Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

3,896 Members
20,112 Posts
0 Online
Mental Health
/ Eating Disorders Support Group

Parent of an adult restrictive eater

Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18

I am a parent of a young adult married daughter.


She suffers from restrictive eating disorder for the last 4 years.  She has been married only a year and only recently has she opened up to her husband.


Whether afraid, overwhelmed or in denial he was not as supportive as we would have liked.  He is very slowly coming around and hopefully family therapy in a few weeks will help.


Her counselor suggested taking a year off beginning grad school or else go to a residential treatment program.


Her husband reluctantly supported 5 week program thinking that is all it would take and she wont need followup. Grad school starts in 3 days. If she goes to grad school the schedule will not allow her to attend counseling and dietary visits.  If she delays grad school which her husband doesnt support she feels he will guilt her or hold a grudge or worse leave her.


Am I wrong in thinking he is not being the loving and supportive spouse that he took vows to be or just being a parent?


I don't think pressure is helping her heal.

Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
30 days not 3
sonnycamehome
sonnycamehome
It's very brave of your daughter to go to a residential treatment program, and that needs to be recognized by her husband. Battling an eating disorder is not easy, and reaching out for intensive help takes courage, so your daughter clearly wants help which is a good thing. Healing an eating disorder does not happen overnight, and those outpatient counseling appointments and dietary appointments can be crucial to a person's success once they leave an inpatient environment...that support is vital.

I hope that through family therapy your daughter's husband can come to see that your daughter's health is at stake right now. Getting healthy trumps everything else. Grad school will be there when she's stable and healthy...all she needs is a little time to focus on this issue, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
Thanks for your kind words. I feel she tells me more than she does her therapist. I dont think her therapist knows that she truly wants to delay grad school but her husband more or less gave an ultimatum. I am afraid if she doesn't put herself first and goes to grad school she will be sacrificing her health and will not be able to do follow up.her husband doesn't want to delay the future they had planned and so I am not sure he is all on on her treatment. I think her stay is pressured by all the thoughts of what she should be getting done to prepare for grad school because he leaves her with no choice. I just don't know where my huaband and my place is in this as far as interfering on her behalf. I think everything she is working on will come undone when she leaves residential.
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
I am contemplatjng on talking to her eating disorder counselor who referres her to residential tx. She did sign a release for me to be involved and I have been the one who has gone to her dietary and counselor visits with her due to her husband working out of town. My best friend and I were thr ones who drove her to be admitted. Her husband didnt take off of work but did have vacation later that week for a camping trip with his family. This disturbs me as well. My husband and I have told her when she gets out that she can move home so we can support her until he comes to his senses. He is holding her back from truly being 100% invested. What would you do on this situation?
sonnycamehome
sonnycamehome
Yes!!! I felt extremely vulnerable when I left an inpatient/residential treatment program, and quite scared to be on my own again. I Had done so well while I was inpatient with all of the daily groups and constant support, and leaving that was almost terrifying. Granted, I don't have the family support your daughter has in you and her father. Still, it's scary to leave intensive treatment programs, and I found my outpatient care crucial to my recovery and an important level of support that I needed in order to stay on track.

It may seem like your daughter is delaying future plans to her husband, but in reality, eating disorders are a disease, and he wouldn't be pressuring her if she were going into the hospital to get treatment for any other medical condition. I hope he can come to see that spending some time now on treatment, means a long and healthy future for the two of them.
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
I hope so too. Would ot be overstepping bounds for me to talk to her therapist? She feels they dont believe her when she says with grad school she couldn't do group or meet 3 times a week. Maybe not even one day week sometimes. Her schedule at school is 8 to 6 mom thru thurs and Fri is clinical all day. This is a real intense program that is 2.5 years in length with no summer off. When she confronts hubby for discussion on what she wants he either shuts down or argues. She has told me she has had fleeting suicidal thoughts on those 2 occasions which really scares me.
sonnycamehome
sonnycamehome
It makes sense that you're scared. It's so important that your daughter maintain as much autonomy as possible throughout the treatment process. She definitely needs to feel like she is part of the decision making process, but talking about suicide should never be taken lightly. I'm wondering if you could do a group session with the counselor so your daughter could feel involved, even if it makes her upset or angry? If she refuses, you may have to use your best judgement and decide if it's time to intervene on her behalf.
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
She is 3 to 4 hours away. She is tryobg2 to schedule a family therapy for August 18th. I don't know if she will open up in front of husband because she doesn't want argument. I think she is passive aggressive. She told me yesterday that the day before admit that her husband told her that he hoped she wouldn't get approved for stay. She did get approved for 2 weeks and then re evaluate. I am feeling she is holding back on treatment because of the disconnect with husband.
sonnycamehome
sonnycamehome
That's a really tough situation and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. You sound like a positive influence on your daughter and she is lucky to have you in her corner. I'm wondering if you and your daughter could do a phone/skype session with the therapist given the long distance? Would that be helpful?
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
I spoke with my daughter today and she said she had a real breakthrough today which is good. I think she is a little overwhelmed when seeing the struggles of others around her. She was almost sounding like she wanted to leave. I made sure to ask her questions like checking with therapist agreeing that she is okay to leave and or ready and how easy relapse would be if she leaves too soon. She is contemplating reaching out to the grad program head to see if she is able to make appointments within her grad program and avoid reverting back to negative eating habits. She has been there only 1 week and is realizing how hard it is and understanding it is a real issue. I told her first and foremost her health is the biggest priority right now.
Ugotthis18
Ugotthis18
She is leaning towards delaying grad school by one year. Who counswlor in program told her how critical and ahe would only have one week between being home from residential to grad school starting. Ahe and therapist are having a phone call with husband tomorrow during hia lunch break to advise of progress and continued treatment as well as grad school issue. Hopefully he will come around. I also emailed his mom who I get along well with am update and issue with grad school and setbacks. She may be able to talk things through with her son so he os more fully aware of what is going on. Prayers arr appreciated.