(sorry, this is a little graphic, and probably belongs in my journal... but I just feel like sharing something tangible, measurable tonight)

So many years of focus on the flatness of my stomach. My life revolved around it. Flatness.

So many years of purging after eating huge amounts of food, stomach going from bulging and swollen down to flat and sunken again

So many years of sitting, with it all sucked in, not allowing myself to breathe properly

Of shrinking from my husband's touch if I had any food inside, for fear that my stomach was not flat

Of having to make up reasons for him to go out each night after dinner, go get me icecream, go get us a movie, take the garbage out... anything so that I can purge this dinner...

Now when he touches me, it's usually in the evening, and I've eaten 3 normal-human-type meals during the day, my stomach is relaxed, and rounded, healthy...

I still have that thought, oh, don't touch my stomach... I still have it, but it doesn't stop me anymore from enjoying his touch...

I tell myself, this man loves me, the softness of my skin, my hair, my clothes... he loves my snarky sense of humor, and the terrific, noisy, adventure I bring to his life, the searching, the reaching, the thinking, the prayer... (wow, I sound great...Even I'd like to marry me. ha.)

I think about my husband, and how simple it's always been to him. How free he's always been with his love. Whereas mine, my love, has always been conditional... depending on the flatness of my stomach...

Every week that goes by, that voice, that noise, my ED, it gets weaker. I'm not speaking in cliche here, and I'm not giving myself a pep-talk. I'm reporting. Documenting facts. It gets weaker, and I get stronger.

I have time again. I have time to focus on other people, instead of inward. I have time to write, and more importantly, SEND letters, and make up care packages, and sit around and drink coffee with my friends and laugh! I have friends! They can walk right on into my house any time of the day or night, and I don't freak out that the place isn't clean, who cares, it's time for coffee and talking and laughing and crying...celebrating... figuring it all out..

My stomach is not as flat and empty as it was before... But neither is my life...