I'm 20 years old, and I'm a sophomore in college. I've always struggled with body image, ever since I was a little kid; I remember being in fourth grade and asking my sister if she thought I was fat. I became bulemic and very restrictive when I was in eighth grade, and it continued on and off throughout high school. When I went away to college, I was in a slightly better place; though I was restrictive in my diet and exercised a lot, I wasn't throwing up anymore, at least for my first semester. Second semester, a lot of stuff happened, with guys and friends, and something in me snapped. I became obsessive about eating and probably ate 600 calories per day; I lost 25 pounds in two and a half months, and I was lean to begin with. I ended up having to go to the hospital because of what we suspect was kidney failure. My parents made me go into treatment, and I've gained back a lot of the weight that I lost second semester last year. 

Even though I know that I'm healthier now than I was before, I want more than anything to be as skinny as I was when I went to the hospital. I loved the way I looked, and I finally wasn't embarrassed about wearing anything or being too fat to wear something or worrying about someone calling me fat or making a comment about me gaining weight. People complimented me on how my legs looked, and I finally felt like I could compare to models or TV stars or something like that. I absolutely loved it and I miss it so much and every day I wish I could go back to it, and I'll start not eating nearly enough for a few days and look up exercise plans and diet plans and ways to stick to starvation diets and things like that, but I can never end up doing it because my will crumbles when I end up getting too hungry, and then I get into a binging and purging cycle for a few days. Then I'll feel horrible about myself and start not eating again, and the cycle continues. I want so so so badly to be skinny again but now that I'm back at school another part of me is scared I'm going to be successful and be right back where I was last year..I have no idea what to do and I know I need help but I don't really have the resources to do that at school and I just don't know what to do. My parents are kind of supportive but they don't really understand and they yell and scream at me a lot about it and tell me how I'm ruining my life and threaten me all the time if I don't get better. I don't really have anywhere to turn and I just want to be accepted and feel pretty and happy and the only way I've ever felt like that is when I was really skinny and I just don't know how to deal with everything