I have a lot on my plate and no one to talk to so I decided to post tonight. I'll do my best not to trigger anyone.

On Friday I met with a new psychiatrist and due to a new computer system she had to ask me a ton of questions. I chose to be completely honest and expose behaviors I'm engaging in that I am ashamed of but need help with. She told me I am a mess and called my therapist in to ask if he knows what a mess I am and told him she wanted to commit me but didn't have enough for a solid case. She then told me my doctor might though and asked me to sign a release for them to talk. I was terrified but did anyway. Luckily her office was closed for Labor Day weekend I hoped.

My new therapist was nice, he said he was impressed I was even showing up for counseling knowing my past trauma with men and sees it as a breakthrough in itself. I expressed that I am not suicidal several times. But the psychiatrist insisted I am passively suicidal. Anyhow, I left terrified the cops would be at my door or they'd be calling my mom telling her everything I'd revealed. Luckily they did not, but I engaged in self-destructive behavior to numb out, sent my doc an email begging her not to let them commit me and then I quickly packed a bag and left to help my friend for the weekend.

When I got there I knew I had my hands full. She was in an aweful mood, told me she was going for drugs and I could drive her or go home. She was fed up with the pain and her meds weren't working. She however had taken too many and couldn't drive, and can't be left alone due to her broken back she can't do things. I, as I frequently do, felt pressured and then my own addictive mind kicked in and I drove her. To shorten this story up, she and I both OD'd, but I was with it enough to listen to her breathing and keep myself awake and call poison control when she was wheezing and showed other symptoms. Anyhow I forced her to wake up and stay awake and hid her pills. I hadn't slept in two nights cuz of anxiety so I was exhausted and she got angry and cussed me out and it was difficult to deal with her. She refused the emergency room and poison control gave me instructions on what to do. Long freaking night. I am so stupid.

Next day she wouldn't speak to me, was rude, ignored me. Gave me looks, and dove into her ED, binging and purging in front of me over and over again and I'd try to talk to her and she'd snap at me. I was not tolerating my protein shakes and it was obviously not easy to keep anything down. I was on edge all day Sat and Sunday because she was being so cold towards me. I wanted to leave but her son was camping and I was worried about her.

I finally slept last night and ate regardless of all her binge/purge behaviors. She did it in the kitchen right next to me even though I told her it was really difficult for me and triggering for me. She didn't care. It was so hard though. Long story short the docs are right, I am a mess and I am in no shape to help her right now. It sucks seeing her this way, I know its cuz of the pain, and stupid narcotic pain pills since she had been in recovery. I'm no good for her or myself. I'm a mess. And as my status says I just came home and wish I could just cry. Tomorrow I'll prob hear from the doctor to see if she agrees with the psychiatrist that I need to be committed.