Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I am reaching a point in my life where I have come to realize that I can never be healthy. I'll always either be fat and happy with myself, or anorexic and have the approval of everyone in my life. I say "fat and happy" because, strange as it sounds, I've come to realize that I AM more comfortable with myself when I'm overweight. Even though I realize that a morbid excess of weight is unhealthy and I'm not encouraging people to be overweight, every single time I've been overweight in my life, I've at least known who the hell I am. When I've lost weight, it's been to such an extent each time that I've become too weak and sick to function correctly. The last time this happened, I was living on fewer than 400 calories a day and exercising with a broken ankle. I could barely stand on my own. Wounds wouldn't heal. I couldn't think straight. But I was thin, and that is all anyone else cared about. Everyone treated me like I was suddenly "better" than I had been before, which was bullshit. Nobody becomes a better person from losing weight. Or gaining it. Or whatever. Because my BMI was in the normal range, doctors didn't care. They said I was fine and treated me like wannabe BFFs, even though they'd barely given me the time of day when I was 250 lbs. Everyone kept encouraging me, calling me an inspiration. Yeah, an inspiration... I was ready to keel over.
These days, I'm not 250 lbs, but I'm certainly not thin either. I would like to take up exercise again for the sake of good health, but I'm terrified I'll revert back to being addicted to it. I refuse to live like that ever again. Not for your approval. Not for a doctor's. Not for anyone's. In all my life, I've either been extremely skinny or very overweight. There's never been an in between. And I don't know how to create one. I'd like to be at whatever weight is healthy for me personally while maintaining the identity and sense of self that I have when I'm fat, but I don't know how to do that. All I know is that from 2014-2016, I lost a major part of myself due to starvation and exercise addiction that I am slowly getting back. I don't know how to live a happy, healthy medium. Does anyone?
