I feel so sorry for you. Alas I dont have good advice in this difficult situation with a complex disease. I do know your daughter is fortunate to have a mother who understands her disease and is looking out for her best interests. I hope you can also talk about it with your daughter although I realise she may not want to discuss it.
You did the right thing in taking your daughter to the doctor. Sounds as though you didnt get the response youd have wanted from the doctor but you were right to email her. I hope the doctor will respond to you and not just fob off your daughters case to the mental health specialist. Its sad that your husband doest understand and apparently cant support you. I hope you can give him some background reading to do as well so that he can learn more about anorexia.
I wish I could advise on your daughters running but alas I dont feel able to give any solid advice. I was once the anorexic who didnt want anyone meddling in my affairs and so I appreciate on your daughters behalf that you know that you cant nag her too much. If I can advise anything it would be to keep the doctor and mental health specialists on their toes and try to establish better understanding with your husband. I hope too that you can find the right way to communicate with your daughter. Wishing you and your daughter all the best in overcoming her disease!

katywonders - thank you for your support. i have decided to make an appointment with a counselor for me because i feel so lost. i had a nice long talk with my daughter last night and she was telling me that i just don't think she eats enough because i'm used to how she ate in the past. i told her that this isn't true, that it is because i am her mom and i see her everyday and know her so well that i feel she is malnourished. i told her that i would like for her to read a bit about anorexia to see if any of the symptoms ring true for her, but she refused. she was telling me how everyone always thinks she is doing something wrong (teachers, friends) and when I asked her to elaborate she said something to the effect of everyone saying she is anorexic. she told me that she does not have a problem, that she knows her body and that yes, maybe a few months ago she was but not now. that she just wanted to lose the weight. she was telling me how overwhelmed she feels and at that point i just knew i couldn't push her anymore. she told me that she didn't want to go to the mental health person her doc referred her to, that talking only makes things worse for her. i want to believe what she says, but in my heart i know its not true; so much of what she was saying rings so true for all of the research i've done and stories i've read about people suffering with anorexia. but i didn't push anymore last night. i know it is my job to protect her and do what is right, but she is so stressed out right now that i am becoming afraid to push. i see the changes though and was even telling her that depression is tied to anorexia. i have never felt so lost or hopeless.

Thats an excellent decision you made to see a counsellor for yourself. I really hope he or she will be able to support you. Im glad too that you were able to have a talk with your daughter. From everything you describe IM at least convinced that she has anorexia - including the fact that she admits "maybe a few months ago but not now". Thats how its like when youre in the grip of the disease. (I remember the time when I was able to pull a fresh pea pod in the garden and eat a few peas and I thought I was "better"!) Its wonderful that your daughter was able to tell you about feeling overwhelmed. Youre certainly doing something right there when you have that much communication channels open. It may not seem to be enough but believe me it could be much less (I certainly was never able to talk about anything feelings-related with my mother). I believe youre doing right in not pushing her too far when youre discussing these agonising topics. I know that this visit to the mental health specialist is going to be extremely tough for her and will ironically probably CAUSE anxiety and/or depression. I dont think theres any way around that but Im sure youll let her know its OK to cry and that the ultimate goal is to help her feel good again. I pray that the mental health professional IS a professional who can communicate well with your daughter and make her feel safe.

I was thinking again about the previous doctors visit where you were asked to step outside and let doctor and patient talk one-to-one. While this was obviously painful for you, I as an ex-sufferer do see some sense in the doctors approach. As disheartening as it sounds there may be things that your daughter couldt tell the doctor with you there and thats certainly NOT a sign of any fault on your part. Its just the way it is - tough I know!

I also thought about your husband saying your daughter eats healthily. Well - at least shes eating something... You will probably come across a wide range of ideas on how to FEED an anorectic. Ive often been horrified reading about the forced pizzas and puddings and sweets. Almost certainly some foods are easier for your daughter to handle than others. It could well be that anything she considers "stodgy" or "fatty" is especially horrifying. If asparagus or grated carrots seem manageable Id try to make sure she can have those sorts of foods regularly and I dont see why a treat cant be a fresh fruit. I know those sorts of foods without anything else dont constitute a balanced diet but Id tend to start at her level and gradually try to broaden the range of foods consumed. Thats just my thoughts and Im sure youll come across all sorts of ideas on the topic.

As for getting to the "root of the problem" - why did your daughter get this disease - I dont know if its possible to know. Ive figured out a lot of contributing factors to my own illness some of which I was only able to see years later. Id be tempted to say that every anorexic is oppressed/depressed/overwhelmed about some aspect of life but she/he may not yet know what it is.

