Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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VolatileVacuum 04/27/2013

I can't stop binging and restricting no matter how hard I try. My therapist tells me every session that it's only going to make things worse, that it will make me gain weight, but even that won't stop me.

I hate literally everything about myself. All I see is this disgusting...blob and I want so badly to run away from myself. But, obviously, I can't.

I hate food. I hate myself for using food as a crutch my whole life. I hate the fact that I HAVE to eat.

It's weird to say, but food is driving me to suicide. Every time I eat anything I get so angry that I just want to end it.
I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop. I don't know what to do.

loralp 04/27/2013

oh my sweet darling! i wish i could juust hold you and tell you everything will be fine! i know its hard right now, even seems impossible, but you are at the hardest part right now and there is nowhere to go but up. there is hope even if seems theres not. i dont know how upfront you are with your therapist or how long you have been with her/him but please dont take the easy, and permenant way out! try and find just one good, beautiful, positive thing a day and just.......take it one day at a time, one step at a time. at the end of everyday tell yourself, ok, i did it one more day. i can do one more day. good luck and much love to you

deleted_user 05/01/2013

I agree with Loralp. I have been through so much in the past year that I have found myself just standing in the shower crying at the wall. I haven't found a therapist and because of the nature of my situation I am not at liberty to share with my friends so have found myself very isolated. I have had issues with food all of my life and know how it becomes my default when life happens.
I keep thinking I have reached the end then the next day happens. One day last week, it hit me that I need to take something small and focus on that-whether it is the smell of grass or a blossom on a tree. I need to seek beauty where ever I can find it. I need to do something small every day-sit in the sun for five minutes, hug a dog, etc. I also need to make myself find 5 positive things every day. When I am in the pit this is a hard one. Today it was a warm shower, that my nose isn't too large, that I have two legs, I have a bed to sleep in, and a car to drive.
I know from experience that the climb back up the hill is hard work but I am glad that I keep climbing.
So, as I said at the beginning, I agree with Loralp. Find one small thing to focus on. Find something small you can work on-do you like to read? To work with your hands? Go get some colored clay and make things, read a nothing book that can be a distraction, grab a ball of yarn and learn to crochet a hat. Take a walk.
Also know this, you are not alone.

deleted_user 05/01/2013

PS
You look so young and adorable with a whole lot going for you!!

deleted_user 05/02/2013

I know what you mean. The more I try to control it, the harder it is to control! I'm starting to think that may be the secret to it all.
And though I wouldn't know, they do always say that the absolute secret to a healthy body is to love yourself. It's like they've hidden all the solutions in mental health!

Hang in there, girl! We're all here for you.

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