iWant to be free!!!!

hi peoples-so since myspace is being stupid, i'm posting here. here i go again, back to square one.i had lunch at martin's deli yesterday-a whole chicken ceaser panini, a bag of sour cream and onion chips, and a pepsi.for some bizarre reason, i couldn't bring myself to throw out the rest of the chips. i have no idea why i couldn't do it. i tried to, but when all was said and done i had scarfed them all. i went to the mall yesterday by myself. never a good idea.yesterday was the first time i was out in a couple weeks. i went to the mall so i could buy ratatouille because i keep ordering versions i can't use. the first time i ordered the blu-ray version. and somehow, i ended up with a version in spanish! i have NO IDEA how that happened.

so anyway, i went to the disney store, and they were all out of ratatouille. bummer. so i was really stressing over some family issues recently. and then, i ran across this delicious looking FUDGE BAR. (why the hell is a fudge bar even IN the mall?!!!!!!) and it was insanly expensive,but i bought A POUND AND A HALF of fudge. and then, i spent almost all my bus money on an order of motzorella sticks from mak's great chicago food. i headed to barnes and noble to check out that book cassie told me about iWant (err go my title!) thanks for that cass. i only read that one chapter, but it helped. i felt like a hypocrite though. because while i was reading about jane valez-mitchell's struggle with food addiction, i was stuffing my fat face with those motzorella sticks. ironic and disgusting, isn't it? the motzorella sticks, by the way, ended up triggering my LOVELY dairy allergy. (i'm not allergic to all dairy products, just some. most cheeses i handle fine, but not this.) it serves me right for bingeing anyway.

the online OA meetings have ceased to interest me. this is probably because the group i am a part of is set up like a forum thing.i haven't really connected with anyone there. all messeges to the group and in the group meetings have to be approved by the admin. i think this is assinine because the group is FOR PEOPLE IN OA AND OTHER FOOD ADDICTS. what's the point of approving posts if everybody is already there because they want to get well? it would probably help me more if i just did a chat room meeting thing. but to do that, i need java. my computer does not have enough memory to download java. i should probably just swallow all my pride and go to a face to face meeting. but i am scared to be honest. somehow, it has always been easier for me to write my emotions versus talk about them. so since yesterday, i have been sick off and on between my dairy allergy and post binge cramps and junk. i've alternated between feelings of "oh my god, i could throw up any minute." and "why the hell does it feel like hercules is punching me in the stomach?"

granted, about half of this is because i am genuinely sick. but then again, i wouldn't have bought those disgusting allergy-inducing motzorella sticks had i posessed the self-control to stop eating. see how nasty all this is? it really is a vicious cycle!

by the way, i just wanted to let everybody know that......I HAVE THE BEST BOY FRIEND IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!

really dana, i couldn't possibly pick myself up again after a day like yesterday without your encoragement every day. i adore you, darling. thank you all for caring enough to read these and pray for me and leave all your sweet, straight from the heart, comments. i love you all and appreciate your friendship more than you will ever know.-fallon