I fail at everything. I even fail at having an eating disorder. I'm 15 now and I've had an eating disorder since I was 13. Very soon I'll have had an eating disorder for three long years. Since it started I've gained weight. I'm not going to say how much I've gained, and I know that some of it is because I've been growing, but I hate it so much. Every time I starve myself I end up bingeing and all the work is for nothing. When I try and eating healthily I gain weight. When you calculate my BMI I'm in the upper end of the healthy weight range so it's not like I gain when I eat well because I was underweight. I've eaten maybe 10 lunches at my school this year.
My whole life just feels wasted in this disorder and my depression. I want to eat so badly, but I'm petrified of gaining weight. If I gain four more pounds it'll send my BMI to the overweight category and I don't know if I could live with myself. I'm stuck between desperately wanting to recover and knowing that if I do I have a chance of actually being counted as overweight. I would die if that happened. I just don't know what to do anymore.