It's been some time since I logged on. This has mainly been a good thing, I've been doing well. I'm distracted by uni work. For the first time in years I'm experiencing pride because of my intelligence, and hard work. This time University is doing me a world of good - I have enrolled in University before, when I wasn't quite so stable, and my ridiculous levels of anxiety prevented me from even handing up one single assignment.

But anyway... Something happened about a week ago that has completely messed things up. I got a message out of nowhere, from a friend of my Mothers, saying she may have a modelling job for me if I'm interested. I said yes, and I've been in touch with everyone involved. It's happening tomorrow.

It's for a friend of the woman who contacted me. She owns a vintage bridal boutique AND a photography studio, and apparently for ages she has really wanted to photograph a pale woman with light red/strawberry blonde hair. Apparently she couldn't find anyone in the local modelling agencies.

I used to pose for my Mother, but it was just a hobby. And her work was arty. I also once did a shoot for a small retro store, but it was amateur, the photographer had never photographed people before and it was all extremely friendly and casual.

I sent the woman some pictures of myself and told her about having experience posing for hobby photographers. She enthusiastically arranged the whole thing. But it seems to have gotten bigger and bigger, and scarier and scarier. There's going to be the designer of the vintage style dresses present, a hair stylist, a makeup artist, a florist, a photographer AND someone to film it. And it all has to be done tomorrow because (eek!) after that the six dresses are being flown to New York for fashion week.

I'm terrified. Paralyzed with anxiety. They have never met me in person, I just sent them pictures. What if I'm too short? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I'm too big to fit in the wedding dresses? I didn't lie, and those pictures were of me, but somehow it feels like I am lying and falsely advertising myself.

Suffice it to see my eating habits have been crazy for this past week. And I still haven't lost any weight. I'm slim, yes, but hardly like a supermodel. I used to be so tiny and waif like. Maybe the woman recommended me because the image in her head was of what I looked like back when my ED was much worse.

I don't know... with logic and reason I know I'm not that much larger. Only a few kilos. I'm much more aware of it than anyone else. I'm the dress size the woman was asking for. But maybe she's expecting me to be six foot tall, and so that dress size would look much smaller?

I keep panicking and melting down about this, and no one really understands it. Just have fun, they keep saying. Feel excited and flattered. But I think anyone with an Eating Disorder must know the deep, paralyzing terror of the idea of someone judging you based entirely on your appearance. I don't know what I'll do, or how I'll feel if I get there tomorrow and they say "We're so sorry. You're just not quite right for this." I will not be able to believe that I'm just 'not right.' To me that will mean I'm too short, and too big, and not pretty enough. That feeling will linger for a long, long time. I'll never forget the embarrassment, the fact that I actually thought I was good enough and I presumed to waste everyone's time by turning up to something like this thinking I could be model.

I've been starving myself, and taking laxatives which have not been working at all, and telling myself that it's only because it's an emergency - this isn't actually me any more. But these days my weight just will not shift. I used to be able to lose kilos in a week. Now nothing. It's been making me extremely miserable. My boyfriend doesn't really understand. He thinks I'm overreacting and being extremely dramatic about it all. He even said that I should be more anxious about uni. I wish I could choose like that.

But as it is I'm extremely worried, down to my bones, about what will happen tomorrow. I can't just cancel, it's too late now anyway, and also I know I do actually really want this. I keep having nightmares that I don't make it there and miss the opportunity. But that doesn't make it easy.