Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I had a complete break down yesterday. I dont know where it came from. I don't know what my real feelings are anymore. It feels like the last 6 months has been a lie. I've managed to convince everyone around me that I'm doing well, even to myself at times, and yesterday I just cracked. I feel so alone right now.
How can I tell what was real? Was I just masking all these feelings again or was I really doing ok this time? I spent 5 hours on the bathroom floor crying last night just going over and over what had happened. Slowly things started to make a bit of sense.
I posted the other day about contacting my therapist and on another forum, I was asked why on earth I would want to do this. But when I thought about it, I didn't really have a clue. I just knew I needed to contact him. Even if it was to spin him another load of "I'm doing well on my own" crap. I just needed the contact.
It wasn't until my reflections on the bathroom floor last night that I think I realised why. For the past 6 months I've been telling everyone how well I'm doing, that I want to move on with my life ect ect. But underneath, I knew things wern't right. But I carried on. I did the whole 'positive thinking' thing. People have said if you really believe in it, you'll get better. I say bollocks to that now because bloody hell I tried! And yet again I'm back here in this dark place, only this time, I have no one to guide me back out. I wanted contact with my therapist because I knew that he was the only one who actually 'KNEW' what goes on in my head at times. I've never been able to be as open as I was with him.
So yeah. I thought about so many other things last night and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to find reasons to stay on this earth and keep going, but I'm just coming with more reasons not to. I dont think I could handle this all over again. And this is what BPD does. It's a cycle that repeats and lets face it, by the looks of things, this bastard is never going to go away. So maybe I should.
How can I tell what was real? Was I just masking all these feelings again or was I really doing ok this time? I spent 5 hours on the bathroom floor crying last night just going over and over what had happened. Slowly things started to make a bit of sense.
I posted the other day about contacting my therapist and on another forum, I was asked why on earth I would want to do this. But when I thought about it, I didn't really have a clue. I just knew I needed to contact him. Even if it was to spin him another load of "I'm doing well on my own" crap. I just needed the contact.
It wasn't until my reflections on the bathroom floor last night that I think I realised why. For the past 6 months I've been telling everyone how well I'm doing, that I want to move on with my life ect ect. But underneath, I knew things wern't right. But I carried on. I did the whole 'positive thinking' thing. People have said if you really believe in it, you'll get better. I say bollocks to that now because bloody hell I tried! And yet again I'm back here in this dark place, only this time, I have no one to guide me back out. I wanted contact with my therapist because I knew that he was the only one who actually 'KNEW' what goes on in my head at times. I've never been able to be as open as I was with him.
So yeah. I thought about so many other things last night and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to find reasons to stay on this earth and keep going, but I'm just coming with more reasons not to. I dont think I could handle this all over again. And this is what BPD does. It's a cycle that repeats and lets face it, by the looks of things, this bastard is never going to go away. So maybe I should.
I understand that our disorder is very serious and if you don't stay connected with your therapist or SG you'll have a tougher time of it on your own. This is a disorder that is for life and you'll be tested like everyone knows, so stay with the ones that are in recovery and doing well. We all start out the same, we have relapses off and on in the beginning and some have them for a long,long time until they get a day, month and then years. We can 't tell you how long because each of us are different in our recovery. So, hang on and stay connected, the ups and downs are normal for us and keep sharing how you feel, what to do and how to do it. What worked for me may work for you and if not try others until it work for you.
I have a boxer named Scooby, a husband and three adult children. I am 67 and had this disorder since age 13. I am in recovery and it's been years not living in it by keeping alert and not allowing stress get the best of me. I am looking to find a ED group in my area to got to once a week, this is my medicine to keep me in recovery........hugs, Joan
If you need to go to a ED facility do it, if you need to have more help on the outside, then do it. Keep in touch with people you can talk to and get it out