So - I have a lot of experience of the disease and a lot of knowledge about it but still I know that helping a sufferer is extremely challenging. I can see that youre doing everything you can However feel free to ask and discuss more. (((( ))))

Katywonders, I cannot tell you how much your words mean to me. We just got back from a week holiday and I logged on to find the results of my daughter's bloodtest she had done two weeks ago. The doctor told me she has elevated liver function and wants to run more tests and perform a liver ultrasound; all of these things are good in terms of finding the problem, but I am completely in a controlled panic right now. Your words though have given me enough strength to not completely let my guilt suffocate me at this moment. Of course I did some reading about elevated liver function (after I responded to the message sent by the doctor - waiting frantically for a reply) and it can be a result of too much iron being stored in the liver as a result of anorexia, it can also be the result of a weak heart (which I'm sure you know can be related to anorexia too). It can also be a sign of multiple organ failure due to malnutrition. I know it's not good to go online while waiting for the doctor's reply, but I had too. I can't just sit around, you know? I think I'm even a little more freaked out because this is the military medical system and the fact that they are ordering more tests and an ultrasound makes me feel like its serious. I'm sorry for rambling, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this that understands. Even though my mom has passed away, I can hear her telling me not to panic unnecessarily, that it could be nothing. But I'm scared. Should I tell my daughter about the results? Would you have wanted to know? Should I wait until I hear back from the doctor? It's 11am where I am so hopefully I will hear something before the office closes in 6 hours. Thank you for talking with me, it makes me feel as though I'm not alone.

I can understand how frightening these liver test results are for you. My intuition/reasoning say its fine to tell your daughter - in fact Id say she has a right to know. How the news will affect her I dont know. I suspect that had I received such news when I was an anorexic teen I wouldt really have cared - Id have had a "so what?" reaction and wouldt have taken it seriously as it were. I would have been frightened about the thought of seeing doctors and receiving treatment but Id have preferred the focus being on liver values than on eating. Having said that, Im not your daughter and I cant say how she'll take the news. It could contribute to greater depression (Im kind of assuming she has some sort of depression whether or not she has a diagnosis) and she will certainly need a lot of support. Im glad to know that you are there with her and for her.

I dont know how the military health care differs from what it would be at home but Id suspect that the military system would be under greater obligation to give thorough examinations and appropriate treatments to its personnel and their families than public health care in many countries. They have less opportunity to "pass the buck" and presumably its easier to pinpoint errors and prosecute for less than the best of treatment.

I know its going to be hard to talk to your daughter whether you tell her sooner or wait until you hear back from the doctors. Ill be thinking about you both!

Thank you for talking with me. I feel like this is the only support I have right now. I did tell my daughter as it is her health and her right to know. It actually made her very nervous and she took it very seriously. I haven't noticed any increase in eating, although I didn't expect I would. I am taking her this afternoon for her blood tests and her ultrasound is scheduled for Monday at 7am. Of course I've been doing nothing but obsessing and reading everything I can find with the new info from the doctor, and I have 2 pages of notes and questions for her. My daughter definitely has depression, I tried to let her know that this is often related to anorexia but that was a few weeks ago and she wasn't open to hearing it so I didn't push it. My plan is to talk to the doctor after the results come in to discuss having an ekg and testing for osteoporosis. How did you finally start your journey to healing?

also if you dont mind me asking, what health issues did you deal with as a result of anorexia?

Im glad your daughter took the news seriously and that shes getting more tests so soon.

My own story is rather different. Were going back to the 1970s (I began losing weight when I was only 11). I lived in a small town in the north of Scotland, my parents were part of an overbearing religious community and no-one had ever heard of eating disorders.

Of course the weight loss became visible and one day my mother told me shed talked to the doctor about me and he (doctors were all men back then) had told her to bring me in for an appointment if I continued to lose weight. I was forced to stand on the scales and have my weight monitored. This was awful for me. While I didnt know about eating disorders like people do nowadays I did realise that if I had to go to the doctors things would get out of my control and Id be forced to put on weight. That, of course was my worst nightmare and I actually managed to make myself eat enough so that I didnt lose weight and let myself gain a measly couple of pounds. It wasnt enough to support my growth and development but it let me continue with my undernutrition and hunger. I had no adolescent growth spurt. Id always been exceptionally tall for my age so Ive ended up average height. You might wonder how no-one could notice I wasnt growing? Well in Scotland we weret measured every year at school as children are in some countries (for example my present home country, Finland). My father had a mental breakdown when I was in my teens and my brother had a physical disease that had him in a wheelchair for some time. Yes, no-one noticed. Also my breast development stopped. Now that I live in Finland where sauna parties are part of the culture and we go naked this is a huge source of shame for me, especially when Im with people I know. I feel I should explain my 11-year olds breasts but of course I cant go into that...

