Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Eye opener...scared

mybeach
mybeach
I had a bit of an eye opener these past couple of days. On Thursday my stair stepper broke. I almost panicked. I was on the phone immediately with the manufacturer to see about ordering another, I went to 3 different stores and purchased comparable steppers. None of them worked and it would take 5-7 days for a new one to arrive. I have "fixed" it and have not stopped my usual cardio for even one day. I woke up Saturday, weight down again, past where I had told myself I would not let it go and I just told myself that I wouldn't do cardio this am or that I would not use the stepper and just do my usual bike and weight routine. But then I felt like I could panic, I just could not wrap my mind around taking it "easy". Currently I burn more calories then I consume and the thought of not burning all those calories made me feel horrible. It scared me. I reduced enough to make it even but just couldn't consume more then I burned. I know I have issues but then today, I woke up refreshed powered through my workout without feeling guilty and didn't care that I didn't reduce anything. I have days where I know that I need help and I almost called my parents and my one friend. But I didn't and just waited for the feelings to pass and they did. Now I feel fine again even though obsessive behaviors are still there. Can anyone relate to the huge swing of emotion? I know that I shouldn't be "happy" with my wt loss or my ED but today I am. I can't open up to anyone when I feel good... does this mean I am not "ready" for help, how do you force yourself to get help?
deleted_user
deleted_user
for me I got help bc I was miserable. I was driving home one night... i stopped at a convenient store, purchased binge foods and at until I felt sick.... the next morning I had a realization.... the binge gave me a sense of relief.... that sense of relief was my eye opener... i was not healthy and needed help.

i confessed to my best friend and my husband. I sought help... a therapist.... it took a while but it did help.... i still struggle, but i am better...

you sound DEEP in your eating disorder... deep !!!! you need to get some help.... seriously
deleted_user
deleted_user
I opened your post expecting to find that you were scared because of a complication.
I have to say reading your post frustrated me. You are upset because you could not indulge in your behaviors. Do you not want to recover? I have been battling my ED thoughts...BAD lately and fear talking about them. I so far have been able to resist, so I do understand that fear of reaching out, butwhen you are as far deep into your disorder, it is scarey for me to even read. Please reach out and get help. Please. So many people here can tell you the scarey shit that led them to getting help or that nearly ended their lives, and others are forever silenced and will never tell their story because they died from this dreadful disease. Please get help before that is your story.
peanutzz
peanutzz
I'm going to post something as well. I hope you read it. I wish you well. I've been where you are.
mybeach
mybeach
I went to a therapist three times. I know this is not a lot but the last time I was there, he really said some inapproriate things and I was turned off by him. I need to find someone that doesn't tell me to enjoy some icecream as I am leaving the waiting room with other clients waiting to see him. I was very embarrassed by his remark, esp when I had told him during the session that I feel extremely guilty in consuming endulgences. Anyway, I appreciate all of the support. I really have no one to talk to about this. I have a very strained relationship with my parents and I am recently divorced, so no sig other. I also don't have "friends". It is easy to hide as I am not around anyone. So, I can easily convince myself that I am healthy, happy and have no ED. It was the issue with the stepper that briefly woke me up and said, "YOU NEED HELP". Your responses have reminded me that I do need help and I don't want to wait until something bad happens. I am going to find another therapist. Thank you all for being the sounding board and the friends that I need.
deleted_user
deleted_user
my therapist specialized in eating disorders and she was very good for me....

she really got to know me well and fast too....

she promised me I would feel better in a year and I did.... Im not cured but i feel better...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can totally relate and yes, it is scary. Getting pleasure and comfort from things you know you aren't supposed to do - and freaking out when you can't do them - and the conflict that comes from all of that. It's scary and exhausting.

I've freaked out in the past due to a broken treadmill and due to hotels that didn't have a fitness center. Once I went out and bought an exercise bike so I could still work out with a stress fracture in my ankle. If I didn't work out, I felt so much guilt and anxiety and got very cranky and down on myself. Recently, I had to stop dancing and stop all exercise for almost 3 weeks so a rib injury could heal. and I actually rested and the anxiety wasn't bad at all. (Sure, there were some rough moments, but I did it.) My only focus was on healing and being ok for a dance competition on Halloween weekend. I am in no means "recovered"for my ED, but I'm in recovery and look at this as progress. You can do it, too.

It sounds very much like you want to get help. Please, please keep looking for a more sensitive therapist. :)

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

Ali
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dont take my workout routine that seriously, but i still do not like to eat more than i move, and i know how difficult it can be when you're not allowed to move, then you feel like you cant eat. You cant force yourself to get help, and if you do you will only be bitter about it in the end. Get help when you are ready to say "I am bigger than this ed, it will not consume me, it stops now" thats when you get help. I, also cant admit when i feel good about it either, i dont know why, but i wish i did.
mybeach
mybeach
It's nice to know that I am not completely alone, I again appreciate everyone's support. I am really trying hard to admit that I do have an ED and that I need help. I wish I could put as much effort into stopping my behavior as I do in maintaining it.