I know that “sick enough” is a myth that ED has created in order to keep me stuck in my eating disorder...but it’s so hard not to believe that it’s true. I feel like I’ve never been “sick enough.” I’ve been at my lowest weight 2 separate times, but each time, it was never a problem for me to gain again on my own. However, once I did gain, I hated myself all over again. I feel like once I’m finally “sick enough” and recover from that, then I can fully live. Isn’t that so irrational? But that’s what my eating disorder is telling me. It wants me to try one more time. To lose weight and have a doctor tell me to go to residential or PHP. To have someone give me permission to eat. To have to be fed through a tube. To lose my period. To see my bones. And I believe it! That’s the frustrating part. I’ll believe that part of my brain and say “here we go again” and I’ll starve for a few weeks. And then in comes my rational brain very “inconveniently” and I’m like...wait - I’m hungry and I’m human and I need food! And I binge. And then I hate myself all over again. I feel like either I need to do the stupid thing and fully commit to being “sick enough” or fully commit to recovery. I’m also worried about this...once I’m “sick enough” people will think I’m healthy. Like last time I was sick. They praised me, said “what’s your secret?” to losing weight, my parents were finally proud of me. And then I’ll just be stuck again. So I think about all of this and then my depression kicks in and I’m like “why don’t I just throw in the towel?” 

Has anyone ever had similar thoughts before or currently? I know what I need to do - I need to recover. But it’s just SO HARD. ED is so unbelievably convincing. Literally like the snake in the Garden of Eden lol.