I have found in the past that when I've thought it was a good idea to engage in ED behaviors, what I was really craving was control over my life...not sure if that makes sense.

Not sure what to think of a therapist who threatens to revoke help at a time when you would need it the most. ED's thrive in secrecy. If you don't trust your therapist, maybe reach out to NEDA - National Eating Disorders Association. They have tons of info and a confidential hotline as well as confidential chat.

Here's a link:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

I also agree that it’s strange for a therapist to threaten to stop treating you. Recovery is not linear - there are SO many ups and downs, some bigger than others. But when we get back up again, that’s when we grow. If you feel that this therapist is not helping, maybe it’s time to start looking into a new one. That’s perfectly okay!

You said you’re not sure if it’s a good thing that you’ve relapsed, and I get it, I’ve been there. Relapse is part of recovery. But you don’t deserve to live half a life, because that’s basically what life with ED is. You deserve a rich, full life.

I also agree with sonny ^ that part of relapse is wanting control. I have to look at it this way: the beginning of recovery is kind of a shit show. It’s training your brain to think in a whole different, healthy way. It’s confusion and worry and doubting all the time. But once we practice those healthy habits over and over again, picture how much control you’ll have over your life. You’ll have so much more room in your brain to learn and think of amazing things because your mind is not consumed with thoughts about your body/food/etc. You’ll be strong in more ways than one, independent, and hopefully joyful! But if you go back to ED, sure, you’ll be in control at first. You’ll be in control of food, exercise, your body...but in the long run? You lose control over SO many things like relationships, your career because it’s hard to think straight, your body eventually “betrays” you (actually, it’s just crying out for help), etc.

And one more thing about secrecy - it is SO HARD to give up, but it is so necessary. Last week, I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell my therapist some pretty heavy stuff that I’ve been holding on to for around 2 years. But I just thought “fuck it” and told her everything lol. I cannot even describe the relief I felt after getting that off my chest. This past week, I’ve felt better than I have in 2 years. Granted, I still have a TON of things to work on, but just the fact that she knows makes me feel so much less alone.

The fact that you were brave enough to share on here means that you have a desire to get better - and you deserve it! You can talk to me anytime. I’ll be praying for you.