Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Hey I'm Danielle and I've been suffering from bulimia since I was in middle school. I am currently 21 and going to school and living on my own and the intense pressure for me to figure out what I want to do as a career and find a job has only made my disorder escalate and become so much worse. My drinking has become out of control (I'm in a sorority so that doesn't help) and it only encourages my binges. The guilt and shame I feel after getting drunk and eating a lot is disgusting. I've been using adderrall almost daily just to suppress my eating and to give myself energy to go work out. Food has literally taken over my life. Once I got to the point where I was binging multiple times a day encouragement from my bf and my mom led me to go seek therapy. However I found this really difficult. I usually am not very comfortable talking about myself and I found some of the things the therapists suggested like breathing exersices as silly and not really helpful. After trying 3 different therapists I just stopped going but since then I have lied to my boyfriend and others that I still go and that I have stopped bingeing. I seriously am lost and don't know what to do. I am going to continue to try therapy again but I can't see myself not relapsing this disorder has literally taken over my life. I guess I am seeking some motivation to get better and hear some people's positive stories for some inspiration. Like I want to get better but I know I need to be willing to get better and I find this very hard sometimes.
I totally get where you're coming from (we likely all do) when you talk about the struggle between wanting to get better and being willing to get better. It's very hard to bridge the chasm between the two. Every ounce of my logical side wants to get rid of the ED but the damaged, addicted side of me wants to hold on to it. I also have bulimia and have had it for many years. It's an incredibly hard addiction to break, that's for sure. As with you, I cross-addicted over the years with many things - alcohol, drugs (in my younger days;), etc. It's very common for people with EDs to do that so don't feel alone or bad - just be aware that it is part of the emotional illness that you need to recover from. What I can tell you from the recovery that I have gone through (not totally cured, by any means but I am a lot healthier than I used to be:) is that you have to be willing to put yourself in a place of discomfort in order to get better. You mentioned feeling uncomfortable or silly with some of the aspects of therapy. Unfortunately, that is part of the process to getting better. I felt the exact same way when I started counselling. But it really does get less uncomfortable if you go into it with an open mind and a total willingness to try and heal yourself. Your issues with addiction are caused not by a defect in you as a person but likely due to some emotional trauma that you have sustained in your life. It's a coping mechanism. Therapy can teach you different ways to cope with the emotions that currently you are using alcohol and bulimia to deal with. You deserve that for yourself. Really think hard about giving it another try.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
HUGS
Jen
For me I have found that recovery on my own is not possible, building a community to support me and share with me in my journey has been absolutely necessary. The next essential is to be completely honest, about everything - to do this we must find safe people who can listen to us and provide healthy feedback and guidance during our struggles. I can relate to struggling with drinking, as well. For many years, I drank normally, but my disease progressed and today if I am to stay abstinent, I must stay sober as well. The adderrall is probably contributing to your anxiety, as well, unfortunately. I would recommend getting honest with your mom and boyfriend, I know this sounds frightening, but if you keep this a secret... your disease wins. I hope you find the hope you are looking for, recovery is possible. I believe in you!