Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
** before I start writing, I don't want to offend anyone, and don't want to get yelled at if I am in the wrong group - this is taking a lot for me to have the courage to write **
Hi,
I am not sure what's going on with me anymore, and haven't really had a handle on things for a while now.
I have always been a big girl - my whole family is made up of big people, and those people like to eat. Growing up, diet / exercise / healthy lifestyle was not taught to us, and as a result, we were put in front of the tv with salty / chocolatey snacks (and unlimited pop) for hours on end. This was normal to us. As I grew up, I started hating food - and I mean hating - my parents would pack lunches for me and I would throw them out and refuse to eat until I was at home, under supervision.
When I left home, I didn't have great nutritional skills, and ending up eating whatever, whenever, and there was never any limit. However, when I was by myself - I would cover mirrors so I didn't need to see myself - never allowed myself to be fully naked in front of anyone, including doctors - hell, including myself. At that point in my life, I just kind of accepted being big - and there was nothing I could do about it. (The only time I ever even remotely liked myself was when I was pretending to be someone else in my head, and even then, I couldn't do that for long)
Now, we fast forward through a bad marriage and break up - and an ex who constantly made references to my 'bad' body, or some other girl's 'good' body. From January of this year - I have stopped this behaviour of over eating and feeling badly about myself, to the other eztreme! Since January, I have lost 60+ pounds, bringing me down to about 150 (I stand almost six feet tall). However, rather than enjoying life as is - I am obsessing. I have stopped eating and started exercising. In January, I started swimming once a week, about a kilometre, then I changed that to 3 times per week, Then I started doing weight training, ball / core exercises, cardio, kick boxing - you name the exercise, I was up for it (for about an hour a day).
When I realised that I wasn't still couldn't look in the mirror at myself, I decided to see a doctor about it - I lied to him to get myself into a nutritionalist, so I could get a special diet. When I started with the nutri doc, I wasn't honest there either - I would tell him what I ate in the week, and I would add in extra stuff (like required proteins and fibres) just not to make him mad. I then increased the amount of exercise I was doing to add in another 2 hours of cardio a week!
Now, as if that wasn't bad enough, I decided to try to purge myself the other day after eating about 600 calories. I physically couldn't do it and was extremely upset with myself. So, I went out, bought lazatives and started taking those. I am not sure in what quantities people generally use these sorts of products, but when I reflect on it, I know its bad. And as I sit here to write this message, I am thinking about taking more.
And, as if all those problems weren't bad enough, I have now added another regime to my daily battle - as I am obsessed with working out (running to be specific), I now tell myself that I can only eat if I have gone for my run, and that the food I eat must be less than the total number of calories I just burnt off!
So, that is my confession. I don't know where it belongs, but if someone can relate, or someone can help me, I'd be super happy. I know I need help, I know that this problem could be deadly - but it doesn't make me stop. In fact, the more I think about it, then more restrictions I put on myself.
Hi,
I am not sure what's going on with me anymore, and haven't really had a handle on things for a while now.
I have always been a big girl - my whole family is made up of big people, and those people like to eat. Growing up, diet / exercise / healthy lifestyle was not taught to us, and as a result, we were put in front of the tv with salty / chocolatey snacks (and unlimited pop) for hours on end. This was normal to us. As I grew up, I started hating food - and I mean hating - my parents would pack lunches for me and I would throw them out and refuse to eat until I was at home, under supervision.
When I left home, I didn't have great nutritional skills, and ending up eating whatever, whenever, and there was never any limit. However, when I was by myself - I would cover mirrors so I didn't need to see myself - never allowed myself to be fully naked in front of anyone, including doctors - hell, including myself. At that point in my life, I just kind of accepted being big - and there was nothing I could do about it. (The only time I ever even remotely liked myself was when I was pretending to be someone else in my head, and even then, I couldn't do that for long)
Now, we fast forward through a bad marriage and break up - and an ex who constantly made references to my 'bad' body, or some other girl's 'good' body. From January of this year - I have stopped this behaviour of over eating and feeling badly about myself, to the other eztreme! Since January, I have lost 60+ pounds, bringing me down to about 150 (I stand almost six feet tall). However, rather than enjoying life as is - I am obsessing. I have stopped eating and started exercising. In January, I started swimming once a week, about a kilometre, then I changed that to 3 times per week, Then I started doing weight training, ball / core exercises, cardio, kick boxing - you name the exercise, I was up for it (for about an hour a day).
When I realised that I wasn't still couldn't look in the mirror at myself, I decided to see a doctor about it - I lied to him to get myself into a nutritionalist, so I could get a special diet. When I started with the nutri doc, I wasn't honest there either - I would tell him what I ate in the week, and I would add in extra stuff (like required proteins and fibres) just not to make him mad. I then increased the amount of exercise I was doing to add in another 2 hours of cardio a week!
Now, as if that wasn't bad enough, I decided to try to purge myself the other day after eating about 600 calories. I physically couldn't do it and was extremely upset with myself. So, I went out, bought lazatives and started taking those. I am not sure in what quantities people generally use these sorts of products, but when I reflect on it, I know its bad. And as I sit here to write this message, I am thinking about taking more.
And, as if all those problems weren't bad enough, I have now added another regime to my daily battle - as I am obsessed with working out (running to be specific), I now tell myself that I can only eat if I have gone for my run, and that the food I eat must be less than the total number of calories I just burnt off!
So, that is my confession. I don't know where it belongs, but if someone can relate, or someone can help me, I'd be super happy. I know I need help, I know that this problem could be deadly - but it doesn't make me stop. In fact, the more I think about it, then more restrictions I put on myself.
Don't let anyone tell you that it is easy and that you shouldn't be thinking hte way you do. It's no wonder we obsess about weight as much as we do with all the media pressure.
As far as your background, with no nutritional education, that is fine. I would say most American families are like that anyhow. No one really pays attention.
The problem can be deadly, but there are ways to still maintain a healthy metabolism and be healthy. I am still trying to figure it all out myself, but I'm learning and am happy to pass on any info I might have.
I hope this helps and that you feel that you're in the right place. Please feel free to message me anytime and vent or ask questions.
Welcome to the group. :)
Good luck. But please get some help right away- you deserve it.
I'm new to this site too, but I think you are most deffinitly in the right place. The fact that you have lost over 60lbs is a great accomplishment, but to me it sounds like you didn't do it the right way and your still not happy with yourself. Myself and I'm sure many others can relate to that feeling of "never being good enough" or "its just not enough!". Then we resort to these extreme dangerous methods that at the time, seem like the right things to do in our head. But they are not right, and they lead to a life of hell that you can't escape. I am personally stuck in this life because it took me 10 years to come forward and tell somebody, now It feels like I'll never be free from the E.D. Please please be honest with your doctor and nutrisionist now....before you end up like me and so many others. Being skinny is not worth the stuff I'm living with now. Please get help!!
LJay
You've got the courage to step up and admit you have an issue with food so you are definitely in the right forum. It's great that you are so aware of where it all started and where you are now with it all...