Hi everyone. This is my first entry here or in any group for that matter. Sorry for the novel. I've wanted to go to an in-person support group but it scares me. I guess you could say I'm still in denial as I haven't admitted to myself that I have an ED. I've never said it out loud to anyone. Not even my therapist. 

I've been struggling since about 12ish years old. I've.m been a competitive figure skater for about 20 years now and an elite athlete, in general, my whole life (26 years). The purging took over about 2.5 years ago. Restricting has always been a thing and I've become so good at hiding everything. I binge and according to my therapist it's a "binge" because I don't eat enough for it to actually be a textbook binge... Only a handful of people know about.m my situation and I have such a hard time talking to any of them about it. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. 

I also used to self-injure. This started when I was in 8th grade and lasted throughout college. Was worse in hs. I slipped up a couple times post grad and just a few months ago. I really hope I never resort to this again. 

Another thing I struggle with is inpatient programs. My therapist really emphasized that today. She thinks it's what I need. They just scare me. A lot.  I need and crave control. Programs won't allow me either of those. 

I wish I could admit it to myself. I need to accept it but the voices are too loud. 

Any and all support is welcome.

Thanks xo

- A