I purged only once today, and I cut twice. But I feel absolutely terrible. I purged yesterday, and the day before. Luckily, it was just once on both of those days as well. But this is still more than I used to do. I feel like I am not trying but at the same time I know that I am so enmeshed in everything that it is very difficult for any of my efforts to be effective. I tried for over a week not to cut, and I made it until today.
I just don't know what to do. I am ambivalent about recovery. I'm not sure what I want. Which I know will just make it harder to recover anyway. It's so frustrating. I don't want to waste my money and my therapist's time by having sessions but not putting all my efforts into stopping. I don't know if maybe I should stop treatment for a bit until I can decide I want to be well? Or should I get more intense treatment? I'm so confused.
My next therapy appt. is on Thursday and it feels so far away, especially since I had to miss our session last week.