Dear Libbylaz4,
This is such a rough disorder because on the one hand you can't get mad at her for stopping the b/p cycle. In fact, it's really hard to end that cycle and so the fact that she stopped it is a big deal!! The problem is, she's replaced it with the gym. You say she is doing sensible workouts, but you are concerned about weight loss.

Some questions to consider:
1) Are you able to separate your concerns based on past traumas from the reality?
2) Does she have a therapist that you can talk to about your concerns? This can help avoid arguments with her but meanwhile address the issue.
3) Is there a way you can tell her how proud you are that she has stopped the cycle of b/ping and that you just want to make sure she is not switching it up? And leave it there? In order to do this, you will almost have to rehears this line like it's a play and you are acting. I know as her mother that's hard because you have feelings. But by saying this, it's sort of giving her permission to trust you and open up to you more.

- Wendy (I've had eating disorders for 20 years)

Hello! I'm a 27-year-old recovering ED gal here offering my help. I was a major restricter/exerciser, but I will do what I can to help.
1)Most importantly my heart and thoughts are with your whole family--this is all so, so, so tough!!
2) I would strongly recommend that you say NOTHING about her weight, because even thinking about it at all can trigger the ED. Instead, focus on the good HABITS ("I'm so proud of your food choices today" "I am so happy because I can see that your attitude about your body is becoming more loving toward yourself").
3) If you do say something about her appearance, say something non-size related, like "You look beautiful"
Wishing you all the best <3

Thank you both very very much for your replies. It is very helpful to have the support. Although it really is all about her, it's also about me wanting to be part of the solution not the problem. So what I can't tell you if you are interested is that her ED behaviour started early around 11 but but didn't take a firm grip until 18 after being crushed between two cars and almost losing her leg. There there were four or five major traumas in rapid succession. That pushed her over the edge. It's a miracle that through therapy she has now deal with ALL the trauma. But she has last 4 years to this thus far. On the bright side she has made it through the first year of uni! After two other attempts, has bought her first property as an investment so will have a little security and she clearly wants her life to resume. I am firmly convinced she does not want to lose weight but is terrified of gaining and is kind of stuck. She has been fully discharged from the eating disorder service two weeks ago and inpatient and all that actually almost killed her as it had the reverse effect. I would say her case of this was severe. We have had 42 hospital admissions for cardiac and organ issues and potassium and three inpatient stints etc anyway I guess we have come a long way baby! What scares the crap out of me is any memory of all the times she almost died. This is a better place than before and I would say she is 65 to 70 percent improved. But there is that 30 to 35 percent that does not have this figured out. Anyway she asked me last night to eat meals with her so I gladly will. Thanks for any help I want nothing more than to get this right. God bless all of you lovely ED warriors. You give me great hope

Oh and Ekihimimi we did have a discussion last night and she said EXACTLY what you told me that any talk of weight etc is still very triggering. So I will nip this immediately. I'm sorry all this is so long etc but can anyone tell me what recovery might start off looking like?? Mentally I am convinced she is in a far better place but physically.... A long way to go. I have a little chronic fear that I don't want her to get stuck like this

WOW--I see so many similarities to my own story here. I have also almost died (at 14) and have some very serious illnesses--and that is a HUGE part of my recovery. How do I learn to love my body when it causes me SO MUCH PAIN? I would really encourage you to talk to your daughter about that aspect, because it is so often ignored by formal treatment programs. I would also encourage you to be open with your daughter about your own fears (that you have seen her almost die, etc). One other thing I thought of, just in case no one has said it yet, make sure the way you talk about your OWN body is totally positive! :) When I was trying to recover, my mom would be really positive about my body, but would turn around and say she looked fat and ugly, which just reinforced in my head that fat=bad.

