Yes. I relate 110%. I can't look at pictures of people with severe eating disorders without feeling awful about myself. I heard a story about someone on TV who had an ED and about how she didn't eat a certain food during the depths of her ED that was one of my "safe" foods and I felt bad about myself. I saw her pics and was jealous.
It sucks. It's addictive... It makes no sense, and yet it makes all the sense in the world.
I'm in remission right now. I restrict very little and what not. But I still get upset when people say things like, "I need to go on a diet" when they're very thin. It makes me feel like a monster.

I’m glad I’m not the only one! I absolutely relate to everything you just said. Whenever I see someone in worse conditions, I think the same thing, but I also think of myself as selfish in a weird way. Like, I’m in a better state than them but I don’t deserve it...so I just harm myself more.

Yes, I can totally relate. I c pics of myself when I was so skinny and even tho I've been in recovery 4 about 4 months I want to be skinny again so very much.

When struggling with an ED there are so many different thoughts and emotions that go along with it. They are different for each one of us. Stories from others who are struggling in the same area as we are can either inspire us or spin us into a downward spiral. Obviously, when we are thinking we should harm ourselves more, that is not healthy thinking. I would have to start questioning why do I feel the need to punish myself more? Is it that i feel I deserve it? Am I hoping that if I get worse, others will notice me? What is driving me to want to get worse instead of better? Those are some tough questions to consider! If it is because you feel that you deserve to be punished by yourself, I want you to know that you don't deserve it. You are so full of value and dignity. You have a purpose in this world. I wish you could see that! Punishing ourselves, is not the answer. It will never make the pain inside go away. It will never bring hope, peace, or joy. Choosing self-harm, whether by an eating disorder, cutting etc will only bring more shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression. We will continue to spiral into the black hole of despair. Are you seeing a therapist at all? If not, I would highly recommend it. They will help you understand why you have the feelings and thoughts you do and will help you learn to cope in healthier ways. Therapy was the #1 thing that helped me on the recovery journey. You deserve so much more! Wishing you the best!

On my road to recovery, after anorexia nervosa, my therapist explained to me that having an ED is addiction. Only unlike recovery from addictions to things like drugs, when you recover from an ED you get the luxury of being able to remove the source of the addiction out of your life - Because it is food!

For some reason, this helped with how I categorized the problem, and enabled me to tackle it from more of a medical perspective.

All during my recovery, relapses, and final recovery I was triggered very easily by other anorexic people, and I had to remind myself many many many times (often several times a day) why I wanted to get better (especially when Anorexia tried to make the decisions for me).

Even now years and years down the line I can be triggered, but anorexia doesn't rule my life any more, and hasn't for many years.

Anyway, what I am saying is that once you've had an eating disorder, the ability to be triggered will always be there, and the trick is to be aware of your triggers, and to learn how to not let them win (I was taught some CBT techniques to help with this).

I relate so much! How have you been since April? Has the desire to get worse resolved itself. Remember that your bottom is when you decide to stop digging.

I relate to the almost glamourous idea of having survived after being on the brink. Looking back, it is harder to think why and I know I thought it was crazy at the time but it didn't matter. These thoughts are so overpowering. It helps me to think of my eating disorder as the one speaking these thoughts to me. If a friend told you to get worse you may well resent them or think they are trying reverse psychology. Listen to your own voice of reason if you haven't already.

About a year into my first recovery attempt with professional help and I'm feeling this way too. I started reading a memoir written by an actress who struggled with EDs and it was triggering, not helpful like I hoped. I read her low weights and though to myself 'you were never that small that's why no one forced you to get help sooner' and 'maybe I didn't have a real problem because I never restricted that much'. I know these are irrational thoughts and I'm trying to push them out, but it's been tough. I'm already embarrassed by old photos when I was at my sickest so I don't know why it's tempting to want to be even sicker. I've stopped reading the memoir. I do appreciate her openness but it's so triggering.