Hi Emmaneedshelp, I can relate to u about my body feels so wrong, very wrong 4 the weight I'm at which according to the research I've done. It says I'm a little over maximum wt. 4 my height and frame. When I use to weight this much I was much thinner and toned. Yes maybe I was only in my early 40's but I looked like a very healthy thin which I was very happy with. I'm now 58 and disabled. But I stay as active as possible w/o injuring myself. Even tho I'm 58 I feel that I'm still young enuf to not be this fat. For my weight, my thighs, stomach and boobs r ginormous and my face looks bloated and ugly to me, no exaggeration My boobs r the size of when I was 145 lbs or more. When I was last 115 lbs they were so small, I didn't need a bra. I wish I had stopped at 115 lbs and maintained. I had lost the extra wt totally naturally. I truly did not mean to drop any more wt. But after I became disabled permanently I lost my appetite more and more for a while. Then I liked being even skinnier and soon started using laxatives to maintain and even lose more wt. Then My laxative use turned into extreme abuse of laxatives(30 to 45) per day unless I was sick to my stomach and then I would reduce the amount drastically and of course became extremely constipated. Anyway, I'm now back to about 115 to 117 lbs. The most I should weight is 114. Recovering from this disease of E.D. is the absolutely hardest thing I've ever had to go thru in my entire life. It's like an emotional roller coaster and physically very challenging. I totally hate how I look in mirror especially naked. I do my very best to avoid mirrors cuz it sends me into an episode of crying, sometimes uncontrollably and I just want to go backwards. But I've done enuf research on Pinterest and google to make me not want to stop going forward.
If u r not in therapy, I highly suggest it.
I'm sure u look great. Your face is absolutely beautiful. I will be praying 4 u. God Bless u Big Time!!!

Thank you so much!!! I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling like this. I totally understand how you are feeling and it's not a fun place to be! I know how easy it is to find our self worth and value in how much we weigh and how we look. I understand the battle of "if I just weighed less, everything would be ok. I"ll be ok." I've been there. I know the feelings of shame and guilt and feeling like a failure, of wanting to be someone else! I've been down this road...and I've learned a lot!
I want you to know that you are good enough! You are so much more then the number on the scale! Those thoughts and "voices" in your head that tell you you are not good enough, that you need to lose just a bit more, that tell you you are fat (insert any other thought here) They are all lies! Lies that are going to destroy you on so many levels. You are beautiful just the way you are. You have value just for who you are! No matter how much weight you lose, it won't stop the voices/thoughts. They will tell you that it is still not good enough and you need to do more. That "perfect weight" will always be out of reach because the lies will just continue! You do have the power to address and stop listening to those negative words. You do have the strength to turn them around. It is not going to easy. It will take a whole lot of work, but you are so worth the investment! I know the world tells us we need to be skinny and beautiful to be accepted...to be worthy. That's a lot of pressure. But beauty is not everything. It will eventually fade away. Beauty/skinniness will never bring you peace, joy and contentment. If you are not seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend seeing one. It was the hardest but best decision I could have ever made for myself. It doesn't have to be this way forever. Recovery is possible. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for you!

Thank you very much.

Omg girl.
You don’t realize how beautiful you must be in your new body. Believe it or not we don’t see ourselves the way others do. Being such a low weight doesn’t support our bodys natural functioning. I keep telling myself I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Why am I so fixated on numbers and measuring crap?!? I been letting loose more and it feels so much better. But I hear you on thinking about calories and food all the time. I try to distract myself any chance I get by reading or playing candy crush. Or even putting on a movie. Try anything. Don’t give up. Remember what you see isn’t what others see. :)

There with you hun- that's where i am right now. Is it possible to do some moderate exercise or something that always makes me feel more comfortable with my body. Feel like i am strong and have achieved something. Do you enjoy any particular sports?

I do know, as we all probably do, that AN is not just about 'weight'. It really is not about weight or food, though those things are the targets. Gaining the weight is only the 'tip of the iceberg'. There is so much more repair and healing that is necessary for a comprehensive recovery. We each have intrinsic value that goes deeper than our physical bodies. Our bodies are beautiful too. I can identify with feeling 'empty'. What are your interests? This is a very general question, Another friend asked you about sports. You can figure sports as well as academics and all life topics. Do you like to work with animals? I am trying to rediscover 'myself' and my true skills and talents. Perhaps, this may be a life long endeavor, especially for people in our situation. I still have a long way to go in this 'recovery' process. I send a HUG of renewed hope.