I really wish someone could come and literally knock some sense into me. I am seriously relapsing right now. since I had my gum graft and can't eat some of my "usual" foods, I didn't replace them becasue i was not allowed ot work out for 2 days either. But one month later, I have not added any foods back in and I have been exerciseing more to "make up" but now far beyond that. I have lost weight. I had my body fat tested again and back into the single digits. But my muscles are so ripped, I love it, in a very distorted way. I know that my body building is not healthy... maybe if I completed and actully had an "off season". scared to increase calories, even back to where I was at. I don't know how to get myself out of this one. I have to work so hard each day to keep my calories from going down even more. Every time I go lower, it sets a new limit. I feel then that I am a failure if I exceed it. Same with my exercise, If I burn extra one day, it becomes the "norm" the next. I even know that for my working out, I have to eat. All this I know, so why can't I put it into action??? I hate myself for being like this. I really do need someone to just beat the crap out of me. But no one even says a word... b/c there is no one to say anything. My parents never comment and thank goodness my daughter is still too young to really "notice" that mom is screwed up. it also helps that it's winter and clothes hide what isn't there. My therapist knows nothing about ED and only wants to talk about my anxiety with whatever... I really just talk about work, issues with ex, my lack of support. All he says about my weight is that I would be pretty even IF I gained 10 lbs. Unfortunalty, where I live there are no ED specialists and he is the best one I have found.

Is this it? Is this the life that I am to live and how I am to exist? I have to admit that as bad as it is, it could be worse. The only positive about my eating is that I eat only the most healthy foods. My macronutrient ratios are spot on.. that's the only reason that I am "healthy". But I still know that eventually my body is going to say "enough". I just wish I could stop this madness in my mind before my body does fall apart. I'm sorry, I know that I am now just rambling.. this is what my mind does all day long. Any support/ advice/ butt kicking would be great. I really need it now.....................