Hope13, so sorry you're hurting. I too have a very rough relationship with my mom. The point where I stop talking for her for long lengths of time - no father. My heart rate, anxiety and blood pressure rise just thinking about her. She ruined the end of Christmas last night too. I also struggle everyday with the mirror issue :(

Journaling is so helpful and talking it out, if you can, is great too. Liberate those inner thoughts and feelings! You have every right and how you feel is valid. I'm glad you want to find ways that are healthy for you and that no long hurt you.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Often around my family I feel very much the same. I think it's great that you have recognized that you no longer want to do things that hurt you physically, spiritually, and emotionally...that you are ready to use healthier coping skills. That's a huge step and you should be really proud of yourself!

I very much can relate to dealing with mirror issues also. It's not easy, but you are making progress just by coming here and writing about your feelings.

Thank you both! It just feels good to not be alone with my struggles. I'm sorry that both of y'all are hurting as well. I used to have an eating disorder recovery app on my phone, but it seemed like the more I focused on the app, the more I restricted my food. I probably just need to journal my feelings and forget about writing down what I eat.

You are definitely not alone!

I think focusing on your thoughts and feelings vs food is a great idea :)

I'm so sorry, family is so stressful to begin w not to mention the holidays. I too will never like what I see in the mirror. There will never be a thin enough unless I'm dead. That's what the ED wants. I truly believe EDs are an addiction. I've dealt w alcohol and drug addiction and got clean and sober but can't recover from the ED. I'd rather get sober again ten times over than have to try ED recovery. Point I'm trying to make is it is exceedingly hard and I hope you are able to give yourself credit for he terrible disease we are battling. We are in this together :) good job posting and reaching out for support and not letting the ED isolate you even further! Hang in there.

Thank you! I'm sorry you are struggling too. I completely agree that EDs are addictions. I crave having an empty stomach and crave that feeling of hunger I get when I don't eat. It's literally a sense of high and accomplishment. We are all in this together! :) I will not let my ED isolate me!

For me, that feeling of hunger and thinness was simply a feeling. Yes it was a high, but since I wasn't allowing myself to feel my real feelings, feeling my body was at least something. Its similar to cutting. People cut because their feelings can't be felt but because they want to feel something. The emotional feeling gets replaced by a physical feeling. That is what extreme fullness or extreme hunger provided for me....a physical feeling that replaced my emotional feeling. With the added bonus of making all those emotional feelings go deeper and deeper so I couldn't feel them at all

That makes sense, I never thought of it in that way. Thank you for sharing that

I second that- Lucky, ive never thought of self injury of starvation/fullness as being physical ways to feel an emotion. I know I cut to feel or as a way I translate what I feel into something concrete but hadn't considered the physical body sensation of thinness as a similar concept. Thanks for sharing that.

Hope- things any better?

Yes, things are better because I'm back in my apartment and not at my parents' house anymore. Thank you for asking. I'm currently trying to emotionally get back to a healthy place before I have to go back to work tomorrow.