And of course I didnt start menstruating. Actually my mother started mentioning that when I was about 16. I didnt care whether I had periods or not but again, to get my mother off my back I made a secret doctors appointment expecting to get a prescription for pills that would get me menstruating. I was really so naive. Instead I was referred to a gynaecologist in the nearest city - the worst experience of my life - it was like rape for me - a little 17 year old child. After receiving a "sentence" of admission to hospital for a laparoscopy to examine my ovaries I "confessed" to the gynaecologist that I had tried to lose weight. I did know deep down that this was the cause of my ammenorhea. He told me brightly that anorexia nervosa could cause ammenorhea but that I obviously didnt have that! This was six years on from the onset of my eating disorder. I was slim but not skeletal. The doctor didnt even weigh me. The laparoscopy revealed nothing unusual but for me it was a repeat of the "rape scenario" and caused deep depression and emotional scarring. Around that time some blood tests revealed decreased thyroid functioning and I was put on thyroxin. It didnt seem to make any difference and didnt bring on menstruation. Again after my mothers meddling with our home GP I was referred to a private gynaecologist who commented on my slimness. By this time I was studying away from home and had come back home for the holidays. The gynaecologist advised me to "tuck into mums good cooking" but again he didnt weigh me or ask anything relevant.

This could become a very long story but basically I wasnt treated, nor even diagnosed with an eating disorder. My growth and development stopped. Sometimes I wonder if some other development, (lets say "emotional" for want of the precise word) also failed to develop. I find I dont have much in common with other women and Ive never had any desire to have children. I dont consider myself "childless by choice" as that suggests Id have considered the option, weighed up the pros and cons and decided against it. But no, Ive never had to weigh up the pros and cons because Ive had absolutely no maternal instinct whatsoever. Mind you once I was into my twenties, had begun menstruating naturally and was far away from the overbearing religious community of my parents I did become sexually active in heterosexual relationships and am now living my second long-term relationship.

I have also had huge problems regarding work. Despite being highly educated Ive never coped well in the various short term jobs Ive had. Ive been unemployed most of my life and hate the obligatory jobs I have to do every so often in order to maintain a minimum income. Needless to say Im also poor with all the limitations that poverty brings.

Last year with the menopause creeping up on me I asked for a bone density scan. Not surprisingly my bone density is low (osteopenia). Despite having other symptoms of menopause my public health care doctor wasnt willing to prescribe hormone replacement therapy for me but suggested I just get checked again in a couple of years. I went privately and got HRT as well as calcium/vitamin D supplements.

During my twenties my eating disorder developed into chewing and spitting and I was chronically depressed. I think its pretty common that one eating disorder leads to another - or you might think of it as the same disorder that undergoes metamorphosis. I expect youre aware of that already. I have a lot of dental erosion (once a Finnish dentist asked if I vomited a lot - it was back in the days when I didnt speak Finnish very well and I pretended not to understand) which, despite not vomiting may have something to do with chewing and spitting and almost certainly has a lot to do with the vast amounts of sugar free colas and other soft drinks I consumed to satisfy myself during the time when I couldt satisfy myself with food. I also have a mysterious breathing problem that plagues me from time to time. Ive had it checked out but no problem can be found. One doctor thought it may be vocal cord dysfunction and while nothing can be proved I suspect it might have something to do with years of chewing and spitting.

During my thirties I started getting the symptoms under control and gradually experienced improvements also at the level of thoughts, attitudes and feelings. Ive sometimes considered myself completely cured but here have been relapses during times of exceptional stress. Even recently with pressures from the authorities to get into some kind of work plus debt-related pressures Ive noticed "ED thoughts" all over my mind, dietary changes and even some borderline behaviour. So Ive come to subscribe to the belief that the disposition towards suffering from eating disorders is permanent but with effort and management (such as stress avoidance) full remission can be achieved. But it is a long haul...

I do wonder what it would have been like for me if Id had annual weighings as a was growing up, if eating disorders were something everyone was aware of and if information about them available at the click of a button, if communication with my mother had been different... In many ways your daughter has a lot on her side even though Im sure part of her is terrified of receiving help and treatment.

Best wishes and big hugs to you both!