ANYWAY, to your question "what does recovery look like?"
1) For me, and many recovery warriors, it is a constant struggle not to fall back into dark patterns. I don't think we are ever truly "over it." I read one study that found that ED folks get an actual "high" from the control of an ED and we are like addicts. It definitely rang true to me. BUT WE CAN FIGHT IT, so don't give up
2) The beginning of recovery for me was an awakening. It started by a tiny soft voice in my head that eventually became a roar that crashed through all the lies I had built my ED-life around: "you are worth more that what you have done to yourself. You are not a worth more as a human being if you weigh less. Your life will not be better if you control your food and your size" For me, this voice started when I began to read about the wide-spread lies about fatness in our culture (for example, in virtually all studies that say people who are fat have XYZ more illness, the study doesn't control for diet or exercise. When you control for diet and exercise, there is no higher incidence of XYZ illness in fat people--so its about habits, not size). For other people, this awakening might come from counseling, religion, family, friends, the stars, or somewhere else.
3) After my thoughts changed, then my words and actions changed. I was no longer judging every item of food that passed through my (and everyone else's) lips, I just ate food. It was wonderful. I no longer exercised for the purpose of burning X number of calories. I went for a walk to enjoy nature. I went swimming with friends. I did self-defense to feel like a bada**.
NOTE: Guess what? When a gal is recovering from an ED, she will probably gain some weight!!! I am a bigger type of person and at my most restrictive, I was "only" a size 6, so when I gained weight, people were TERRIBLE to me! Even those close to me who knew I was struggling didn't believe I had an ED because I "wasn't skinny enough." Their behavior definitely set me back a lllloooonnggg way because it entrenched the idea that I was worth more to people when I was thin

I don't know what size your daughter is, but be ready: no matter what size she is people WILL make comments that she looked better at a smaller size and it will be triggering. It may be a good idea to talk about it now and how to handle that.

SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!!!!

You are an angel to send me that message. Sometime I feel like I have nowhere to turn anymore. Everyone I know is either "over it" or they don't understand. My daughter is a uk size 6 or 8. But it's clear she is underweight. She has almost died at very very low weight with cardiac and potassium issues and we have even made 3 trips to resuscitation. Where they literally saved her on the spot. With central lines in to her groin etc. Anyway it's complex. She thinks I am obese. I am a big girl but I am not that fat! She thinks her dad is obese. He is 6''4 and a big guy. She has always been the smallest of all four of my children. She told me when she was only 7, don't worry mom, your arms are thin. So she noticed shapes and sizes early in life. She had one bad school experience where there were some bullies and this made her feel so bad about herself. But the traumas were far worse. Right now she doesn't have structure because it's two years until school starts. Last night I found an empty box of laxatives in her room. I am so DOWN ABOUT IT. Help me please

Oh and ekhmimi, I am so sorry to hear you have to struggle with health problems. We can totally empathise and it just makes things seem even more difficult. ❤️❤️❤️

Hello again--yikes--so much heartbreak for all of you!! Well, the American Pediatric Association just released a study that showed that ANY weight-talk is bad for teens and can lead to eating disorders, so I'd recommend that you make a ban on weight talk in your house--even if it is what she says about you and your husband! Her thinking about other people being obese (especially if she is still thinking that is a bad thing) is definitely going to make her ED worse, according to the A.P.A.

Anyway, I thought of another thing this morning that might help. When I have a "bad day" of wanting to relapse, I focus on all the things I want for my life and how I will NOT be able to achieve that if I ED (not in a morbid-I-will-die-way, but in a ED-takes-so-much-time-and-energy-obsessing-way). For example, I'm studying to be a lawyer and I know that I would not be able to pass exams if I was constantly dizzy and sick from not eating, because these exams are so much harder than the ones I somehow managed to sort through in earlier years. Perhaps asking her about her goals and dreams and asking her about all the work it will take to manage them will give her a good reason to stay healthy for herself.

Because that's really the key--she has to find a reason to be healthy for her. Once she does that, you won't have to worry about finding pills in her room or her purging again. <3